The Boss vs The New Kid (Saints Row vs South Park) VS Prediction Blog
“Switch up your protagonist as much as you like, they're still controlled by a player, an entity as ethically restrained as Joseph Stalin playing with his bath toys.” - Yahtzee Croshaw
The Boss, the leader of the Third Street Saints that conquered Stilwater, Steelport, and space
The New Kid, the silent but very deadly newcomer to the quiet mountain town of South Park
Coming to a new place where you don’t know anyone can be a pretty nerve racking experience for anyone, especially when you’re a player self-insert with a mysterious past. Though thankfully for these two, they would end up meeting a wacky group whom they’d become friends with, ultimately proving themselves to become these group’s most powerful fighters. This led to them going on various adventures to fight rival factions to theirs, getting involved in various wacky and often not safe for work shenanigans, and eventually helping to stop their gangs from being crushed by villains with far greater aspirations. Though through it all, their greatest power, and the one that drives them more than anything, remains the friends they made along the way. So, can the Butcher of Stilwater ensure the fracturing of their opponent’s butthole, or will the New Kid make sure the only Saints who are marching in will be the resulting funeral procession?
Before We Begin
Right off the bat, mature content warning, as South Park is… South Park. It is a very crass, offensive, vulgar, bloody, and gross series, and Saints Row is not far behind in some of those categories. There will also be quite a few clips and discussed topics which are very not safe for work, so viewer discretion is very advised. Also I apologize in advance for how cursed some of the discussed topics can get.
For the Boss, this will be sticking to all media in the original timeline for Saints Row, which covers the original 4 games and all their expansions, along with various promotional material and any other related media. This will not be including details from Agents of Mayhem or the 2022 reboot, as the former was the result of a continuity reset that gave all the characters very different histories which are incompatible with their originals for compositing, while the latter is meant to be a different continuity entirely that has a completely separate cast to the original storyline.
As for the New Kid, this will draw primarily on information from the modern South Park games, which include Stick of Truth, Fractured but Whole, Snow Day, and Phone Destroyer. I’ll also be looking at details from the original show and other media tied to it, as Trey and Matt have confirmed in interviews that they consider the modern games to be canon to the show. Though I will preemptively note that the various games made prior to the ones I brought up are not going to be factored in here, as it’s a bit more questionable to assume they’re also meant to be canon due to Trey and Matt disowning many of them as adaptations, and I want the focus to be on the New Kid and their titles, not the ones made before they as a character existed.
Both will also be given full access to all possible equipment, abilities, and upgrades which they can get throughout their games, in order to get as full a view of them as fighters as possible. With all that out of the way, let’s get this party started.
Background
The Boss
The life of a gangster can be one that many have aspired to, as from the outset it can seem like an appealing whirlwind of fast cars, money, drugs, and women. But it’s also one that’s full of danger, with many stories ending with wannabe gangbangers ending up in prison for life, falling into drug addictions, or getting killed by rival gangs. Perhaps no gang in history has been more exposed to the ups and downs they can bring than the Third Street Saints. Originally founded by Julius Little to give the less fortunate someone to defend them, this gang would grow from a run down church in Stilwater to a massive media conglomerate, a stint in the White House, and eventually in control of a galaxy spanning empire. And at the center of this was one person, who started as just another member of them, before quickly becoming the Boss of the Saints, bringing them to their destiny.
Not much is known of the Boss’s past, but one night, after being caught in the middle of a gunfight between gangs, they would end up having their life saved by Julius, who would invite them to join the Saints. They’d prove to be a particularly good gangster, managing to take down rival gangs and eventually ending up as Julius’s right hand man. However, after the leader was arrested, he’d end up wanting out of the life of crime, and was told he would need to get his former gang to cease their activities. Knowing his upstart wouldn’t willingly do that, he’d end up planting a bomb on a boat they were meeting a target on, and in one blast they’d seemingly be killed.
However, the Boss would instead end up in a 5 year long coma, and after recovering, they’d end up escaping custody and restarting the Saints on their own terms. They’d end up having a messy conflict with the new gangs that had taken over Stilwater, in which many members of the Saints lost a lot. During this, the Boss would end up taking his revenge on Julius, as the former Saints leader felt his former protege was twisting the Saints into something darker. But this wouldn’t stop the Saints from rising to the top of Stilwater, as after taking control of the Ultor corporation by force, they’d come out as the unquestioned rulers of Stilwater.
Then things took an unexpected turn. The public who had borne witness to the rise of the Saints eventually ended up making them celebrities, and the resulting media frenzy led to them becoming household names. Though eventually they’d end up robbing the wrong bank, as an attempt on the assets of the Syndicate of Steelport led to a new gang war with them. They’d manage to take on both them and a government team led by Cyrus Temple, and would eventually rise up to become the rulers of Steelport. And after Cyrus attempted to frame them for the bombing of a monument, they’d end up becoming more popular than ever.
Then, after stopping one last plot by Cyrus to nuke the United States, the Boss would end up being elected as the president of the United States. But their rule wouldn’t last for long, as then the alien empire known as the Zin would attack the earth, who would capture the Saints and place them within various virtual simulations to break their wills. The Boss did manage to free themself and their friends, but not before the Zin’s leader, Zinyak, blew up the Earth, wiping out most of humanity. However, the Boss would still manage to take down Zinyak and take control of his empire, prepared to start humanity anew with the Saints.
You might wonder how we got here, as anyone who hears the story of a gangster that ended up leading a space empire would. But the Boss has shown many times they’re able to go above and beyond for those they trust. After all, the biggest thing that can draw many into the lifestyle of a gangster isn’t the money or drugs, but the promise of brotherhood, as the sense of community gangs offer can make them seem like a family to those with nothing else to go to. While their humble roots can make their later history seem odd, that idea is still just as prevalent to the Saints as anyone else, as while they have disagreements, the Saints have shown they will literally go through hell and back for each other. So it’d do well to not underestimate them, for as long as the Boss leads the charge, there’s perhaps no force in the universe the Third Street Saints can’t overcome.
New Kid
Welcome to South Park. Located in the snowy mountains of Colorado, this seems like your standard quiet redneck mountain town at first glance. But in reality it is anything but, as all sorts of weird bullshit can happen on the regular there, whether it be an invasion of homeless people, a war on Canada, or an attack by the terrifying Mecha Barbara Streisand. But that doesn’t stop new people from moving to the town to get away from the hum dum of city life. One of these would be a couple, Chris and Kelly, who would end up moving to town with their one child to try and start a new life. And while this was probably a lot for them to deal with, this New Kid would quickly find themself to be a comfortable addition amidst the local schoolchildren.
Initially, the New Kid would end up caught up in a fantasy game, in which the Kingdom of the Kupa Keep and the Drow Elves of the Forest attempted to fight each other for the control of the Stick of Truth. They’d prove themself to be a skilled fighter, with him siding with one of them to lead them to victory, but ultimately the two factions had to team up due to Clyde taking the stick for themself and trying to take over the town with an army of Nazi Zombies. The New Kid went on many quests to stop this, journeying from everywhere to the sewers to the distant land of Canada, and ultimately he’d be stopped thanks to the New Kid’s particularly powerful posterior.
They’d continue helping with the fighters of the medieval game, until the kids ended up deciding to stop that game in favor of playing superheroes. The New Kid would join them as the Amazing Butthole, and thanks to getting their farts upgraded to be able to bend time, they were able to be a major help in stopping crime with the Freedom Pals. Though they would end up having to face a conspiracy by Eric Cartman Mitch Connor who tried to take over the town as the mayor via starting a lot of crime, which the Freedom Pals sought to take down.
They’ve had other adventures besides this, such as during a Snow Day where they ended up fighting a sentient piece of poop that was attacking the town due to getting cancelled, and a time where they acted as the summoner of a bunch of units with the power of their phone. But through it all, they’ve shown an oddly great skill at attracting friends, able to gain absurd amounts of followers no matter where they go in spite of their perpetual silence. As sometimes, the power to create bonds with anyone can be just as powerful as the ability to fart hard enough to break time.
…no really, it turns out the real reason they move so much is because they’re on the run from the government due to their supernaturally good ability to make friends. That is not a joke, it is literally the lore. But in any case, as long as they’re in South Park, anyone who comes on down for a fight will sure as hell get one, from the newest addition to the unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash, and kick ass mountain town.
Intelligence & Skill
The Boss
While their past before the games is fairly unknown, after getting canonized into being a member of the Saints, The Boss would quickly prove themself to be a skilled gangster. They’ve acted as the main fighter of the Saints through many a gang war, often going against gangbangers with far more experience, and every time they’ve led the Saints to come out on top. In the second game, despite just waking up from a half decade long coma, they were able to quickly lead the Saints to recover their territory and take down the rival gangs that had risen in their absence, accomplishing in a matter of weeks what took them years to do. Though they’ve shown the skill to keep up with more than gangsters, as they’ve come on top over zombie hordes, specialist police forces, private militaries, and even the alien empire of the Zin. This is all the point that even Satan took notice of this, as the Boss being literally the most violent person in history made them the Prince of Darkness’ choice in stepchild for forcibly marrying his daughter to become his general in a war on heaven.
Through that all, they have of course been shown to be fairly multitalented. They can wield practically any weapon they get their hands on, managing to quickly adapt to using experimental weapons, alien technology, and even getting superpowers. They’re a good driver and pilot, able to use any vehicle they can get their hands on fairly easily. And they’re surprisingly well read, having a good knowledge of the works of Jane Austen. But their most dangerous skill is in their cunning and brutality, as if you manage to get them pissed, there will be nothing on earth that will save you from their wrath. Just ask Maero, as after he ended up brutally killing one of the Saints, he ended up getting tricked into running over his girlfriend during a monster truck rally due to her being locked in one of the cars he crushed.
New Kid
While the New Kid’s history before moving to South Park isn’t well known, once they did end up caught up in the games of the boys, they were shown to be a natural at fighting. It’s been said that their teams would be nothing without them helping in both Stick of Truth and Fractured But Whole, and they're so good at fighting that Snow Day revealed the reason the games the boys play keep changing is because they keep becoming the strongest at them too fast for anyone to keep up. They’ve managed to take on aliens, zombies, police officers, ninjas, crab people, and vamp kids. They’ve even been able to take on a lot of the major characters from the main South Park series, all of whom have shown plenty of general skill in fighting, and they’re always able to come out on top.
Though fighting isn’t the only thing they’re skilled at. They’re a pretty good puzzle solver, able to figure out how to get around many obstacles in their path, and they were able to use a device to hack a security alarm into not going off. The scientific graphs seen when summoning allies implies they’re skilled in sciences, and some of the classes they can take in FBW imply good skill, such as the Martial Artist being a skilled fistfighter and the Gadgeteer having the know-how to invent their own technology. They’re generally skilled enough to use whatever they can get their hands on as a weapon, which includes everything from unconventional melee weapons to alien technology. Though they also have some weirder skills, as they were somehow able to successfully do an abortion on a grown man, disarmed a nuke by aborting it as well, and they’re accurate enough to go fishing by farting dynamite at the fish in the water.
Equipment
The Boss
Weapons
The Boss is able to wield a wide variety of weapons, and with upgrades they can have unlimited ammunition for all of them.
Some of these are weapons which could only be accessed within the simulation of SR4, and as such are a bit questionable to assume they have access to outside of it, but will still be listed for the sake of completion. Any weapons like that will be italicized.
Johnny and Kinzie also were given access to various weapons on their quest to kill Satan which they should still have access to, and as the Boss is their leader it’s likely they could wield them as well. These weapons will be marked in bold.
Melee Weapons
Pistols
Sub-Machine Guns
Shotguns
Rifles
Explosives
Special
Thrown Weapons
Improvised Weapons
In Saints Row 2, the Boss is able to pick up various objects in the environment to attack foes with, being able to either smack foes with them as melee weapons or toss them as projectiles. I am not listing these out here because that would be very redundant, but a full list of them can be found here.
Vehicles
Like in any good open world sandbox, The Boss is able to access a wide variety of vehicles which can be used to wreak havoc in the various cities they’ve gone through. I am not listing literally every single vehicle in these games here, since I doubt bringing up the 40 slightly different cars they can drive will be all that relevant to the conclusion, so this will just be sticking to the particularly notable options.
Yarnie
This is a vehicle which is unconventional enough to be worth its own section, as you might imagine. This is a ball of yarn which the Boss can somehow roll around the city to smash apart anything in its path, with it having a special shockwave attack to do even more damage. You may question the practicality of this or if it even counts as a vehicle, but I would not question the genius of Professor Genki.
Mech Suit
A robot taken from the Zin that the Boss piloted during rescue missions for his homies after releasing them from the simulation. Or maybe it’s technically power armor? In any case, this suit is equipped with laser machine guns and missiles for killing things, arms for smacking and slamming enemies, and built in jet boosters which can help it hover and charge through obstacles.
Cellphone
The Boss has utilized quite a few different kinds of phones throughout their time. These can be used to do stuff you’d expect to use them for, like call others, take pictures, play music, and check your location on a map. But this can also be used to access upgrades and call in allies to help. It’s also worth noting that it’s consistently had an option to access cheat codes, but given they’ve not been acknowledged within the series, it’s likely that’s not a diegetic detail the Boss has access to in-universe.
Consumables
(The one good thing the reboot added to the series)
In the original two games, the Boss is able to carry up to 4 consumables along with them, which they can consume mid battle. A full list can be found here, but they all fall into a few general categories.
Standard food and drinks can just recover health
Booze can increase the Boss’ melee strength, though they will be slowed and can end up vomiting if you drink too much
Weed increases your resistance to damage, though they can end up with reduced stamina if you hit the dank too much
40 oz
In the original two games, if one of his companions ended up taking enough damage to be close to death, the Boss is able to revive them by dumping alcohol on their face. This is the one element of the series that got less goofy in later games, as they went with the more boring option of just helping them up to their feet.
Irradiated Saints Flow
During the events of the Trouble With Clones DLC, the Boss ended up drinking some soda that temporarily gave them superpowers due to the experiments of Jimmy Torvitson, a brilliant scientist that happens to be the most annoying character in existence. After consuming it, they were able to run at super speeds, shoot fireballs, and gained super strength strong enough to gib anyone they hit with a single strike. They also were able to use telepathy to read other’s thoughts, though they didn’t seem to have much control over it. Ordinarily these powers could last an hour, though apparently heavy use of it can cause them to fade, making them not as helpful as you might think. If only they had a way to get permanent super powers…
Iron Saint Armor
At the end of Saints Row 4, the Boss ended up donning this armored suit to take down the alien warlord Zinyak. The suit is equipped with a built in blaster cannon and can presumably protect from blows pretty well, but its real strength is in the fact it allows the Boss to use all their super powers from the simulation of IV in real life. These abilities are functionally identical to how they are in the simulation, so it’s likely this suit boosts the Boss’s physicality to be on par with their simulated self. It’s also shown there’s at least 6 other suits like it, meaning the Boss could potentially get replacements or sets for his allies if needed.
New Kid
General Overview
First off, as quite a bit of the New Kid’s arsenal will be bringing up terms from the games, here’s a brief explanation of what the various terminology means:
PP - The energy needed to use special attacks, with stronger ones costing more
Armor - Can reduce incoming damage a bit, but can be reduced with stronger blows
Shield - Each layer can protect you from one attack, with it dealing no damage
Grossed Out - When inflicted this causes foes to vomit for damage each turn. This also prevents them from consuming anything to heal.
Pissed Off - When inflicted, foes cannot use more than basic attacks, but will also exclusively target the one who inflicted them with it
Bleeding - Causes foes to take damage each turn. Can be stacked up to 5 times.
Sleeping - Affected foes cannot act or defend themselves until either the effect wears off or they are attacked
Slowed Down - Causes foes to take their turns half as often
Burning - Foes take damage each turn, and are particularly vulnerable to “magic” attacks
Shocked - Foes take electric damage each turn, which can also damage any foes adjacent to them
Chilled - The Foe is frozen, making them unable to act during their next turn
Confused - The foe will attack the closest character regardless of if they’re friend or foe. If they’re hurt by an enemy, they’ll regain their senses
Charmed - The foe will fight on the side of the one that charmed them, but will come back to their senses if they’re damaged
Slow - The foe will lost a point of movement, making them unable to move as far
Secondly, there’s also quite a bit of equipment here that either isn’t relevant enough to go over individually or is redundant due to stronger versions of what it offers existing, so this will just be listing the strongest and most notable options, with links to relevant pages listing all of them for reference.
Stick of Truth Weapons
The New Kid can equip 2 weapons at a time, that being a melee weapon and a ranged weapon. Each can attack with a lower damaging multi hit attack, or a stronger single attack. A full list of these weapons can be found here.
Armor
Armor is divided into three categories, that being the outfit, gloves, and the hat. A full list of all armor options is found here. This is also the only one of the games where your choice of clothes is more than cosmetic, hence why there’s not a section like this for the other games.
Patches
New Kid can also enhance their equipment with various patches, which can give a variety of effects on top of their innate boosts. Each weapon and piece of equipment can have 1-2 patches applied to it. A full list of them can be found here.
Potions
Like any good RPG protagonist, New Kid has access to a bunch of consumables which can be used to help in battle, which they can use on their turn as a free action before attacking. They can only carry 10 of each type of potion, though some have different versions which count as separate items despite being functionally identical, so this will just be bringing up the types individually.
Anal Probe
After the New Kid got abducted by some otherworldly visitors, they ended up getting a probe stuck up their ass. This can be activated to interact with alien devices that allow them to teleport around small areas. Ew.
Gnome Dust
Gotta go to work, work all day. Taken from the Underpants Gnomes, this is a dust that allows New Kid to shrink them and their allies, which can help get into smaller areas, as well as grow back to size when done. The Underpants Gnomes they got it from also used it offensively to shrink them down to their size, so New Kid could hypothetically do the same on a foe.
Artifacts
In Fractured But Whole, you have access to a variety of artifacts which help enhance your abilities. Most of them are pretty standard percentage boosts which would be a bit boring to break down individually, especially as the strongest options don’t really have much distinguishing them. But the real good shit comes from the Epic artifacts, most of which have a distinct ability they give in addition to their percentage boost, and of which the New Kid can equip up to two of. A full list of artifacts can be found here.
Consumables
FBW also has a variety of consumable items to be used in battle, of which you are able to hold up to 99 of.
Snap N Pops
In FBW, New Kid ends up receiving these firecrackers from Craig. These can be used out of combat to blast objects while solving puzzles and stun enemies trying to engage in battle with them.
Police Hacking Device
Using this device given by the police department, New Kid was able to hack into an alarm system, disabling it. Though it did take a bit.
Snow Day Weapons
Like in Stick of Truth, New Kid is able to equip two weapons at a time, which are a melee one and a ranged one.
Phone
No internet obsessed kid is complete without their smartphone. While in most of the games this just does what you would expect a phone to do, in Phone Destroyer it acts as their main tool in battles. They can use it to summon their allies to their side and cast spells, which both require energy from a constantly filling meter. It can also send out offensive electric blasts on foes that approach them, and other summoners in PD show that they can create portals with their phones to more directly bring out allies.
Tower
During PvP matches in Phone Destroyer, New Kid will end up sitting on a tower of boxes, which is tied to their health bar.
Abilities
The Boss
Upgrades
The Boss can upgrade themselves with a variety of passive abilities, which they unlock by spending money. A full list of them can be found here (other games also have them, but they’re redundant compared to the ones listed here) . Some notable ones to bring up include:
Super Sprint
Using this, the Boss is able to sprint around the city at speeds that are practically faster than a speeding bullet. They can run up walls and on water, and can cause cars and objects in the street around them to be sent flying as they run.
Force Field
While running, they can also create force fields which can help protect them from damage. It can be upgraded to electrocute enemies it makes contact with, recharge health if attacks hit it, and even reflect projectiles altogether.
Super Jump
Death From Above
Unlocked after saving Johnny Gat from his living hell, which was in the form of a side scroller beat 'em up game, this allows the Boss to float in the air for a bit while aiming, before rushing down to earth hard enough to smash away enemies near the landing sight. From higher heights, this can even create massive explosions.
Blast
The first of their active powers, this allows them to launch a blast of energy which will impact with foes in an area, which can cover entire intersections at its strongest. These active powers also have 5 different elements which the Boss can swap between for different effects. Their elemental options with this power include:
Freeze - Will freeze anything it hits solid, leaving foes helpless
Fire - Creates a blast that will set foes it hits on fire
Mind Control - Can brainwash enemies into fighting on their side
Explosion - A fireball which causes enemies hit by it to detonate. This blast causes foes hit by it to detonate themselves, and so on and so forth in a big chain reaction.
Bling - A highly damaging blast that expends some of the Boss’s money when launched
Telekinesis
Their second active power, this causes the boss to telekinetically lift objects before flinging them away. They can lift anything, whether it be street objects, enemies, cars, tanks, or even alien ships while they are in midair. Their elemental options with this power include:
Force - Just the power with no special effects
Lightning - Holding a person will cause them to start emitting electricity from their body, shocking others around them
Life Steal - Holding a person will cause their health to be drained and given to the Boss
Explosion - Holding objects will prime them, causing them to explode after a couple seconds
Bling - Siphons away money from foes in its grasp
Stomp
Their third active power, this causes shockwaves to be emitted whenever the Boss stomps the ground, which hits with the force of an earthquake and can smash entire city blocks at its strongest. Their elemental options with this power include:
Rock - The standard stomp with no additional effects
Gravity - Causes foes hit by it to float in the air via to antigravity, leaving them helpless
Shrink - Causes foes hit by it to shrink in size, making them easier to kill
Explosion - Turns those launched by it into living time bombs that will explode
Bling - A stomp which is more powerful than normal but expends money with each use
Buff
Their final active power, this allows the boss to cloak themselves in an aura of their chosen element. This will damage nearby foes and allow their weapons to be infused with this element. Their elemental options with this power include:
Fire - Surrounds the Boss in fire and allows their weapons to ignite foes hit by them
Lightning - Surrounds the Boss in electricity and allows their weapons to stun foes hit by them.
Freeze - Surrounds the Boss in cold and allows their weapons to freeze foes hit by them with absolute zero temperatures.
Explosion - Those in radius of their aura turn into living time-bombs, and adds an explosive effect to their weapons
Bling - Those in the radius of their aura get transmuted to golden statues, with the Boss’s weapons inflicting a similar effect.
Super Strength
The Boss’s superpowers also gave them an enhanced level of strength compared to their normal self, able to send people flying with just a punch or kick.
Regeneration
After not taking damage from enemies for a time, the Boss’s health will slowly regenerate to full.
4th Wall Awareness
The Boss has shown to be aware of the 4th wall, as seen with idle dialogue where they shame you for not playing and giving some aside glances to the camera. Others have done stuff like look into and directly punch the camera.
Resistances
Bullets / Falling / Fire / Explosions / Vehicle Crashes - With upgrades, they can become completely immune to all damage from these sources.
Mind / Morality - Was able to resist and break free from the influence of Zinyak’s 50s simulation, which was shown to be able to brainwash Kinzie into acting passive.
New Kid
Stick of Truth Abilities
Each class in The Stick of Truth has access to a variety of special abilities, each of which need PP to be used and can be upgraded to do other effects which will be mentioned if notable. While the classes are mutually exclusive in gameplay, as the New Kid’s canon choice is unknown, this will list all of them for the sake of completion.
Fighter - This class mostly focuses on simple high damage dealing and taking hits with armor. Their abilities include:
Assault and Battery - A series of brutal blows with a baseball bat. Can hit multiple foes when done perfectly, and can be upgraded to do more damage on stunned foes, restore health on hit, and inflict bleeding.
Roshambo - An attempt to play a game ends with New Kid hitting the opponent in their balls. Stuns foes if done perfectly, and can be upgraded to ignore armor, inflict defense down, and gross out the entire enemy group
Bull Rush - New Kid tries out for a football match by headbutting foes with a charge. Can reduce defenses if done perfectly, and can be upgraded to boost its damage with the New Kid’s armor and cause bleeding.
Horn of Irritation - Uses the loud sound of an air horn to strip buffs from all foes while pissing them off. Can be upgraded to debuff foe’s attack and defense while increasing ally’s attacking strength.
Ground Stomp - New Kid jumps in the air before hitting all foes with a big stomp that causes the earth to be cracked. Can be upgraded to boost it’s damage with the New Kid’s armor, deal more damage against slowed or stunned targets, reduce enemies’ attack, and stun all enemies
Mage - This class focuses on highly damaging special attacks and has a focus on combos with their equipment. Their abilities include:
Dragon's Breath - Take out a firework to burn an enemy. Can be upgraded to hit foes to the sides of an enemy, increase the strength of other abilities, and burn away armor.
Dust of Dreams - Tosses a blast of sleeping powder which can stun foes. Can be upgraded to decrease the defenses of foes hit by it.
Lightning Volt - Electrocute foes with a car battery which can melt armors and shields. Can be upgraded to shock multiple foes at once and give an electric shield that zaps approaching foes to New Kid after use
Funnel of Frost - Takes out a fire extinguisher and blasts foes with foam that can strip away buffs and slow on a perfect attack. Can be upgraded to decrease attack and defense as well.
Pyre Ball - Launches a large fire bomb that can hit all foes in combat. Can be upgraded to inflict burning and decrease the defenses of foes hit by it, as well as ignore shields and armor.
Thief - This class focuses on high single target damage and applying bleeding to solve all problems. Their abilities include:
Backstab - New Kid slips behind the enemy to deal heavy damage and bleeding to a single foe. Can be upgraded to increase damage if the target is already bleeding and if they’re stunned.
Mug - Stuns the opponent with an attack while stealing an item from them. Can be upgraded to steal buffs and restore some health if done correctly.
Execute - New Kid hops in the air and tosses knives at an enemy before smashing them with a flail, shredding defenses in the process. Can be upgraded to inflict extra damage on stunned foes, buff their attack, and attack a second time if the target dies to the move.
Stink Bombs - Tosses rotten eggs at foes, grossing them out while removing any useful buffs they have. Can be upgraded to piss them off as well.
Death of a Thousand Cuts - New Kid summons 4 other thieves to slash foes to ribbons with a series of attacks. Can be upgraded to debuff affected foes’ attack and restore some Hp when it hits.
Jew - This class focuses on debuffing through status effects and gaining strength as they lose health. Their abilities include:
Sling of David - Casts a stone at an enemy, though it can hurt New Kid instead if mistimed. Can be upgraded to debuff attack and piss off foes it hits, bounce between targets, and deal more damage if you’re low on health.
Jew-Jitsu - Pummels the opponent with a series of blows that leave them stunned. Can be upgraded to deal more damage if you’re low on health, create a shield after attacking, and allow you to act again if it kills a foe.
Circum-Scythe - New Kid goes for the groin with a razor, which can slice through defenses. Can be upgraded to decrease defenses of and inflict bleeding on foes, as well as gross out nearby enemies who witness it.
Whirling Doom - Sends a dreidel bouncing between random enemies, stripping away all beneficial buffs from foes it hits. Can be upgraded to burn foes it hits and remove negative status effects from New Kid after using it.
Plagues of Egypt - Summons the wrath of God to unleash three plagues upon opponents, which can debuff their attack, inflict bleed, inflict burning while shredding armor, or inflict Gross-Out. Can be upgraded to buff your allies’ attack and abilities when used.
Magic Farts
The New Kid is also able to use their posterior to unleash their flatulence in a variety of unique methods, which each require Mana to use. They’re also able to use farts to augment attacks.
Dragonshout - Taught to them by the Grand Wizard Cartman, this is the basic fart, which deals damage, applies gross-out, and stuns a single opponent. This can also be used to interrupt channeled abilities, and can be used in the environment to ignite obstacles.
Cup-A-Spell - Also taught to them by the Grand Wizard Cartman, New Kid somehow cups their fart in their hand before launching it at foes, causing them to be farted on at range.
Sneaky Squeaker - Taught to them by Randy Marsh, who’s kind of a big deal. This is another ranged fart which can be silently moved around before being detonated, which is used mainly to distract foes.
Nagasaki - Their most powerful fart, taught to them by the Canadian masters of comedy Terrance and Phillip. After finding the proper frequency, this can blast away entire groups of enemies at once and blast apart obstacles in their way.
Stick of Truth Perks
By gaining enough Facebook friends, the New Kid can unlock several special perks which can passively augment their capabilities. While the fact there’s only 119 friends available in SoT means there are only a couple abilities you can get in gameplay, considering the ridiculous amount of followers they can receive, I feel it’s safe to assume they canonically have more than enough followers to have unlocked all of them. A full list of these perks can be found here.
Protect My Balls - You take greatly decreased damage when critically injured
Let it Slide - Debuffs applied to you last one turn less than normal
Necessary Roughness - Inflict more damage to stunned targets
Driefer - Deal extra damage to and take less damage from Pissed Off enemies
All Outta Bubble Gum - Using a potion now boosts your attack in addition to the potion's usual effects
Sucker Punch - Your first attack each combat deals extra damage
Fight or Flight - Your attacks do increased damage when you are critically injured.
Pyromaniac - Deal extra damage to and take less damage from Burning enemies
Bloodlust - Deal extra damage to and take less damage from Bleeding enemies
Dirty Fighting - Deal extra damage to and take less damage from Grossed Out enemies
Second Wind - Reviving items bring the revived ally to full health when used
Counterfart - Can counterattack foes with a magic fart
Fractured But Whole Abilities
During their time as a superhero, the New Kid used a variety of abilities in combat. While initially they could only pick a couple classes, Doctor Timothy later unlocked their potential, giving them free access to all of the various class abilities to switch between however they wish. Each of the classes has three standard abilities, which can be mixed up however they wish. New Kid can only use three of these abilities at a time in game, but this is likely just a gameplay restriction.
Speedster - Focuses on high speed attacks and good positioning, but can be left vulnerable pretty easily
Quantum Fist - A quick dashing punch which can hit foes one space away
Double-Edge - They vibrate their body to let them attack twice in a row, but will be forced to skip their next turn to compensate.
Super Sonic Dash - They attack through several enemies, knocking back the foe at the end of it towards where they were
Brutalist - Offers high damaging moves, but is more limited at range and dealing with groups
Brutal Bash - A standard punch that can knock back foes
Wrecking Ball - A charging kick which can knock back foes
Gastro Smash - A large release of flatulence which can knock back foes on all sides of them while grossing them out
Blaster - Attacks with long ranged attacks that have moderate damage and tend to leave foes burning
Triple Burn - A trio of ranged fireballs which can leave foes burning
Heat Wave - Creates a wave of flames which can knock back enemies
Plasma Beam - Fires a blast of plasma which can pierce through enemies
Elementalist - Attacks with moderately damaging ranged moves that use various elements
Sand Trap - Summons sand from under foes to smash groups of enemies
Ice Prison - Damage and chills an individual foe, but has a one turn cooldown
Hydro Helper - Moderately heals an individual ally while removing status effects and boosting attack
Cyborg - Focuses on close-ranged crowd control with a variety of cybernetics.
Fatal Attraction - Summons some magnets which damage foes around you while pulling them closer
Ganz Technique - Enrages a foe with an obnoxious song while blocking from attacks
Faraday Uncaged - Knocks back and shocks foes with an electrically enhanced punch
Psychic - Deals moderate damage with psionic based attacks.
Psi-Shield - Creates a fortifying shield which can block damage on an ally
Dazzling Flash - Creates a blast which can damage and confuse an enemy
Cerebral Blast - Blasts all foes diagonally in an X while decreasing their defense
Assassin - Uses highly damaging attacks which can leave foes bleeding
Quick Cut - Performs a quick slash with a blade, which can leave foes bleeding
Spin Slash - Tosses blades to hit foes on all sides while leaving them bleeding
Shadow Swap - Bombs a nearby foe while swapping places with them, turning invisible in the meantime
Gadgeteer - Focuses on utilizing gadgets for area control
Boom-Boom Buddy - Creates a decoy that will blow up on foes who attack it
Straight Shooter - Creates a stationary turret that will fire darts at foes directly to its sides for 3 turns
Gigavolt Globe - Electrifies foes in a cone directly in front of you, leaving them shocked
Plantmancer - A more support based class which uses the power of nature
Purifying Petals - Heals and removes negative status effects from nearby allies while buffing their attack
Sweet Scent - Creates a vine that attracts a foe forward while charming them, making them fight on your side.
Root Burst - Summons roots from under the ground to knock back groups of foes while making them bleed.
Martial Artist - A highly damage combat based class which channels Chi to take on enemies.
Dragon Force Punch - A supercharged punch that can send a foe flying
Dragon Dance - Summons a dragon that hits foes on all sides
Dragon Reversal - Dashes forward through foes before kicking any hit back towards where they were, slowing them and reducing their defense in the process
Netherborn - Uses the powers of death to reap groups of foes.
Soul Slash - Summons a scythe that will knock back enemies in front of it
Ghastly Grasp - Summons ghastly hands that will strike foes, chaining between any that are nearby to each other
Dire Shroud - Can deal damage and decrease defense if used on an enemy, or protect and grant regeneration if used on an ally
Final Girl - A survivor which uses their wits in combat to trap and outmaneuver enemies.
Fatal Trim - Throws a pair of gardening shears which can knockback and pierce through foes, leaving them bleeding
Saw Bleed - Tosses three sawblades which will land as traps, causing foes to hemorrhage blood if they try to cross them
Hammer Bomb - Tosses a bomb at a foe that can knock them around in any direction
Unground - During a fight with Butters’ Dad, they were able to use this ability to unground their allies, which normally left them in a helpless state
Pimp Slap - During a fight with a pimp, they had the ability to use this slap, which can do damage and charm his ladies to their side.
Ultimate Abilities
In FBW, you have an Ultimate meter which can be charged up over the course of a battle by dealing and taking damage. When it’s full, each character gets access to a powerful ultimate ability, and after unleashing it the meter will need to be charged again. Each of the New Kid’s classes have access to different Ultimate Abilities, which they can pick between freely.
Full Force Fisting - The Brutalist will unleash a brutal series of blows on a single foe, dealing massive damage
Hyperspace Fury - The Speedster dashes off before unleashing a flurry of blows on a single foe, dealing high damage and knocking them back.
Backfire Blast - The Blaster consumes some flames before farting them out in a massive blast that burns and grosses out foes
Elemental Onslaught - The Elementalist unleashes the elements, which deals damage to foes while shocking and chilling them
The Big Guns - The Cyborg unleashes their full arsenal on a row of enemies, which can damage, knock back, and slow all hit by it.
Chakra Cleanse - The Psychic focuses their mind, which can heal and grant protection to all allies
Deadly Dive - The Assassin dives from a nearby rooftop onto a single foe, dealing heavy damage to them and leaving them bleeding as the user turns invisible
Airborne Annihilator - The Gadgeteer calls in a fucking drone strike, which will blast at foes before finishing them off with a missile strike
Nature's Gift - The Plantmancer summons the power of Mother Nature, who will heal and revive all allies while, uh…
Dragon Swagger - The Martial Artist will summon a dragon that will flip off and enrage all nearby enemies while giving them protection
Grim Fate - The Netherborn channels the power of Death, which chills nearby foes and grants buffed versions of their Netherborn abilities for the next 3 turns
Grim Slash - Deals more damage and slows foes hit by it
Grim Grasp - Turns it to a wide AOE attack while boosting it’s damage
Grim Shroud - Increased damage when used on enemies, and fully heals on top of giving more protection if used on allies
Final Vengeance - The Final Girl will put together an improvised weapon which can be used to instantly kill any low health enemies which are nearby. Standard enemies will need to be below half health, while bosses need to be below a third
Time Farts
Thanks to eating special Mexican dishes prepared by famous actor Morgan Freeman, the New Kid unlocked the ability to fart so badly that time itself bends to their will.
Glitch - This fart is able to rewind objects to a previous state, which can be used to reset the position of objects moved in the environment, as well as reverse the death of others. In battle, this can be used to negate any actions done by an enemy on their turn
Pause - This allows them to stop time for 4 seconds, allowing them to safely interact with objects over obstacles. In battle, this allows them to stop time for 10 seconds, during which they can freely attack foes, but only with basic punches.
Summon - This allows them to summon their past self to the battle as an ally, who is equipped with the same abilities as them but can only stay around for a short time
Shift - When farting into fans, this allows them to speed up the rate of time, letting them quickly go from night to day and vice versa. After defeating Mutant Cousin Kyle, they made a super powerful version of this which sent them ahead 10 days into the future, though it did require a bit of charging.
Leap - This allows them to fart hard enough to go through time, which has been shown to transport them a year into the future and several years into the past.
Inspect Mode
In FBW, they have the ability to use this, which lets them aim around the environment to scan for points of interest. In battles, they can use it to inspect foes to get an idea of their current status. They’re also able to use it to see where ghosts are.
Microaggression
Taught to them by the PC Principal, this is a technique used in the middle of battle. If your enemies say something that could potentially be seen as not politically correct, you can punish them by getting a free punch to their face.
Snow Day Powers
During Snow Day runs, the New Kid can select up to 2 abilities. Each of these require energy from a meter which is built up by attacking foes with standard attacks.
Upgrade Cards
During Snow Day runs, the New Kid is able to choose Upgrade Cards between battles and while finding packs within the levels. Each of these are able to affect the New Kid’s combat abilities and can be upgraded to higher rarities which give better effects. A full list of these cards can be found here.
Absolute Zero - Gravity Bombs will freeze enemies hit by it
Back Stab - Daggers deal 125% more damage when attacking from behind
Beefcake - Consumables also boost max health by 6% when used
Bigger Bubble - Bubble Shield is 60% bigger and deals burst damage when used
Bitter Bounty - When using Pissed Off abilities, heal 60% of what you spent as Health
Bitter Bubble - When hit, Bubble shield stays up for longer and adds to your Pissed Off meter
Brainsplosion - When Cheesed minions recover, their brain explodes with AOE damage
Bubble Bruiser - Enemies inside the Bubble Shield receive burning damage
Cheesy Vampires - Cheesed minions heal you for 60% of the damage they deal
Cheesy Zombies - Cheesing can now raise the dead and lasts for 60 seconds
Counter-Strike - Melee attacks do more damage after a successful block
Defensive Perimeter - When placed, the tower also spawns mines around it
Devastating Bubble - Bubble Shield lasts longer and you deal more damage while it’s active
Event Horizon - Projectiles absorbed by a Gravity Bomb deal more damage to foes within it
Hemorrhage - Daggers deal more damage on bleeding foes
I'm Rubber - Reflected projectiles explode on impact
Last Stand - The less health you have, the more damage you do
Opposing Aura - Enemies in range of a Totem take 60% more damage
Paragon - Deal more melee damage if your health is full
Reviving Aura - Totems are able to revive fallen allies in range of them
Safety Bubble - Bubble Shield heals allies in range of it
Second Wind - You move faster for a short time after taking damage
Bullshit Cards
At the start of Snow Day runs, the New Kid can select one of these cards. Each of these offer a special ability which can be used at any time, but can only be used a limited amount of times in a single run.
Invisibility - You become invisible for a few seconds and heal up while cloaked. Can be used twice
Laser Eyes - Blast enemies with laser beams from your eyes. Can be used thrice.
Meteor Storm - Meteors fall from the sky onto your enemies. Can be used twice.
Moon Jump - For a bit, you can jump higher, run forever, and move faster. Can be used 5 times.
Radioactive Goo - Your entire team emits noxious fumes to Gross Out enemies. Can be used twice.
Summon Minions - Summon a group of Chaos Minions that fight for you. Can be used thrice.
Super Size - For a limited time you become huge, letting you do wide AoE damage by body slamming. Can be used thrice.
Snow Day Perks
During Snow Day, you can utilize Dark Matter to unlock a bunch of passive perks which can be selected for helpful effects during runs. Some of these can also be upgraded multiple times to stack their effects, though for the sake of brevity I’ll just mention the maximum potential bonus when relevant. A full list of them can be found here.
Spells
Beyond summoning allies (which will be gone over in more detail below, so just you wait), the New Kid can also battle more directly by utilizing a variety of spells in combat within Phone Destroyer.
Arrowstorm - Summons a storm of arrows to damage all enemies
Fireball - Launched a blast of fire that damages foes in an area
Lightning Bolt - Launches a blast of electricity that can deal major damage to a single foe
Freeze Ray - Freeze foes it hits in place for 4 seconds
Poison - Poisons foes it hits, ticking down their health for 10 seconds
Hyperdrive - Doubles the speed of all allies for 7.4 seconds
Mind Control - Takes control of an enemy unit for 10 seconds
Power Bind - Stops enemies hit by it from charging abilities for 40 seconds
Purify - Clears all negative status effects from allies in a small area
Regeneration - Gives all allies regenerating health for 10 seconds
Energy Staff - Increases the speed that you gain Energy by 45%.
Hallelujah - Heals all allies
Unholy Combustion - Blasts a foes with lasers that deals massive damage to them
Transmogrify - Fires a beam that transmutes any enemy it hits into a weak rat
Cock Magic - Transforms up to 8 nearby units into chickens, though this can affect allies as well as enemies
Super Fart - Unleashes flatulence that will knock back all nearby foes.
The Chomper - Creates a bear trap that will damage and stun foes that step on it
Lava! - Creates a patch of lava that slows down and damage foes attempting to cross it
Member Berries - These spawn some berries around. They can be duplicated around the area directly under the feet of enemies, and when squished will summon a random unspawned ally.
Shockwave Creation
In Phone Destroyer, when New Kid’s health ends up losing thirds, they automatically create a shockwave which damages and knocks back nearby foes, giving them the breathing room to work back up a defensive line.
Social Influencing
So, it turns out the actual reason New Kid came to South Park was because they were being hunted down by the government for being supernaturally good at making friends on social media. How good? Well, in the first game it’s noted they had gotten 3.2 billion friends on Facebook alone before they were even 5. FBW reveals this is because of their parents having already pretty strong abilities in this regard, as their father got 3 million followers on Facebook within hours of making his account, while their mother got 4 million followers on Instagram from her first picture. But the New Kid’s ability is even more absurd than this, as they were able to get 10 million followers and were more popular than the Kardashians within minutes of being born. They’re so popular people literally broke into their house just to be friends with them, and this has been abused by Cartman Mitch Connor, who was able to get his campaign for mayor popular enough to win just off the back of New Kid taking three selfies with guys wearing his merch.
Now is any of this VS relevant? Eh, probably not, but it’s still a major part of the plot of the games and it wouldn’t feel right to ignore it.
4th Wall Awareness
The New Kid has shown some 4th Wall Awareness, most notably in FBW when they directly look at the dialogue bits at the top of screen during certain conversations. South Park generally is a universe with a loose 4th wall, as characters have directly looked into the camera for episode endings, acknowledged when the game they’re in isn’t completely downloaded, shamed the player for trying to solve puzzles early, and interacted with real life people.
Miscellaneous Abilities
Non-Physical Interaction - Can harm and defeat the Sparrow Prince, who is a spirit
Wind / Light Manipulation - As a homage to the Wonder Woman TV Series, they’re able to swirl around in place to transform to their superhero costume
Possible Atomic Manipulation - The Speedster class has multiple statements stating their attacks can affect foes on an atomic level, but given it’s only within an in-universe story explaining the powers and there’s no effects seen on foes these are used on that would otherwise imply atomic effects, it’s questionable if this is accurate or just Cartman hyping the powers up.
Resistances
Paralysis - Is immune to being grounded by Stephen Stotch, which was able to leave the other kids helpless
Cold - In Snow Day, they’re able to run around South Park in the middle of a violent blizzard.
Ice - Can directly break out of getting frozen solid
Corruption - Was not affected by usage of Dark Matter, which can corrupt others under the will of Mr Hankey
Allies
So now that you’re a good deal into this blog, I feel like this is the part where I reveal a twist: it turns out this was a secret army fight. Haha, you fool, you still have more to scroll through to get to the parts about stats that everyone likes to boil debate down to.
I will note here though that this was mainly brought up because in my research I felt there was a reasonable argument for them being able to bring in help. I have heard some contention on blogs that unnecessarily make things an army fight, so I will say that I think this is an optional segment to include for the debate, as the ultimate result of this blog would be unchanged regardless of if you included this or not. I just felt like this would be a fun thing to add to give this debate a bit more to talk about.
The Boss
Homies Overview
While you can fight your way through the games on your own, the Boss is able to call in the rest of his gang for backup at any time by contacting them on their phone. While in gameplay you’re only able to take up to three allies with you at a time, it’s likely that this is just for the sake of balance, as there are plenty of moments in the story showing they are able to act as a larger unit. Also yeah technically this could be considered outside help normally, but thanks to taking over the Zin Empire they have access to spaceships equipped with teleporters and time travel, meaning they realistically should be fully able to quickly call on the rest of the Saints to join the battle when needed. They’ve also been shown to have their own sets of abilities in the simulation, and since the Zin were shown to possess multiple other suits like the Iron Saint armor, it’s likely they could don them to help if needed.
Johnny Gat & Kinzie Kensington
“You can never have too many guns.”
“I'm waiting to see if you were sent to kill me.”
Johnny Gat is the longest standing member of the Saints alongside the Boss, and as such he’s probably the Boss’ closest ally. He is also incredibly good at murder, having at least 387 counts under his belt, which he often shows with his impressive gunplay and bowie knives. He was supposedly killed by the leader of Morningstar in the intro of the Third game, but in reality he had been taken by Zinyak, who apparently believed he was the most dangerous person on earth and needed to be taken out of the equation before his invasion. Also he did have a stint fighting with just dives and kicks, though that is questionably canon.
Kinzie Kensington, meanwhile, is a former FBI agent who ended up being fired after Matt Miller framed her for selling top secret information, leading to her allying with the Saints in Steelport to help take him down. She’s very skilled in the computer sciences, able to hack her way into everything from government records to high tech simulations to alien technology, and she generally tends to lead an isolated life. But she’s still fully capable of stepping up to the plate in battle, and her pent up anger can make her a surprisingly violent member of the team.
So why are these two being listed together? Well, that’s because of Gat Out Of Hell. In this expansion, the Boss ends up kidnapped by the forces of Hell, and to help rescue them, the two end up gaining actual supernatural powers after taking the power of Lucifer's Cracked Halo. These Arcane Powers were fairly powerful, and as they weren’t implied to have lost them in the endings of the DLC, they should have access to these out of the underworld. These powers include:
Super Sprint - Grants them super speed, being basically the same as the Simulated version
Flight - Using the Wings of Morningstar, they are able to summon angelic wings to fly around with
Blast - Sends out an energy blast with varying elemental effects
Stone - Petrifies enemies into stone, leaving them helpless
Soul - Stuns enemies in place while the essence of their soul is attacked
Shadow - Damages and slows enemies with pure darkness as they are terrified into fleeing
Summon - Allows the user to directly summon a demonic ally to their side
Imp - Summons smaller creatures that can grapple on enemies before exploding
Tower - Summons a spire that will puncture enemies on the ground and blast flying enemies out of the sky
Titan - Summons a massive demon bruiser to crush foes
Stomp - Stomp on the ground to send out a shockwave
Force - Releases a shockwave that hits enemies with great force
Vacuum - Releases a blast of wind that causes enemies to be vacuumed in a certain area
Holy - Releases a wave of holy light that smites foes with divine energy.
Aura - Surrounds the user in an aura of their selected element
Coldfire - Produces ice cold flames of energy around Johnny, which makes the user immune to fire and can set enemies ablaze or freeze them
Vamp - Drains nearby enemies of their health while granting it to the user
Worship - Weakens the willpower of nearby enemies, forcing them to cease attacking and fall to their knees
Benjamin King
Benjamin Motherfucking King was one of the original gang leaders to oppose the Saints, leading the Vice Kings, and he was a ruthless businessman who was once friends with Julius before he left to form the Saints. Though due to his lieutenants trying to take him out for control of the gang, he’d be forced to ally with the Saints. In the fallout of the first game, he’d retire from his life of crime to become a self help book author, before the Boss ended up naming him the Chief of Staff when they became the president, leading to him getting dragged into the business with Zinyak.
He’s an intelligent businessman who’s been in the game for a long time, and this experience has let him be an effective planner, as he has full knowledge of when to act most effectively. He was able to single handedly get the Boss to win the race to the White House, and he was able to help come up with the plan to end Zinyak. Though don’t let his age fool you, as he is still fully capable of mucking in during battles to deal with enemies more actively.
Also he’s voiced by Terry Crews in the 4th game which is pretty epic.
Shaundi
Shaundi has gone one a bit of a journey. Originally she joined the Saints during the Boss’s solo takeover of Stilwater, during which she was a stoned out party girl that was more useful for knowing exes than direct combat. However, during the Saints’ rise to media stardom, she ended up dropping the drugs and becoming far more capable, though some might see her as more mean and rude than fun. But between meeting a simulated version of her past self and getting some reality checks, she has mellowed a bit, though not to the point of dropping her skill as a fighter. Also there’s a separate version of her from a bad future where Christmas went wrong but it’s not clear if that version stuck around so I’m not mentioning her further.
Pierce Washington
Pierce also first joined the Saints during the Boss’ second takeover of Stilwater, being a pretty efficient planner when given the chance. Though when the Saints rose to celebrity status, he quickly adapted to that life, becoming the face of the Saints merch and the main one in charge of their media presence. While he does tend not to get much respect, he’s still a very skilled gangster and has come up with plenty of working strategies when he’s given the chance to cook. Also he’s a pretty good singer.
Asha Odekar
“You teach diplomacy, I get called in when diplomacy fails.”
Originally an MI6 agent who collaborated with the Saints to stop Cyrus Temple’s missile threat, Asha would end up becoming a major collaborator with the Saints during their stint in the White House, before later helping them with their war on Zinyak. She’s a very skilled spy, who has good knowledge of procedures and stealth, and while she’s not the closest to the Saints, she still was quickly able to prove herself as a major asset in planning.
Matt Miller
“This is my world to shape as I see fit, not yours.”
Originally the leader of the Deckers, one of the gangs from Steelport’s Syndicate, Matt ended up joining the Saints out of fear for the Syndicate’s leader, and eventually ended up joining MI6 as an ally to Asha. He’s very skilled technologically, having created an entire virtual world and being of comparable hacking skill to Kinzie, and as the leader of a gang he’s also got good skills in direct combat if needed.
CID
“FUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUK”
Originally an alien captured by Zinyak, he was once a powerful warrior, but he was eventually forced to upload his consciousness into the Simulation, where he hid until the Boss uncovered his data. He can be a bit condescending and critical, but he’s still a very important asset, as he can hack into any element of the Zin’s program, as well as having detailed files on human history. Though his body hasn’t been shown to be capable of direct combat, it should be comparable to the Zin’s own units, which will be gone over below.
He is also breedable, and the fact that’s probably not even in the top 10 of the most cursed shit this blog has made me typed is a bit worrying.
Keith David
Yes, the actual actor Keith David is a canon member of the Saints. After the Boss decided to run for President, they decided no one else was more worthy of being their running mate than him. He ended up being one of the first ones to be freed of the simulation, helping guide the Saints against the Zin. Unfortunately he did kind of end up betraying them due to thinking the Zin couldn’t be stopped, but a beating from a simulated version of Roddy Piper helped get him back on track.
He really doesn’t have anything to bring to the table versus wise, but do you really want me to not bring up the fact that Keith David is canonically part of the Saints?
Jezebel Mephistopheles
Originally the daughter of Satan, she was set to marry the Boss, but not respecting her father’s wishes, she’d end up rebelling against him, and after Johnny and Kinzie beat her dad, she’d end up getting banished to the real world with them. While what demonic abilities she may have are unknown, she has been shown to possess the all powerful Broadway Force, able to break out into a song. That could probably be useful. Maybe?
Okay she just has a section here because I felt like mentioning she existed 4 years before the pilot of Hazbin Hotel came out and that’s funny.
Saints Backup
Beyond the named characters, the Boss is also able to bring in more generic Saints which can help in a fire fight, though they’re generally not as effective as the more prominent members. More importantly, the Boss is also able to call up Saints who will directly bring them vehicles from their garage to use.
The Zin Empire
After finally defeating Zinyak, the Boss ended up taking the Saints’ rule to the cosmic level by taking control of the alien empire that had wiped out humanity. This is a very wide fleet that is capable of travelling across the stars whose starships have enough firepower to destroy planets. Their troops will be brought up individually in a moment, and their weaponry and vehicles were previously brought up in the above sections. They do have quite a few interesting bits of technology beyond that, including teleporters and spherical portals that let them quickly deploy and withdraw troops, time travel devices that let them go throughout human history, tractor beams, and pods which can house people to lock within their simulations.
Zin Soldiers
The standard foot soldiers of the Zin, who typically wield the various Alien weapons and are sometimes equipped with handheld energy shields for defense.
Zin Specialists
The more elite foot soldiers of the Zin, who are able to use versions of the Boss’ superpowers in conjunction with alien weapons. Notably they can still use these powers in the real world naturally.
C.I.D.
Not to be confused with the more important CID, the Control and Interface Devices are spherical drones which act as a support unit for the Zin. They’re able to grant an impenetrable shield to Zin units they follow around which make them impervious to conventional arms, though the shield can be deactivated by either using superpowers or by disabling the CID. They’re also able to self-destruct on opponents.
Murderbots
These are heavily armed robots who are equipped with either laser cannons or mine throwers. While their mobility can be lacking, they have the persistence to still try and crawl at foes to terminate them if they’re blown in half. They also presumably can't be bargained or reasoned with, nor do they feel pity, remorse, or fear.
Marauders
These massive war machines are able to roll around in a ball form before deploying. They’re equipped with a massively damaging energy cannon that can swivel around and are mostly impervious to standard weaponry due to their armor. However, the back of their turret is more vulnerable, letting them easily be blown up by an opponent able to give them the jukes.
Wardens
The most fearsome of the Zin troops, these are former alien war criminals that Zinyak tasked with overseeing the Boss’s simulation, stepping in if they got out of line. They’re massive alien creatures that are strong enough to smack around anything in their way, and are equipped with a wrist mounted laser cannon and a force field that makes them impervious to harm until hit by a super power. They’re also equipped with superpowers, able to use their own version of Super Jump, Blast, Stomp, and Telekinesis. Within the simulation the Boss is able to defeat them by absorbing their data into themselves, though that’s likely not something they are vulnerable to outside of it.
New Kid
Phone Destroyer Unit Overview
So the Phone Destroyer game has a pretty wide variety of units to pick from, which the New Kid directly summons when fighting. Each unit can be summoned based on an energy bar that is constantly refilling in battle, with stronger units costing more energy. While there are certain restrictions behind which units you can summon (namely, you can only have up to 12 different units/spells in each deck), this is likely just a gameplay restriction. The New Kid having their allies be directly summoned is also pretty consistent as well, since in Stick of Truth they can actively switch between companions with a weird thunder effect and in Fractured but Whole they can give certain allies a quick text to have them come to their location. So yeah I would say it’s fair to consider this a standard part of their arsenal.
As many of these units are simply the same characters donning costumes to become different personas, this next section will be compositing the capabilities of each of the individual characters, combining all their unit abilities with the addition of other relevant details they show in both other games and the original show. These units all are also sorted into different classes, and to briefly cover the differences:
Assassin - These units have lesser health but high attack, making them good for quickly dealing damage to foes
Fighter - These units are more balanced, having fairly average stats overall.
Ranged - These units have lower health, but are the only units who can attack foes using ranged attacks.
Tank - These units are slower, but have high health pools, making them ideal for drawing fire.
With all that preamble done, why don’t you come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.
Stan Marsh
"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
The first of the main 4 boys, Stan Marsh is a fairly normal kid that often ends up playing the straight man to the boys’ adventures, and especially whenever his dad gets involved. He’s also a fairly sensitive kid who stands by his morals and tends to quickly catch on to weird scams and conspiracies, though he can be a bit exasperated when dealing with more out there situations and when the other boys cross the line.
Ranger Stan Marshwalker is his Fantasy persona. He’s a ranger equipped with a broadsword to deal with foes, who initially allied with Kyle’s elves in the battle for the Stick of Truth. He later led the rival faction against the New Kid during the Snow Day due to his use of Dark Matter.
In SoT, he fights with the Slashing Blade of the Ranger, which has the special ability to hit enemies in the same column and make them bleed on a Perfect Attack. His abilities as a companion include:
Marked for Death - His buddy ability, in which he uses a laser pointer to command his trusty hound to attack a foe, lowering their defense.
Discus of Might - He hurls a discus at his foe, which can bounce between multiple opponents if perfectly charged.
Whirlwind Slash - He executes a spinning slash with his blade that can hit multiple foes.
Way of the Sword - Stan channels his inner action hero and executes a series of brutal blows, the last of which can leave foes bleeding.
When fought as a boss, he fights alongside said trusty hound, Sparky. If Sparky gets downed first, Stan will get a special buff that increases his attack while lowering his defense.
Speaking of Sparky, since it feels right to include him as part of Stan’s section, I’ll add that he’s also in PD as the fighter unit Full Moon Sparky. He can passively increase the attack of his allies, and has a charged ability where he’ll eat a treat and be healed.
As a boss in SD, he can utilize Dark Matter to create barriers and enhance his weapon, after which he can fire energy blasts that explode after a bit, create shockwaves, and do a spinning strike that can home in on foes.
In PD, this persona is a fighter unit as Stan the Great. He has a charge ability that can reduce the attack of all nearby enemies for 5 seconds, which also neutralizes any enemy attack buffs.
Toolshed is his superhero persona. He has the ability to mentally control any hardware tool, and uses a variety of them in battle.
His FBW abilities include:
Spiral Power - He summons laser drills from under the ground, which hits foes on a diagonal in front of him.
Drillslinger - He chucks two screwdrivers to either side of him, which can knock away and pierce through foes.
Revitotron 9000 - He uses a spray bottle to heal allies in an area in front of him.
Full Bore - His ultimate ability, where he channels his inner Kamina and creates a huge ass laser drill to completely annihilate any foes directly in front of him.
He’s also shown to possess a tape measure which can be used to grapple around and a sand blaster which the New Kid can charge with their farts to blast away toxic obstacles.
In PD, this persona is a fighter unit. He has a charged ability which can spawn a Chomper trap to temporarily freeze any foes that step onto it, as well as disable enemy traps.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Stan of Many Moons, is a fighter unit equipped with dual hatchets. When his ability is charged, he can create a wave of fire to damage surrounding enemies. He can also summon other Adventure units to his side.
His Sci-Fi persona, Program Stan, is a fighter unit equipped with a Tron-style disc. When his ability is charged, he can sound out a blast of ice on the ground to damage nearby foes while freezing them in place for 2 seconds.
His Mystical persona, Poseidon Stan, is a fighter unit based on the Greek god of the seas who is equipped with a trident. When his ability is charged, he throws a massive water balloon into the sky which will drench nearby foes, slowing them down for a time.
He’s been shown to be fairly proficient in sports and is skilled in imitating voices. He also has access to a portal gun which can send people into alternate dimensions.
Kyle Broflovski
"Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?"
The other main straight man of the boys, Kyle is a Jewish boy that often ends up getting dragged into weird situations that he’s forced to be the voice of reason to. However, thanks to the incredibly terrible plans of Cartman, he does end up having to actively work against him, and his rivalry with him can lead to him going nearly as far in efforts to stop these plots.
The High Jew Elf King is his Fantasy persona, being the main leader of the elves, who act as the rival faction to Cartman’s Kingdom. During the events of Snow Day, he was initially peaceful to the Kupa Keep, only to end up beat up due to Cartman instantly assuming he was evil.
In SoT, he fights using a golf club, which he can use to smack balls into foes for bonus kosher damage. Abilities he can use in combat include:
Rally - His buddy ability, where he can use to raise the effectiveness of his team’s abilities
Summon Elemental - He plays kick the baby with his brother, who is armed with knives to stab into foes
Windstorm - He pulls out a leaf blower which will blow on foes. These leaf blower was able to fight the New Kid’s farts in his boss battle
Rain of Arrows - He calls forth his elven allies, who promptly shoot a storm of arrows on all foes
Entangling Vines - He tosses a ball of thorns which will trap those hit by it for a turn if not blocked
As a boss in SD, he fights mainly with a bunch of vines, using them to teleport between positions, launch roots along the ground, or create AOE bursts from under the ground.
In PD, this persona is a ranged unit as Kyle of the Drow Elves. When his ability is charged, he’ll grant his allies invincibility from damage for 3 seconds
The Human Kite is his Superhero persona. Allegedly an alien from another planet, he’s mainly a support unit, though he can put the hurt on foes thanks to his lasers. His FBW attacks include:
Laser Burn - He fires his laser eyes at foes at a range
Jetstream - He uses wind to pull nearby allies towards him while healing them
Kite Shield - He throws up his kite in front of allies, which gives them a shield that protects them from damage
Wrath of Kite - He flies into the atmosphere, before blasting foes with an orbital laser strike that can leave them burning.
He can also fly to the New Kid to help them fly with the power of farts, which is known as Fartkour.
In PD, he’s a flying ranged unit. When his ability is charged, he can grant invincibility to nearby allies for 3 seconds.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Gunslinger Kyle, is a ranged unit. He fights using a revolver, and when his ability is charged, he’ll fire a flare that increases nearby ally’s attacking power for 4.5 seconds.
His Sci-Fi persona, Bounty Hunter Kyle, is a flying ranged unit. He attacks with a blaster, and can increase his allies' attack when he hits enemies and heal them when he defeats them.
His Mystical persona, The Master Ninjew, is a ranged unit armed with throwing stars. When summoned, he’ll boost the attack of his allies. He can also summon other Mystical units.
He also has access to a photon rifle, which shoots light speed projectiles.
Eric Cartman
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
The most infamous of the 4 boys, Cartman is…
Okay there’s no way of soft balling this, he’s fat, angry, racist, anti-semitic, bigoted, greedy, narcissistic, ignorant, cowardly, misanthropic, sociopathic, and just overall not very nice. There’s probably plenty more adjectives you could use to describe him beyond that but I’m sure you get the picture. While he can be lazy and stupid while being easy to beat up, getting on his bad side is one of the worst mistakes you can make. This is because he is a frighteningly great manipulator and schemer, as he’s managed to do shit like having a bully’s parents killed and cooked into chili and frame his therapist for child molestation while making his wife commit suicide. Though his friends do somehow put up with him most of the time, they are fully willing to abandon him when he goes too far, which is distressingly often, as he also has little concept of loyalty and is fully willing to throw his friends under the bus if he has something to gain. Though karma does tend to bite him in the ass eventually.
The Grand Wizard King is his Fantasy persona, in which he is the leader of the Kingdom of the Koopa Keep (no the acronym is not a coincidence). His faction was the first one New Kid allied with and acted as their first experience in South Park, who also taught New Kid how to first weaponize their farts. He also helped with their efforts to end a Snow Day, though he did end up betraying them due to not wanting the snow day to end.
In SoT, he fights with a big staff, which he once used to beat Bilbo Baggins to death. Abilities he can use in combat include:
Magic Missile - His buddy ability, in which he tosses a box of tampons at a foe that will gross them out.
Flame Strike - He pulls out a hair spray and lighter to burn the foes in a row, which can leave them burning if done perfectly.
Burning Cloud - He pulls down his pants and farts through a lighter, causing a blast of flame that can shred foes’ armor.
Shower of Ice - He somehow ends up behind his opponent with a bathtub of ice that he’ll dump on them, which can freeze them to slow them down.
Curse - By overloading a chip meant to restrict his swearing with a lot of swears, he can unleash the built up electricity to blast a foe to hell, piercing through their armor in the process.
He also has passive abilities in Surge, which can restore his PP on a perfect attack, and Gluttony, which can double the effectiveness of any healing items he eats.
He’s also shown to possess knowledge of the New Kid’s first two fart spells, as he is the one who teaches them.
As a boss in SD, he summons a giant snow golem known as Bulrog, who attacks with melee swipes and can separate into a bunch of smaller clones to keep Cartman hidden. While this happens, Cartman keeps his distance and attacks using fireballs and meteor showers, and he’s also able to shield himself.
In PD, this persona is a tank unit as Grand Wizard Cartman. When his ability is charged, he’s able to slam down his staff and cause a shockwave that will knock back any nearby foes. He’s also able to summon other Adventure units to his side.
The Coon is his Superhero persona. While he styles himself as a badass Batman style vigilante, he is still Cartman under the mask, and as such he tends to work against himself. He’s the leader of the Coon and Friends and the main instigator of the feud between the sides, with him betraying them under the alias Mitch Connor after they merged with the Freedom Pals simply because he wasn’t the star anymore. Though he still is pretty competent as a fighter, as with his claws he can slash apart any criminal foolish enough to stand in his path.
His FBW attacks include:
Coon Claws - He claws at foes in front of him, making them bleed.
Coon Lunge - He dashes through foes, slashing them along the way.
Coon Pounce - He jumps up in the air before landing on a foe, trading places with them in the process.
Prime-Time Coon - His ultimate ability, where the thought of being a huge popular hero motivates him into slashing all nearby enemies apart.
In PD, this persona is a tank unit who can get an attack boost based on how many other superhero allies there are in the field.
Also no I’m not bringing up Mitch Connor for a section, because he’s stupid as a plot point, is very much not an ally of New Kid, and is canonically dead.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Sheriff Cartman, is a tank unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll pull out dual revolvers and fire them wildly, damaging foes in a circle around him.
His Sci-Fi persona, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000, is a tank unit, which is a cardboard robot disguise he once used to try and prank Butters. When his ability is charged, he unleashes a cosmic stomp which freezes nearby enemies in place for 4 seconds.
His Mystical persona, Zen Cartman, is a tank unit based on the Buddha. When his ability is charged, he can attract the attention of nearby enemies to force them to target him over his allies.
He’s also shown a decent amount of toon force, being able to pull random stuff out of nowhere, shoving comically large things up his butt, and once even regenerating from his head blowing up offscreen.
Kenny McCormick
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!”
“You bastards!”
The last of the main 4 boys, Kenny is most well known for his muffled voice due to constantly wearing a parka hood around his head, his family’s poor livelihood, his tendency to be a bit perverted, and for being incredibly bad at staying alive. Thanks to his parents conceiving him while they were partying with a Lovecraftian cult, Kenny is cursed to not be able to die, as whenever he does, he’ll end up being brought alive the next day as if nothing happened. This has been shown to work with a very wide variety of lethal circumstances. While others tend to immediately forget these deaths, Kenny is completely aware of all of them. This ability does generally seem to need about a day to work, though it can vary, as he’s been able to summon portals to return in the middle of the battle, directly revive himself as a soul, and even just appear out of nowhere.
Princess Kenny is his Fantasy persona, and is a lovely maiden who I am going to refer to with female pronouns because I am not risking a misgendering scandal on top of all the other cancellable things this blog is making me type. Originally one of the allies of the Kingdom of the Kupa Keep, she did end up siding against the New Kid as the final boss after trying to take the Stick of Truth, though allegedly it was also that time of month for her. She also sided against the New Kid during the Snow Day adventures.
In Stick of Truth, she’s equipped with a bow and arrow, and her abilities in combat include:
Charm - Her buddy ability, in which she flashes the opponent with her nonexistent boobs and causes the foe’s attack to decrease. I’m going to choose not to acknowledge the implications of an underage kid flashing enemies which can include adults.
Royal Kiss - She plants a kiss on enemies to catch them completely off-guard, and gross them out because it apparently spreads STDs. Will Gross Out Kenny if she mistimes the button input.
Furry Friends - She sings and summons a swarm of rats, who will swarm foes and make them bleed, though mistiming it can leave Kenny dead as well.
Unicorn Stampede - She summons a magical unicorn to impale a row of enemies, though it will also impale Kenny if she mistimes the input.
Additionally, whenever she falls in battle, she will come back to life two turns later by summoning a portal out of the afterlife.
As the final Boss of Stick of Truth, she’s able to fire rainbow beams at foes, and by consuming Nazi Zombie serum, she can transform into an even stronger form. This form can summon zombie versions of her standard summons as well as Death, vomit out viscera as a projectile, heal with more serum, and will constantly instantly revive from death unless you purify her condition by farting on her balls.
As a boss in SD, she can jump far distances, shoot rainbows, create a big AOE attack, charm foes into fighting for her, and create bombs on opponents which will stick to them before detonating after a bit.
In PS, this persona is an assassin unit. If someone manages to kill her, then their attack stat will end up reduced to 0 for five seconds, making them fairly vulnerable.
Mysterion is his Superhero persona, and notably the one where he can actually talk clearly. Styled after gritty anti-heroes like Batman and Rorschach, this persona is a fairly well known vigilante, and tends to focus on quick and brutal beatdowns when fighting. He’s a principal member of the Freedom Pals, and has a special soft spot for his younger sister.
His FBW attacks include:
Demonic Fury - He does a simple but highly effective series of unarmed strikes on foes in front of him.
Dread Rush - He turns to a shadowy form, phasing past foes in front of him before knocking them backwards where he once was.
Dark Whisper - He summons a dark shadowy whip which ensnares foes and drags them towards him while decreasing their defense.
Cruel Fate - His ultimate ability where he pulls out a bomb to blow up all foes around him, causing high damage as well as giving them the Burning and Shock status effects at the cost of his life.
Uniquely, when he dies in FBW, he still can fight on as a ghost, though he can’t directly hurt still alive foes or use items, nor be affected by items from allies. Abilities this form has includes:
Phantom Chill - He haunts a foe, chilling them to make them lose a turn
Marked for Death - He circles around a foe to decrease their defense.
Spooked - Invokes spectral terror on a foe, causing them to be confused
Mysterion Re-rising - His ghost form’s ultimate ability, where his effort to return to the fight revives him back to human form while healing any nearby allies.
In PD, this persona is an assassin unit. When fighting here, whenever he dies, his spirit will leave his body and go to the New Kid, and when contacting them, he ends up reviving and getting back to the fight. This can repeat indefinitely.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Inuit Kenny, is an assassin unit equipped with tusks that can automatically deal heavy damage to any foes that kill him.
His Sci-Fi persona, Cyborg Kenny, is an assassin unit equipped with energy gauntlets who can briefly brainwash foes that defeat him while slightly healing him. He is also able to summon other Sci-Fi units himself.
His Mystical persona, Hermes Kenny, is an assassin unit based on the Greek messenger god. He is equipped with a staff and, when killed, doubles the New Kid’s energy gain for 4 seconds.
Butters Stotch
Butters is a pretty kind kid, not liking to curse or be mean to others. Unfortunately, he lives in South Park, which means he’s often taken advantage of and tends to get put through the physical and emotional wringer a lot. He does try to maintain a positive outlook despite this, though his resentment can bubble up on occasion when he’s feeling particularly hurt. He’s also the best character in the show.
Paladin Butters the Merciful is his Fantasy persona, and is the first friend New Kid makes in South Park. He’s an ally of the Kupa Keep and is generally pretty kind, going out of his way to help others like any good paladin.
In SoT, he can smack foes with his Hammer of Storms, which can deal innate electric damage and bonus holy damage. Abilities he can use in battle include:
Healing Touch - His buddy ability, in which he uses a reassuring back pat to heal up allies.
In his solo boss battle, he can use this on himself, which also removes any negative status ailments.
Hammer of Justice - He’ll spin around and toss his hammer at a foe, pissing them off to make them unable to use special attacks while trying to focus on him.
Hammer of Storms - Butters holds up his hammer to channel a blast of lightning at a column of foes.
Professor Chaos - The Paladin can briefly channel the strength of his more chaotic self, which unlocks a roulette randomly selected effects. These include smiting and stunning foes with the Hammer of Chaos, shielding himself and allies with the Chaos Cloak, blasting foes away with a Chaos Blast, sucking away foes’ health for his allies with Life Drain, or firing a flurry of blasts with Chaos Storm.
He also has a passive ability in Born Victim, which makes enemies target him more.
🙁
In his solo boss fight, he’s also equipped with a shield that can take 5 hits without damaging him.
During his battle with their future selves in FBW, he showed the ability to revive his fallen allies back to peak condition.
In PD, this persona is an assassin unit. When he ends up defeated, he sends a beam to the nearest ally which makes them invulnerable for 3 seconds.
Professor Chaos is his Superhero persona. Originally spawned from Butters’ resentment over his poor treatment, his main goal is to plunge the world into pure anarchy. Unfortunately, he is still Butters, so many of his plans can come off as less than threatening. Though he has managed to do stuff like hack stadium screens, almost blow up a hospital, and hire a lot of immigrant workers that tried to cover the town in lava and form into a mech. But that’s nothing compared to his most diabolical act, which is becoming an NFT salesman (in a bad future that was retconned away thankfully).
His FBW attacks include:
Chaos Blast - He creates a blast of pure energy to zap foes
Chaos Confuse-O-Tron - An odd device will pop up below a foe, which will zap them hard enough to shock and confuse them.
Chaos Minion - He whistles and summons a cheaply paid immigrant worker, who can punch and act as a shield against foes for 3 turns.
Hammer of Chaos - His ultimate ability, where he summons a hammer of pure chaos to crush foes.
He also shows the ability to teleport out of nowhere in a blast of lightning, to help New Kid haywire technology. He does this by shoving a hamster up his butt, before New Kid farts to launch it at the tech to make it malfunction.
🙁
In PD, this persona is an assassin unit. When summoned, he will throw a blast of energy at the enemies in front of him, which will stun them for 2 seconds. His tinfoil helmet also makes him immune to mind control.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Deckhand Butters, is an assassin unit. When he’s defeated, he’ll heal the closest nearby ally.
His Sci-Fi persona, Astronaut Butters, is an assassin unit. When he’s defeated, he’ll buff the speed of the closest ally.
His Mystical persona, Choirboy Butters, is an assassin unit. When he’s defeated, he’ll give the player some energy for use in summoning.
Jimmy Valmer
“Wow, what a terrific audience!”
Jimmy is a handicapped kid, likely suffering from Pfeiffer Syndrome, which means he needs crutches to walk around on and has a bit of stutter when he speaks. But he hasn’t let that keep him down much, as he’s a pretty nice kid with a passion for stand up comedy and music.
Jimmy the Bard is his Fantasy persona, and he initially was on the side of the elves, becoming the first major boss of New Kid’s first day after taking the Stick of Truth. He later ended up becoming a major ally of the New Kid, and would act as the giver of upgrade cards during their Snow Day adventures.
In SoT, he fights using a crossbow that fires rocks at foes. Abilities he can use in battle include:
Power Chord - His buddy ability, which recovers some PP
Song of Buffness - He plays a song that can boost the effectiveness of his side’s allies while doing the opposite to foes.
Lullabye - He plays a song that puts foes to sleep, with more effective execution of the command leading to longer naptime.
Brown Note - He gets a massive horn and plays the dreaded Brown Note, which loosens the bowels of those who hear it, dealing moderate damage while lowering their defense.
During his boss fight, he was also able to play a little tune to summon rats to fight alongside him, as well as lead other rats away from foes.
In SD, he acts as the giver of upgrade cards which you can use to upgrade your abilities between battles
In PD, he’s a fighter unit as Le Bard Jimmy. When summoned, he’ll play a note that will decrease the Max HP of all foes permanently.
Fastpass is his Superhero persona. He’s the speedster of the team, being able to run around so fast he acts as the fast travel system, and he was a pretty notable hero on the side of the Coon & Friends, as well as being the lead of the Bring the Crunch DLC.
His FBW attacks include:
Blind Side - He dashes through foes, before turning invisible on the other side of them for a turn.
Hit and Run - He quickly makes a dashing strike on a foe at range.
Transporter - He swaps places with an ally while healing them.
Burning Lap - His ultimate ability, in which he races around the earth several times while using his speed to slam into foes hard enough to make them start burning.
In PD, this persona is a fighter unit. When his ability is activated, he’ll rush forward to the nearest enemy to hit them and then dash back, damaging any other enemies in his path.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Storyteller Jimmy, is a fighter unit. He spawns while surrounded by an aura which will decrease the attack of all enemies until he is defeated.
His Sci-Fi persona, Enforcer Jimmy, is a fighter unit. He spawns while surrounded by an aura which prevents nearby enemies from charging abilities.
His Mystical persona, Friar Jimmy, is a fighter unit. He spawns while surrounded by an aura which causes nearby allies to regenerate health.
Craig Tucker
Craig is a pretty dry and cynical kid, more so than the others, as he tends to not give a single fuck about situations he gets caught up in beyond general annoyance. But he does still have a softer side, most notably with his boyfriend Tweek.
Feldspar the Thief is his Fantasy persona, who was initially an ally of the Kupa Keep, though he later betrayed them after Craig took the Stick of Truth, leading to him coming to blows with the New Kid.
In SoT, he has the ability to summon 4 clones to his side, which can be used to surround foes. These clones have less health than the real Craig but can do just as much damage, and he also removes all debuffs he was experiencing to help keep him undetectable. He’s also able to attack with backstabs and his knife.
In PD, his Fantasy persona is instead Dark Mage Craig. He’s a ranged unit that, when summoned, will toss a dog turd at the enemy commander, halving the attack of them and any nearby allies for 6 seconds.
Super Craig is his Superhero persona. His choice of costume is not really as impressive as the other kid’s abilities, but his brawler abilities can make him a physical force to be reckoned with.
His FBW attacks include:
Mega Fist Punch - He punches the opponent, knocking them back
Shining Hate Finger - He flips off a foe, enraging them before making a barrier for himself
Omega Crash Extra - He charges a foe, knocking back and slowing them
Furry Death - His ultimate ability, in which he makes his trusty guinea pig charge a foe for massive damage
Eros Eruption - A dual ultimate ability done with his boyfriend, in which they do a public display of affection that will damage and confuse nearby enemies.
In PD, this persona is a fighter unit, whose attacks are able to knock back any enemies that he hits.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Incan Craig, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll fire a laser beam at the enemy commander, dealing damage to them and anyone in its path.
His Sci-Fi persona, Marine Craig, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll fire a water gun at the enemy commander, poisoning them and any nearby enemies.
His Mystical persona, Youth Pastor Craig, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll throw a microphone at the enemy commander, preventing them from using any Spells for 30 seconds.
Tweek Tweak
The son of the local coffee shop owners, and between having to constantly try their products, he’s a bit addicted to caffeine. This has led to him being a bit of a nervous wreck, constantly feeling under pressure and being pretty paranoid about conspiracies.
His main Fantasy persona appears to be a berserker, but he doesn’t really do anything in SoT due to being an NPC.
In PD, his persona is instead Robin Tweek, who is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll put an apple on one of his arrows and fire it at a random ally, healing them and increasing their maximum health
Wonder Tweek is his Superhero persona. Originally a member of the Coon & Friends, who ended up splitting up with the team and his boyfriend for the Freedom Pals. Though they did make up later.
His FBW attacks include:
Supreme Lightning - He calls down lightning from the sky to shock foes
Icicle Strike - He freezes a singular enemy, chilling them
Soothing Showers - He creates some water that will heal a single ally
Single-Origin Overdose - His ultimate ability, in which downs a whole pot of coffee before zapping all enemies around him
Eros Eruption - A dual ultimate ability done with his boyfriend, in which they do a public display of affection that will damage and confuse nearby enemies.
In PD, this persona is a flying ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll create a small tornado ahead of him that will suck up foes for 5 seconds.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Outlaw Tweek, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll toss a stick of dynamite at the closest enemy.
His Sci-Fi persona, Warboy Tweek, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll buff the speed of all nearby allies for 4.4 seconds.
His Mystical persona, Imp Tweek, is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll create a fire tornado that will attract the furthest enemy in his range and stun them for 2 seconds.
Tolkien Black
“If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all.”
Tolkien is a boy who has often felt ostracized due to being the one kid like him in town. By which I mean being rich. He’s typically a fairly level headed kid who tends to act as a straight man to people, though he can end up getting more aggressive if pushed, especially if it’s coming from a place of discrimination. Also yes, that is how his name is spelled. Why would anyone think a black character’s name is literally spelled “Token Black”? That’d be a bit weird.
Tolkien the Healer is his Fantasy persona, and uh, he has healing, though as he is an NPC you never fight in SoT we don’t really know how good his healing is.
In PD, his persona is instead Rogue Tolkien, who is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll toss out some knives that will hit nearby enemies.
Tupperware is his Superhero persona. Thanks to his parents, he acts as the financier of the Freedom Pals, as their high tech base is in his house.
His FBW attacks include:
Tupper Tornado - He spins around, knocking back opponents on all side of him
Hot Swap - He swaps places with an ally via teleportation, giving himself shields in the process
Tupper Turret - Creates a stationary turret that will fire darts at foes directly to its sides for 3 turns
Tupper Mech Mark III - His ultimate ability, in which Tolkien busts out the heavy equipment, summoning a massive suit that launches 3 rounds of missiles at foes. These can slow and shock anyone hit by them.
In PD, he’s a fighter unit. His ability is to be immune to all abilities, status effects, and spells, both positive and negative.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Shaman Tolkien, is a fighter unit. When his ability is charged, he can cure all allies of any negative status effects.
His Sci-Fi persona, Space Warrior Tolkien, is a fighter unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll lunge at the closest enemy with a blade.
His Mystical persona, Witch Doctor Tolkien, is a fighter unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll create a field that will drain health from nearby enemies.
Clyde Donovan
“Janice, can I call you mom? Fuck you, mom.”
Clyde as a character certainly exists. He is generally pretty nice, though he can break down and start crying in stressful situations, and I don’t really know what else to say, he’s probably the least interesting of the boys tbh.
Warrior Clyde is his Fantasy persona, and he was initially part of the Kupa Keep, until he let the Stick of Truth be stolen and was promptly banished from space and time. As revenge, he’d organize a plot to steal the Stick of Truth and summon a horde of Nazi Zombie Minions to rule the world. But then he got beat up.
In SoT, he has access to alien goop which could revive the dead and turn them to Nazi Zombies. He can also fire this with a squirt gun to keep zombies in line and also has a molotov.
During his future fight in Fractured but Whole, he can attack with his sword and use Shield Stance to make barriers for him and his allies.
In PD, his persona is instead Dwarf King Clyde, who is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll charge at the closest enemy and attack them with a massively damaging strike.
Mosquito is his Superhero persona. I am not hyping this persona up because of personal bias against these fucking bloodsuckers. And also because he sucks.
His FBW attacks include:
Bug Bite Barrage - He flies around an opponent, hitting them while healing himself.
Skeeter Swarm - He creates a swarm of mosquitoes around him, which gross out nearby foes while buffing his attack.
Zika Rush - He flies through a row of enemies while stealing health from them
Pandemic Pestilence - His Ultimate Ability, in which he summons an even bigger swarm of mosquitoes to gross out a wide group of foes.
In PD, this persona is a Fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll bring out a swarm of mosquitoes that will attack foes while healing him.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Hookhand Clyde, is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll toss a wind up parrot at the closest enemy.
His Sci-Fi persona, Alien Clyde, is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll pull out a lobster and throw it at the closest enemy, poisoning them for 10 seconds.
His Mystical persona, Hercules Clyde, is a fighter unit. When summoned, he’ll run and hit the nearest enemy with a strike that stops their charge for abilities.
Wendy Testaburger
“I'm gonna kick your ass, that's what I'm gonna do”
Wendy is the most prominent of the girls, due to being Stan’s on again off again girlfriend. She is a very driven girl that tends to be very outspoken about her beliefs, and she does have a tendency to go too far sometimes, but she still tries to do her best at heart.
In SoT, she acts as the leader of the girls faction, ultimately ending up allying with the boys to take down Clyde. She doesn’t really do much on screen though.
In PD, her Fantasy persona is instead Shieldmaiden Wendy, a fighter unit. When her ability is charged, she will put her shield to become invincible for 4 seconds.
Call Girl is her Superhero persona. She started as an independent superhero away from the Freedom Pals, but ended up joining forces with them when their fight against crime turned more genuine.
Her FBW attacks include:
Selfie-Stick Strike - She uses two selfie sticks to whack an enemy, slowing them.
Phone Destroyer - She sends a virus to a nearby enemy’s phone, causing it to blow up and reduce their defenses. It can somehow still be used even on enemies that logically shouldn’t have phones.
Blocked - She fires some lights at an enemy, enraging them before making a barrier for herself
Flash Mob - Her ultimate ability, in which she causes a flash mob of people by making a Chinpokomon Go raid happen. They will stampede over all foes, damaging them and reducing their defense.
In PD, this persona is a ranged unit. When summoned, she’ll summon another superhero ally from the New Kid’s deck with her own phone.
Other PD Personas include:
Her Adventure persona, Captain Wendy, is a ranged unit. When her ability is charged, she’ll fire three shots at the three closest enemies to her.
Her Sci-Fi persona, Ice Sniper Wendy, is a ranged unit. When her ability is charged, she’ll fire three shots at the three closest enemies to her which will freeze them for 4 seconds.
Her Mystical persona, Angel Wendy, is a ranged unit. When her ability is charged, she’ll fire three shots at the three closest enemies to heal them.
Timmy Burch
Timmy is a kid who is mentally handicapped to the point of needing a wheelchair and only being able to say his name. Yeah. Despite that, he’s still managed to show that he’s fully capable of being competent with the various shenanigans in town.
Fast Travel Timmy is his Fantasy persona. As the name implies, in SoT he can let the New Kid fast travel around the town. Very useful here.
In PD, his persona is instead Catapult Timmy, who is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll launch two rats at the nearest enemy.
Doctor Timothy is his Superhero persona. He acts as the main brains behind the Freedom Pals, and ends up coming to blows with the New Kid at several points. Though he does still have his friend’s best interest at heart.
Abilities he demonstrates include sending his thoughts telepathically to act as his voice, teleporting himself and others, brainwashing people to his side (though he can only do it on 4 people at once), creating barriers, telepathically reading minds, and creating blasts of psychic energy.
In the Bring the Crunch DLC, he ends up brainwashed by an alien during the final boss fight. Abilities he demonstrated here include creating illusions, dragging magma through the earth’s mantle, draining your ultimate meter, and messing with the UI.
In PD, this persona is a ranged unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll telekinetically lift the furthest ground unit in the air for 4 seconds before slamming them back down.
Other PD Personas include:
His Adventure persona, Pirate Ship Timmy, is a ranged unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll launch a cannonball at the closest enemy.
His Sci-Fi persona, Mecha Timmy, is a ranged unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll fire a blast that will mind control the nearest enemy for 4.5 seconds.
His Mystical persona, Pope Timmy, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll also summon the cheapest unit in the New Kid’s deck along with him.
Scott Malkinson
Scott is another kid at the elementary school who is pretty nice, and he has diabetes. That is about all there is to say about him. Can you tell this is one of the last bits I did here?
Range Scott is his Fantasy persona, and in SoT he acts as a weapons shop owner without too much else to talk about.
In PD, his persona is instead Alchemist Scott, who is a ranged unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll toss some vials at an opponent, which will make them receive more damage from Scott’s attacks.
Captain Diabetes is his Superhero persona. In this form, he’s somehow able to turn his diabetes
His FBW attacks include:
Coma Combo - He does a brutal double-punch that can knock back enemies.
Sugar Rush - He does a dash attack through enemies which can grant him protection
Insulin Shock - He channels his rage into a shock around him, which can knock back enemies around him and grant him protection.
High-Fructose Death Wave - His ultimate ability, in which he goes into a sugar rush that results in a big shockwave of rocks from the ground to knock back enemies.
In PD, this persona is a fighter unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll consume some candy and get mad, doubling his attack and max health for 8 seconds.
Other PD Personas include… nothing actually, those are his only two.
Henrietta Biggle
"You know that nightmare you have about Hot Topic burning down? I'm way worse."
Henrietta is one of the town’s local Goth Kids, along with Micheal, Pete, and Firkle. The four of them tend to be pretty angry at the world and all its conformist bullshit, though their coping mostly consists of hanging around in alleys with cigarettes and punk music.
In SoT she and the other Goth Kids are some allies that the New Kid gets on the side of their faction of choice. They don’t really do anything besides beat up a group of goons offscreen.
In FBW, she acts as a support unit during the Casa Bonita DLC, though she opts not to use any secret identity because that’d make her a conformist. Her abilities used in battle include:
Cigarette Burn - She uses her cigarette to damage and burn a row of enemies
Satanic Seal - Can be used on an ally to remove negative status effects, grant protection, and buff their attacking power
Baleful Blessing - Can be used on an ally to heal them, give their attacks lifesteal, and grant a Baleful Blessing, which will cause an explosion at the end of their next turn that drains the health of nearby enemies
Black Mass - Her ultimate ability, in which she invokes the power of Satan to damage all enemies and heal all allies.
In SD, she appears during levels to give Dark Ritual cards, which can have effects on the New Kid’s abilities. A full list is here, but to cover the more relevant ones:
Bottomless - Fully replenishes all uses of your selected Bullshit Card
Non-Conformist - Raises the level of all Upgrade cards by one
The Hanged Man - Sacrifice a random Upgrade card to max the level of all other Upgrade cards in use
In PD, she’s a tank unit. If one of her fellow Goth Kids dies, she can sacrifice some of her health to revive them. However, she won’t revive them if the health drain would kill her, and she can’t be revived by other units.
Speaking of which, I may as well cover the other Goth Kids here, since it’d be a conformist move to save them until the list at the end.
Michael is a fighter unit. When on the field he can make himself and the other Goth Kids immune to enemy spells.
Pete is a ranged unit. When on the field, he and the other Goth Kids will heal back a fraction of any damage they deal
Firkle is an assassin unit. When defeated, he’ll grant all allied Goth Kids an attack boost
Bradley Biggle
Bradley is a character that doesn’t do a whole lot generally, but there is of course his most famous persona…
His Superhero persona, Mintberry Crunch! Originally seen as just a very lame choice in costume, it was revealed that he is, in fact, an alien from another world who has control over mint and berries, making him one of the most powerful beings in the South Park world.
After being absent from the base game, he ended up returning to earth in the Bring the Crunch DLC for FBW, in which he becomes another ally of the New Kid. His abilities in combat include:
Mint Launch - He flies up in the air, applying the Mint buff to nearby allies. He stays in the air for a turn, before landing with…
Berry Land - …in which he lands, damaging and afflicting opponents around his landing site with the Berry status effect
Berry Blast - He launches a blast of berries in front of him, damaging foes and inflicting them with the Berry status effect
Flavor Burst - A quick burst of flavor which can inflict foes with the Berry status effect while giving allies the Mint buff while also healing any negative status effects they have
Bringing the Crunch - His ultimate ability, in which he summons the power of mint and berry to hit and Berry all foes while Minting allies.
To explain that status effect, any enemies who are afflicted with the Berry status effect are completely incapable of dealing damage to allies with the Mint status effect. As you can imagine, this makes him probably the most broken of the New Kid’s support allies in combat.
In PD, this persona is a flying ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll give nearby allies 50 more max HP for 15 seconds, and when his ability is charged, fires a blast that deals damage in a line to the furthest enemy.
Other abilities he’s shown include flight, which is fast enough to cross cosmic distances, super strength that makes him strong enough to carry large monsters, and force fields which can be used to carry around allies safely.
dang wish I knew that before gassing him up
PD also gives him other personas I guess
His Fantasy persona, Elven King Bradley, is a fighter unit. When he’s on the field, all allied ranged units get an attack and range boost as long as he’s active on the field.
This persona is also really confusing, not only because Bradley was in SoT as a random thief, but because Kyle is supposed to be the leader of the elves, not him
His Adventure persona, Frontier Bradley, is a ranged unit. When he’s on the field, all allied fighter units get their attack power increased and can gain the ability to do area damage if they couldn’t already.
His Sci-Fi persona, Space Pilot Bradley, is a ranged unit. When summoned, he’ll activate a device that makes it so any assassin units who are spawned will create a stunning shockwave when summoned.
His Mystical persona, Archangel Bradley, is a flying fighter unit. When on the field, allied tank units will gain a health bonus and will emit an aura that slows any enemies that approach them.
These are pretty good units but how the fuck did he get 5 units when he’s basically a background character outside of Mintberry Crunch stuff?
Stick of Truth Summons
In the quest for the Stick of Truth, the New Kid has access to a variety of items, which can each be used once a day to summon a powerful ally that can come from anywhere to one shot any non-boss encounter.
Jesus - By offering a rosary, Jesus Christ himself will come down from the heavens armed with a machine gun to blast away foes.
In PD, he’s a ranged unit. When summoned, he can heal all nearby allies while forgiving their sins. If he dies, he’ll be revived once next to New Kid, repeating the healing move as he does so.
This resurrection has also allowed him to instantly revive from his death and end up wherever he wants.
He’s also shown the ability to weaponize his halo, heal broken legs, shoot energy blasts, and make wooden structures pretty quickly.
Mr. Hankey - By using feces, you can summon this literal piece of shit, who will promptly recreate Fantasia in the most cursed way possible.
In PD, he’s an assassin unit. When summoned, he tosses shit at nearby allies, which can cause their charge based moves to charge faster.
His poop waves were shown to be able to cover whole buildings, and he can use it to create sentient poop monsters and large tornadoes of shit. He can also summon storms and lightning, and possesses poop based transport in the Poo-Choo Express, Magical Helicrapter, and Seven Turdy Seven.
In SD, he shows the ability to create massive snowstorms, brainwash and empower people with Dark Matter, and absorb power to become the massive sandworm-esque Scheisse-Hulud.
In this form, he can summon poop minions and projectiles, create shockwaves, and fire a radiation laser.
The fact a literal sentient piece of poop is somehow not the most cursed character in this section is really telling. Speaking of which…
Mr. Slave - By using a rawhide whip, New Kid will summon this gay stereotype, who will promptly… shove a foe directly up his ass. Even if said foes are adults as tall as him.
The inside of his asshole is a bit expansive and this move is directly described as removing foes from combat, so this can be seen as the most cursed BFR ever.
In PD, he’s a tank unit as Mr. Slave Executioner. When his health reaches half, he can heal himself, and when he’s defeated, he can summon 3 cocks.
Yep.
Tuong Lu Kim - With a ring of a gong, a wild Chinese stereotype will be summoned, who will promptly perform a war dance to intimidate foes into fleeing.
In PD, he’s a ranged unit as City Wok Guy. When his ability is charged, he’ll fire flaming arrows at any allied animal units, which causes an explosion that hurts nearby enemies while killing the animal unit instantly.
🙁
He’s also a skilled ninja, as seen in FBW, being able to fight with a sword and having a group of other ninjas under his employ.
He also possesses a heat seeking rocket launcher, an axe, and sweet and sour chicken dumpers to deal with Mongolians. He also owns a plane, which he pilots with… questionable competence.
Fractured But Whole Summons
These guys can be summoned by using certain items which can be used at any time once a battle. Each of these items are limited so you have to spend them wisely.
Moses - By offering a macaroni picture, you will invoke the power of this Jewish prophet, who will fully heal the party while giving everyone regeneration. Can be used up to 10 times.
He’s also been shown to be able to banish evil entities, vaporize people down to the bone with laser eyes, instantly scan tapes, and sense if people aren’t Jewish.
Classi - By sending a text through this stripper’s burner phone, she will promptly drive up and ram a row of opponents with her car. Can be used up to 5 times.
In PD, she’s a fighter unit. When she drops below two thirds of her health, she can send out a stunning shockwave as her attacking power triples.
Gerald Broflovski - By using this vial of cat… stuff, you’ll summon Kyle’s Dad, who will promptly bomb the battlefield in a bomber plane known as the Jewish Princess. The plane in question is supposed to just be a hallucination, so I have no idea how he’s actually dealing damage, but if it works it works. Can be used up to 10 times.
Jimbo & Ned - Using a ham radio to give them a call summons the town’s resident gunmen, who promptly stand their ground and light up foes with machine guns, before Jimbo finishes them off with a grenade. Can be used up to 5 times.
Both are also in PD as ranged units. Hunter Jimbo attacks in an AOE cone and can boost the damage of the closest ranged ally, while War Hero Ned can heal the closest allied tank by half of his attack while attacking foes.
They’re both the owners of the local gun store and have access to a wide variety of firearms, as well as being war veterans and skilled hunters.
Other Phone Destroyer Allies
This will just be sticking to options I find particularly notable, as this is already a bit long and I’ve still yet to mention dozens of other units with not much to bring up. A full list of all the units can be found here.
Changeling Red - One of the many girls of South Park Elementary, with this being her most notable persona. This fighter unit has an ability that, when charged, allows her to kill the nearest ground unit below a third health while transforming to a clone of them with their abilities.
She has a few other notable abilities from other personas, including the ability to halve all enemy’s health and attack when summoned as a Dragonslayer, kill a nearby low health ally to revive them with full health as a Dark Angel, and throw eggs that will poison enemies when summoned as an Alien Queen.
Future Randy - The future version of Stan’s dad, who’s kind of a big deal. He’s a tank unit that, when summoned, will warp time and force all units on the field back to their summoner. These units will then be freezed for 3 seconds, with allies being healed as it happens.
His present self’s other personas in PD all involve summoning other units, as he can bring out a Native American kid, a robot vacuum, a choirboy, cocks, and potted plants that can attack enemies when each of these persona’s abilities are charged. .
All of these personas also involve him crossdressing for some reason
President Garrison - The kid’s teacher turned president and parody of some orange guy. He’s a fighter unit that can attack in an area, and when his ability is charged, he’ll fire an orbital strike laser on a random opposing unit.
He also has personas but because that would involve talking about Mr Garrison’s other history in the show I’m not bringing that up.
Mayor McDaniels - The town’s often ignored mayor acts as a ranged unit. When summoned, she’ll scream into a megaphone, causing all enemies with a charge ability on the battlefield to have their charge power reset and unable to be built for 15 seconds.
Medicine Woman Sharon - Stan’s mom can join in on the fun as a ranged unit. When her ability is charged, she will heal herself and all nearby allies.
Scuzzlebutt - A kind monster from the mountains who acts as a tank unit. When he’s defeated, the nearest three allies will be granted increased health and immunity to all attacking spells.
🙁
Doctor Mephesto - The local geneticist who is obsessed with giving things more asses, who acts as a tank unit. When his ability is charged, he’ll shoot tentacles underground that will pop up in a row, pushing back and stunning the closest enemy to the New Kid.
Terrance and Phillip - The farting duo from Canada, who fight as a dual fighter unit. They’re very skilled in farting, and have knowledge of the New Kid’s magic farts, being the ones to teach them the Nagasaki.
Officer Barbrady - The town’s local and often incompetent police officer, who is a tank unit. When he’s defeated he’ll pull out a bomb that will damage nearby enemies.
As he’s a cop he should also have access to a bunch of guns and stuff.
Priest Maxi - The town’s local priest, who can act as a tank unit. When summoned, he creates an aura that can regenerate the health of nearby allies, which can quadruple in effectiveness when he’s below half health.
Before anyone makes the obvious joke, he’s literally the one Catholic priest in the South Park universe who is not a pedophile.
Towelie - A high as fuck sentient towel who acts as a fighter unit. He spawns with an aura that slows nearby enemies who get in range of it.
He initially met the New Kid while trying to get sober, ultimately ending up fighting them due to the stress of not being high. In this fight he can attack with an aerosol flamethrower and has infinite health, though he does end up ceasing the attack when he gets high again.
He also shows up to give the New Kid gameplay tips, though after falling off the wagon his tips get… a lot more questionably useful.
Mr. Mackey - The school’s counselor can join in on some battles as a fighter unit, m'kay? While on the field, he creates an aura that gives an attack boost for allies within range
Satan - The prince of darkness himself, who’s actually surprisingly chill, and acts as a tank unit. When summoned, he can damage surrounding units with hellfire, though this is capable of friendly fire.
He’s shown plenty of other abilities, such as creating fire blasts, telekinetically moving things, summoning storms, teleporting, moving as a ball of fire, reviving people and nature, possessing people, and creating portals to and from hell.
Woodland Critters - Don’t let their pleasant appearance fool you, as these are satanist animals who plan to summon the antichrist. Initially just the stars of a violent story that Cartman made, the games revealed that they were actually real, which is unfortunate considering what they like doing to their victims. As ranged units in FBW, they can charge the ability to sacrifice the closest ally while adding their health and strength to themselves.
They also had a boss fight in FBW. During this, they showed the ability to shoot laser eyes, create blasts of fire, summon hellfire meteors, heal each other, and sacrifice themselves to boost the others’ strength.
Santa Claus - Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself can join the battle. He’s a tank unit who, when his ability his charged, allows all his ally’s charge abilities to be instantly charged
He also showed up to help New Kid in a boss fight with the Woodland Critters in FBW. During this, he can attack with a baseball bat and summon a gingerbread man to take hits.
ManBearPig - A tank unit that was real all along. It is the strongest unit in the game, but it doesn’t really have any notable abilities, it’s just really goddamn strong.
Feats
The Boss
Overall
“This is our city. We'll do whatever the fuck we want.”
Became the Boss of the Third Street Saints, the President of the United States, and the leader of the Zin Empire
Survived a blast that put them in a 5 year coma
Won Professor Genki's Super Ethical Reality Climax and Genkibowl VII
Was recognised by Satan as the most violent person in human history
Defeated the Vice Kings, Los Carnales, the Westside Rollerz, the Brotherhood, the Ronin, the Sons of Samedi, the Ultor Corporation, the Luchadores, the Deckers, Morningstar, STAG, Zinyak, and the Dominatrix.
Power
Annihilator can blow up helicopters (0.054 Tons) and jets (0.0897 Tons)
With the Iron Saint armor, ripped off Zinyak’s head Sub-Zero style
In the Simulation:
Speed
Can wield and outpace projectiles from various weapons such as:
Super Sprint is stated to be able to break the sound barrier (Mach 1)
Was able to pilot the Saints’ Zin spaceship through the inside of a larger ship
The in-game speedometer for this segment says the ship’s speed is 130.629 m/s
Another ship was shown to be able to fly towards the sun in a short time (1.65 c)
Piloted a simulated version of Santa’s Sleigh (Mach 8667.638 - 0.04 c)
Durability
Can survive repeatedly being hit by cars hard enough to be sent flying
Survived this boat explosion, though they were put in a 5 year long coma (8.655 Tons)
Shrugged off falling from an ICBM mid flight and crash landing in the Oval Office (137.071 - 548.283 Tons)
In the Simulation:
New Kid
Overall
“Hey, New Kid. We need you to come play with us. Meet us outside. And bring your phone!”
One of the best fighters of South Park
Saved the town from a Nazi Zombie infection by farting on Kenny’s balls
Stopped Mitch Connor’s plan to become mayor
Stopped Mr Hankey after he made a blizzard that froze over the town
Defeated Stan, Kyle, Carman, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, Nazi Zombie Chef, the Freedom Pals, aliens, the Crab People, the Vamp Kids, Al Gore, Jared Fogle, Morgan Freeman, the ghost of Michael Jackson, and Scheisse-Hulud
Power
Can smack foes with a wooden baseball bat hard enough to break it
Using Nagasaki, they can break apart large objects, such as:
Farting on Kenny’s balls created a big blast that covered all of South Park (73.335 Tons - 598.475 Kilotons)
Airborne Annihilator finishes foes off with a missile strike (11.3 Megajoules)
Nature’s Gift creates a vine that goes to the clouds (1.55 - 4.35 Kilotons)
Made a big fart while defeating Mutant Cousin Kyle (0.12 Tons)
The Fireball spell has the strength of an explosive according to its card art (0.016 Tons)
Speed
Can directly parry a variety of projectiles, including:
Yes you read that right
Can run across Canada in a short time (Mach 3.614 - 1445.644)
Able to go from Casa Bonita back to South Park in a couple seconds (Mach 95.52 - 286.56)
Durability
Can take hits from all foes in the games
Survived getting suicide bombed by Nazi Zombie Cows (11.55 Megajoules)
Survived an alien ship crash landing that blew up the South Park Mall (25.126 - 339.167 Tons)
Yes you also read that right
Survived being hit by meteors from their past self (2.153 - 88.176 Kilotons)
Can survive being blasted by Nathan’s bombs (4.142 Megajoules)
Scaling
The Boss
The Saints
The Boss has been regularly treated as the best fighter of the Saints, so naturally they should be able to scale to the efforts of their fellow gangbangers.
Pierce survived getting smacked between buildings by Paul (150.043 Kilojoules)
Johnny was able to punch Shogo through a tombstone (1.098 Megajoules)
In an alternate timeline, Shaundi potentially survived the bomb that blew up the Joe Magarac statue (29.182 Tons)
One of their bombs was able to blow up the top of the Syndicate Tower (261.716 - 923.465 Tons)
Kinzie in the simulation was able to make a big explosion (2.5 - 4.396 Kilotons)
Rival Gangs
As the Boss has managed to come out on top against all of the gangs they’ve been forced to fight, it stands to reason that they scale to these markedly less successful gang bangers.
The Zin Empire
While the Saints were initially overwhelmed by the forces of Zinyak, after gaining superpowers and with the Iron Saint armor, they showed themselves to be able to easily take on their more powerful forces both in reality and within the simulation.
Zinyak was able to easily defeat the Boss on their first meeting
Wardens in the simulation are able to summon storms whenever they appear (117.944 Megatons)
The Dominatrix had complete control over the world of the simulation (See Before the Verdict)
Zinyak was able to destroy the Saints HQ with his control over it (1.643 Kilotons) along with several other skyscrapers
Those in control of the simulation are able to control it’s weather, which includes creating overcast skies over its entirety (287.714 Megatons - 8.232 Gigatons)
A Zin ship was able to blow up the Washington Monument (12.919 Tons)
A Zin Warship was able to blow up the Earth nigh instantly (7.122 Yottatons, 1.039 c)
Satan
While the Boss directly scaling to Ol’ Scratch is pretty questionable due to getting kidnapped and defeated offscreen by him, the fact Johnny and Kinzie were able to take him out in combat does mean they should scale to him. Scaling that back to the Boss is more difficult, given there’s not much context given on how the two’s Arcane Powers stack up compared to the powers of the simulation, but given they’re still going to be on the field regardless, it’s not too important.
After falling from Heaven, the impact of his landing fractured the main land mass of the game into 5 islands (1.511 - 13.029 Megatons)
He was able to transform Old Hades into the Hell you fight through
This includes creating the massive storm over all of it (1.337 Gigatons)
This also includes creating the mountain range that surrounds the area (153.568 - 476.283 Gigatons)
New Kid
The Main Boys
The 4 main boys who tend to be at the center of all the weird shenanigans that go on throughout South Park. As the New Kid is able to fight all 4 of them in various fights throughout the games, can fight evenly alongside them, and has been stated to be superior to all of them in a fight, they should scale to their notable feats.
Cartman survived getting charged by a bull that could break through a wooden fence (650.3 Kilojoules)
Stan, Cartman, and Kenny survived an explosion that blew up a ship (49.267 Tons)
They survived an explosion visible from orbit (10.153 Megatons - 4.083 Gigatons)
Cartman was able to shove the entirety of Disney World up his ass
Kyle as Human Kite is able to fly out of the atmosphere in a short time (0.05 - 0.422 c) before launching a beam from that height (0.08 - 0.63 c)
Kenny’s soul was able to fly from the gates of Heaven back to Earth (0.173 - 0.589 c)
The Other Kids
Other kids at South Park Elementary that also end up in the weird shenanigans themselves. Similarly, as New Kid is able to beat up and fight alongside all of them in various fights, and has been stated to be the best fighter among them, he scales to them as well.
Butters smacked a golf ball hard enough to hit the captain of a cruise ship (391 joules)
Craig as Super Craig was able to punch hard enough to displace clouds
Scott as Captain Diabetes is able to tip over Porta-Potties, pay phones, and plenty of other heavy machinery.
Timmy as Dr Timothy is able to drag magma up through the Earth’s crust (2.06 - 15.45 Kilotons)
Bradley as Mintberry Crunch was able to drag Cthulhu from Los Angeles to the Gulf of Mexico (Mach 70, 451.418 - 975.262 Tons)
Jimmy as Fastpass is able to ram people after running around the world in seconds (0.057 - 0.134 c, 1.1 - 6.1 Megatons)
Bradley as Mintberry Crunch was able to travel from his home planet to Earth in couple hours (6136.307 c) (See Before the Verdict)
Other South Park Residents
The miscellaneous denizens of South Park. If you’re thinking the reason New Kid scales here is because they are able to beat up or fight alongside them in various fights, you would be correct.
A Nazi Zombie was able to smash apart a door and punch through a bulletproof vest
Mr Kim survived a blast that blew up his wall, twice (0.105 - 0.223 Tons)
Pip survived a big explosion caused by Damien’s demons (1.532 Tons)
An unnamed drug dealer survived a big explosion (8.313 Tons)
Mr Hankey was able to create a blizzard over the town (4.211 Megatons)
Mr Slave can shove a man up his ass while within his own ass (Infinite) (Yes really) (See Before the Verdict)
ManBearPig
Originally a beast that was seen as just the delusions of Al Gore, ManBearPig was eventually revealed to be a real creature that had escaped from the depths of hell to wreck the world. You might be questioning the idea of scaling anyone to him given he’s treated as a god tier above everyone, but I can assure you I’m super cereal about this. While directly scaling the boys to him is very questionable in the context of the original show, Phone Destroyer makes him a unit which can be defeated by anyone. And no, that’s not just some sort of game mechanics, as ads for the game directly call out this as being an impressive feat you can do and he is mechanically treated as the strongest unit in the game, so it’s not like the game is ignoring his canon power. Finally, while you could argue other powerful units like Jesus or Satan being defeatable in the game is just them playing along with the boy’s games, ManBearPig would have absolutely no reason to play along with that, since he is a bloodthirsty monster of questionable sentience.
He made a big smoke geyser and a large portal to hell (116 Tons and 4.14 Kilotons)
While possessing Stan, he blew up the Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming
He was able to easily beat up Jesus in a boxing match, with Jesus only winning because Satan deliberately threw the fight
Both him and Satan were stated to be some of the strongest beings in the universe
Weaknesses
The Boss
While the Boss’s reputation is certainly earned, they still have their weak points. For starters, while they are very skilled in causing mayhem, that’s also what they always will choose to default to, and that can leave them to act impulsively and not think through certain actions if they are less violent. And while they can give themselves infinite stamina and ammo, their active powers and certain weapons still rely on a cooldown which can make them unable to be used for a time. Finally, while the Iron Saint armor can buff their strength to superhuman levels, without it they’re pretty much a normal grounded human in terms of physicality, something that has led to them getting quickly taken out by far superior foes catching them without a chance to prepare, such as in their first fight with Zinyak or when they were kidnapped by Satan
New Kid
While the New Kid is a powerful fighter, they do still have their weak points. Quite a few of their moves are reliant on various meters, which can leave them lacking options they need to build back up to if misused. Their status as a silent protagonist also means they can act more impassively to manipulations, which has led them to playing into traps in the past. Finally, during FBW, they were able to select one unit type which acted as their kryptonite, meaning they’d deal less and take more damage from them in combat. This could be either sixth graders, raisin girls, chaos minions, old people, ninjas, vampires, or crab people, though which of these is their canon choice is unknown.
Before the Verdict
Canon Co-Op?
Both of these game series have had the chance to fight alongside your friend who has all of the same abilities, and there are some details in both series which could imply this is a canon element. However, I don’t think there’s much solid evidence to include them in either case. For the Boss, most of the games have the option to play alongside another player. There is a case of the series acknowledging co-op as existing in the story, specifically in a mission in the 4th game where the Boss ends up fighting simulated versions of themself from the first 2 games. When the SR2 Boss comes in, they’re as a pair. with Kinzie directly stating this is meant to be the co-op player, implying this is a canon part of the series. However, this is the one case of Co-Op being acknowledged in the series, as otherwise the story is completely unchanged if you’re playing in co-op with Boss being treated as just one guy, so it’s far more consistent to say the Boss is just canonically meant to be one dude, and the above instance could simply be a case of their 4th wall awareness showing they know of the option, not that it’s canonically something they did.
As for the New Kid, Snow Day is a game designed for up to 4 players to cooperate during battles, and when you’re playing in single player it allows you to summon 3 other computer controlled versions of the New Kid in battles, who are equipped with their own versions of the New Kid’s abilities. However, in this case we have a direct explanation where it’s established that canonically only one of the players is meant to be the main New Kid, while the others are just random kids in the neighborhood. That makes it hard to really justify giving them their own versions of the New Kid’s abilities from prior games, and as such they’d only be giving doubles of their capabilities in this game, so they wouldn’t get a lot of the New Kid’s more notable options. There’s also the PvP matches in Phone Destroyer where you can fight other players, but there’s no way to team up with or summon them in battle on top of there not really being an explanation for how it works canonically, so it doesn’t really add anything.
Scaling the Simulation
As you know, Saints Row IV upped the series to new heights of absurdity by giving the Boss permanent super powers, which they were able to do because much of the game takes place inside a simulation. You might assume that’d be an issue for them in VS, but as previously mentioned, the Iron Saint armor gave them full access to all of these abilities in the real world. Given the armor’s abilities are functionally identical to the simulation powers from a gameplay perspective, as well as the fact other Zin troops that were shown to have similar powers in real life, including the Wardens the Boss gets their powers by absorbing the data of, it is a pretty fair assumption to say their abilities in the armor can be treated as identical to how they are in the simulation. Where things get a bit more complicated is when it comes to translating other elements from the simulation to real life.
Now there are a couple abilities done in the simulation that are explicitly tied to the idea of it being a simulation, most notably in how there’s reality warping stuff the masters of it can get up to. But as these abilities are explicitly tied to the manipulation of the simulation’s data, there’s not much reason to assume they carry over to their real life capabilities. There’s also a lot of homies in the simulation I didn’t bring up, but given they’re all AI versions of canonically dead characters, many of whom are enemies of the Saints who would have no reason to ally with them even if they were alive, there’s not much reason for them to be on the table for the discussion either. Finally, there’s not really a good way to argue the fight could naturally be brought into the simulation, as they don’t have any kind of easy way to send others into it from reality. The only way to bring foes into it that we’ve seen is to knock them out and plug them in. But if the Saints did manage to incapacitate several members of their opposition, they would have no reason to do something as complicated as plug them into a virtual reality simulation where they could still conceivably fight back in or escape from instead of just killing them while they’re helpless.
The biggest question brought up by the simulation scaling is how to quantify control over it power wise, as the Boss is definitely meant to be significantly stronger with their superpowers than without them, which you can see with their fights with Zinyak, as they went from getting easily ragdolled by him without these powers to beating him up to the point of forcing him to retreat to get power armor with them. The big stumbling point from here is that in the standard game no one really fights a being in complete control of it directly, as Zinyak isn’t directly fought while within it and once the Boss is the master of it there’s not really anyone to fight them. But that’s where the power of downloadable content comes in clutch, as the Dominatrix is an AI within the simulation who is able to affect everything within it. And we can see in the main game that control over these simulations means the creation of everything within them. As the Boss was able to defeat her in combat while within it, they should scale to her, and by proxy, her control of the simulation, as by her nature as an AI within the simulation of data she should be able to scale to her effects on it. From there, the most notable feat people can do while in control of the simulation is to affect its weather, and since the simulation had to create everything within itself, that logically should include said weather, meaning those in control of it can scale to being able to make these storms. And yes, this is something the Dominatrix was shown to be able to affect during her boss fight, so she can scale to being able to do it.
Another big feat involves the Black Hole Gun. Now the black hole itself does follow a lot of the rules regarding them, as it’s referred to as making singularities specifically in the weapon description, it seems to spaghettify those who get close, and nothing can escape being sucked up by it. While it not sucking up the surrounding environment might raise some eyebrows, that can just be hand waved to be a result of gameplay limitations, as the game is not able to portray that level of environmental destruction. The real issue is that there’s not much reason to directly scale anyone to the creation if it, as it’s only possible via using this specific weapon, no one in control of the simulation ever does anything that would otherwise imply cosmic creation strength, and it’s a weapon only used in the simulation meaning IRL Boss doesn’t have access to it. However, as the Boss and stronger enemies are able to survive getting exposed to it themself, it’s likely they can scale to the durability needed to survive its gravity.
There are a few other points worth bringing up involving this topic. First off, as interesting as it might be, there’s not much reason to assume the simulations are universes or have starry skies, so no this is not going to turn into another goddamn cosmology section. You could also argue about how there’s potentially far more simulations than the main Steelport one and therefore we can multiple this value, but not only are none of the ones we see anywhere near the size of Virtual Steelport, there also isn’t anything to really support the idea of control over multiple simulations being additive in the first place. Finally, I wasn’t able to find any feats implying high levels of processing speed that could scale back to the Boss, so if you’re expecting absurdly high numbers you’re dealing with the wrong simulated universe.
Enter the Dominatrix? But I hardly know ‘er!
This DLC is pretty damn weird even by the standards of Saints Row, and for VS purposes there is a lot in it that can quickly muddle the conversation. For starters, the main crux of the DLC is that it is presented as if it’s an actual scrapped DLC that the characters are giving commentary over. That does mean it’s in a bit of a weird spot canon wise, but given the events of the DLC are meant to be an alternate divergence from the events of SR3 into SR4 in which the Boss’ abilities are treated as functionally identical to their canon moveset, I feel it’s reasonable enough to include stuff from it, as their physical capabilities aren’t different enough to say feats from it are off the table for scaling. And as previously mentioned, the Dominatrix’s power is in line with what those in control of the simulation in the main game can do, so scaling them to her is fine. Beyond that, though, there are a couple points brought by it that need to be addressed.
There are a couple instances of the characters indicating they have some control of the plot of the DLC, such as Kinzie claiming to have adjusted the script by blackmailing the writers or Pierce fast forwarding through dialogue he found boring. This could arguably be seen as a form of plot manipulation, but I don’t really think that’s fair to include. The commentary from the characters throughout the DLC is treated more as if they’re animated actors, like the Pixar bloopers. And like those, in no other media in the series is there ever any implication of the “main” characters being these kinds of meta characters, it’s more consistently depicted them as just having a vague awareness of the 4th wall at best. And while the events within the DLC are meant to be an alternate branching off point of the end of the third game, the versions of the characters giving the commentary don’t really have anything like that excusing them. So it’d be more fair to treat the commentary sections of the DLC as if it’s meant to be an actual commentary track by their voice actors, not as if it’s the in-universe characters giving it. Yeah, I know it’s confusing, but like I said, the DLC is fucking weird.
Another notable point I’ve seen some people claim is that it would give the Boss a resistance to time manipulation, which would naturally be a bit useful considering some of the capabilities of their competition here. However, I don’t agree with this interpretation. The scene in question here was when the Dominatrix seemingly reset the events of the DLC to the start, in which the Boss was unaffected. As mentioned, I do think this is a good demonstration of the Boss resisting their memories being affected. But the interpretation that she is literally rewinding time doesn’t really make much sense, given the start of the DLC was before they got dragged into the simulation where she resides. This suggests that this is simply an illusion of the start of the events made to disorient them within the simulation. This is pretty evident given the presence of Zimos, who was not there at the start in the original and wasn’t met until they were in the simulation, and in how the fight immediately goes back to the simulated streets. And this can even be seen in the group’s attire. Notice how Kinzie and Shaundi are dressed in their simulated Super Homie outfits in the fake version, as opposed to their more casual gear from the original scene in the real world.
Gat Out Of Hell and Satan Scaling
Johnny Gat’s adventure through Hell ultimately culminates in him taking on Satan and defeating him, meaning he and also Kinzie should scale to him. That part is pretty cut and dry, but there are a couple notes with the scaling beyond that. First off, as mentioned, there isn’t really anything to go on in terms of how exactly the Arcane Powers and the Simulation Powers compare in terms of power. While they are pretty similar on a gameplay level, there’s not any comments from any source I could find on if they’re meant to be comparable in strength in universe, and the fact they come from completely different sources means just assuming they’re comparable isn’t really valid. So I feel this is scaling that just applies to Johnny and Kinzie.
Beyond that, I feel like I need to cover the context for the numbers I brought up. While Satan doesn’t directly do much of note while on screen, within the lore brought by the audio files he mentions doing some impressive things in the past. While these files are made by him and are clearly treated partly as him bragging, there’s not much reason to assume the information he gives in them is inaccurate. Most notably, the feat of him fracturing the island is fair to consider true, as the area is laid out in a way where it makes sense for it to have been caused by such a fracture, so I do feel it’s fair to take these at face value. The most impressive numbers you could give for him is from his transformation of Old Hades into the new one. While it’s a bit vague exactly how long it took him to make it like this, his wording implies it wasn’t a slow process and was one he was rather violent in, which means it’s reasonable to assume it can be attributed to his direct power. Additionally, these lore logs are meant to be for the use of any soul in Hell, not just the ones in this one city, so it makes sense for him to be referring to Hell in general with this statement. The best feat attributable to him from this statement would be the creation of the mountain range in the background, which can get him into the Large Island tier, as violently blasting that large of a mountain range would require a lot of power. And it’s not too big of a jump compared to the high ends of the simulation, and as it narratively makes sense to treat Satan as the biggest threat the Saints faced, I feel it’s reasonable to place him with these numbers.
There is also the argument that Lucifer can get higher in scale than this, but I feel those are stretching too far. For one thing, while there is a Hell outside of the city, we don’t really get any idea of how big it is beyond that, meaning there’s not much reason to scale his creation feat much higher without entering the nebulous zone of the head canon. You could also arguably scale him to the Saints Row version of God, as his goal was to wage war on Heaven and this version of him has some impressive universal scaling, being able to retcon the whole universe and arguably others. However, there’s not much reason to directly scale Satan to him, as he gets beaten up by the Saints before he has the chance to actually wage war, and in one ending it’s even directly stated he could easily defeat him. Also I already feel like making this blog is pushing my luck at getting into the pearly gates when I die so I am not going to commit any more blasphemy by scaling an actual version of God.
The final thing to bring up here would be the fact that Gat Out of Hell ends on the choice between 5 endings, of which there’s not really a clear canon choice due to later games shifting continuities. Though that might seem confusing, for the purposes of this blog most of these endings aren’t really going to be changing much. The first isn’t really valid given it ends with Gat going to heaven to be reunited with Aisha to not be reunited with the Saints. The second, ends with Gat becoming the King of Hell, but similarly it also has the implication he doesn’t reunite with the Saints and it’s not clear if he gained any of Satan’s other powers in this ending. The third has Gat wish for the Saints to find a planet to settle on, and while it is mentioned they’re in for a fight, it ends before we can see any of it so not much new to be brought up by it. The last one has Gat gain all the answers to the questions of the universe, but we have no idea what that knowledge brings and he also isn’t seen reuniting with the Saints in this ending either.
The most interesting of these endings is the fourth one, which is the aforementioned retcon of the universe ending. This is mainly because it’s meant to lead into Agents of Mayhem, a spinoff game in a separate continuity with the characters all having pretty different stories. Now if any of these endings are meant to be the “official ending”, I’d imagine this has the best case for that, given it directly leads into the next game in the series, even if it is just a spinoff. However, treating it like that doesn’t really add anything to the discussion here. While this world’s Gat is a playable character, and he even has a line implying he still remembers the original canon to an extent, he also clearly states it’s from a different life, and this version of Johnny has far too different a history to really justify trying to composite Main!Johnny with him. For the purposes of this blog, I’m treating the “find planet” ending as the canon one, since it’s the only one that would allow for Johnny to get involved in the fight and (personally speaking) it feels like the most fitting ending for the original continuity narratively.
Aren’t the South Park games just the kids playing?
A common point I’ve seen brought up a lot when discussing the South Park games is the question of how much of them is meant to be “real” and how much is just the kids imagining stuff. Now this is a valid point to bring up, as in all the games the characters do act like the various gamey things they do are actual things they’re doing to play along, with them explaining game mechanics, actively questioning if it’s their turn, and generally speaking as if the games are just a LARP thing. Kenny even directly states that he's the only one of the Boys to have genuine super powers due to his revival stuff. This all does pretty clearly indicate there is a level of kayfabe going on with the games. And there are quite a few abilities shown which are clearly meant to be part of the game, most notable with how Mitch Connor’s cheating during his boss fights is clearly meant to just be him cheating in the game and not literally changing the rules of reality.
However, I don’t think that’s enough reason to discount all of the stuff you see in the games as just make believe. First off, that’d make discussing them a lot lamer, and New Kid especially would have far less to discuss if you went under that logic. But beyond that, there is the more obvious note of how the games have the characters be put in plenty of situations where their powers are still working on enemies who would have no reason to participate in the game, as you can have fights against wild animals, government agents, assassins specifically hired to kill you, and aliens from other worlds entirely, to name some examples. There’s also plenty of high pressure situations where the stakes are clearly treated as serious, but they don’t drop the power act in spite of that. These instances do also show that these powers can deal actual damage to foes as if they are real. And there’s never been any implication of them having Ichiban-style subjective reality imaginations, so the simple solution is that yes, these abilities are indeed for real.
But wouldn’t that be breaking the idea of these games being canon? Uh, no? While the boys usually don’t show this kind of thing off in the show, South Park is far from a super grounded series where they have to stay physically normal humans, as many characters have done plenty of weird and wacky stuff in basically every single episode. I could bring up examples but there are genuinely so many that you can just pick any episode at random and see that for yourself. Even putting that aside, the idea of the boys suddenly having supernatural powers that they never bring up before or again is hardly unbelievable in the context of the show. Sure, there are episodes that rather famously depict this kind of stuff as just imaginary, but there are plenty of cases of these abilities being treated as real, such as Cartman’s toonforce trolling of Osama Bin Laden, Kyle seemingly having real psychic powers, or Craig having laser eyes from an Incan prophecy. So arguing that the games aren’t valid to include because it’s inconsistent with the show isn’t really a good argument, since South Park is blatantly not a series that is super focused on consistency in the first place.
That Time Cartman Screamed Really Fucking Loud
If you know of South Park scaling, you are probably aware of this feat, where Cartman screams loud enough to be heard on planets in a separate galaxy. This feat can get to star level if you take it literally, but I feel there are a few issues in doing that. For one thing, a big factor for feats of this nature being valid that I’ve seen some ignore is whether or not the sound waves actually make some kind of physical effect on the world, as that’s basically the logic behind how feats like this can get such high numbers from the sound waves being potent enough to affect things. However, in this instance, there’s not any physical effect on anything from his scream. No earth shaking, no glass breaking, not even the people standing right next to him getting knocked over or something. This shows that the scream being this loud is more because toon force is carrying it longer than it should rather than the sound itself being powerful, and as such this isn’t a feat that should correlate to Cartman’s physical power. Beyond that, it’s also not something he does on command, it’s as a reaction to getting hurt, and he’s not been shown to have sound based abilities anywhere else, so it’s not like Cartman could or would directly weaponise this anyways.
Also, while the sound waves from this feat would technically be massively faster than light, there’s no reason to scale anyone to the waves directly in terms of reactions. Just reacting to a sound that reaches you does not mean you can react as fast as the sound waves of that sound, as those waves hitting your ears and getting processed to your brain is how you can hear it in the first place. To react faster than sound waves in this way, you’d need to react before the waves, and therefore the sound, reaches you, which no one does in this instance. I can’t believe I have to break that down, but I have seen some people unironically cite that kind of thing for speed feats and it is just wrong, as by that logic, literally everyone on Earth who is not deaf automatically has Mach 1 reactions.
Imaginationland Scaling
Another notable instance from the series which could imply cosmic strength comes from the Imaginationland trilogy of episodes. These center around the titular imaginary world, which consists of all fictional characters and ends up coming under threat thanks to terrorists, with the boys wrapped up in the effort to save it. At the end of these episodes, the land ends up getting nuked, but Butters survives the blast and ends up recreating the whole world and everyone in it with the power of his imagination. This could be seen as a blatant universal feat at first glance, but there are several issues with getting to that point once you break it down further.
First off, there’s not really much of a good way to judge how big Imaginationland actually is. While the South Park wiki does claim it’s an entire dimension and it is definitely an alternate realm of sorts, I wasn’t able to find anything suggesting it’s meant to be a literal universe sized place. There’s no use of “universe”, “realm”, “dimension”, or any similar language to describe Imaginationland itself at any point in any of the episodes, nor was I able to see any mention of that language in out of universe material like episode descriptions, interviews, commentary, or the like. The episodes also stay within a single connected landmass with there being no real implication of other planets or the like, and while there are a couple stars, the lack of any night scenes makes it hard to apply the logic of there even being an entire starry sky. Even putting that aside, the fact the government used what was treated as just any other nuke makes it questionable to assume the blast would also be wiping out other planets or stars, since the government’s main goal was to wipe out everyone in said singular landmass, so it’s a bit of a stretch so assume the blast was innately cosmic when it was not established to be a special universal bomb or anything like that.
And no, just because there are fictional characters like Goku and Superman present does not mean he upscales these characters, as the fictional characters present here are all unofficial versions that don’t show any of the abilities or strength of their canon selves. For an idea of all the examples of this, go to this page and scroll down to the section on The Worf Effect. Also, while characters like Jesus and ManBearPig among the imaginary characters who were seemingly killed which suggests this blast, and therefore Butters, should upscale them further, these are meant to be separate characters to the “real” versions of them who similarly lack abilities done by their canon counterparts. While ManBearPig wouldn’t be established as a real figure for about a decade after these episodes, Jesus at the time was very much meant to be a real person in the standard South Park world and we do directly see people are able to make fake versions of real people with Cartman making doubles of himself and Kyle, so there is a precedent for there being separate versions of characters within Imaginationland. It’s likely Jesus is there as a bit of commentary on real life anti-religious groups who question whether or not Jesus was a real person, but this is going on a potentially contentious tangent so let’s get back to the point.
Even putting aside the issue of how strong this blast is, the other big issue is that it’s pretty questionable to assume it’s something Butters can just scale to normally. A big point of Butters being the big hero of the episode was from him being a real person who could use his imagination to imagine things into existence while in Imaginationland, as well as affect things in it. This is important, as there were several other real people in the nuking, that being Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and a bunch of government guys, who weren’t seen in the void or onscreen until after Butters remade everything, implying they also died and ended up getting brought back by Butters. That already is a bit of an issue for this scaling being valid given several characters who are normally on par with Butters explicitly didn’t survive the very same blast, which is a pretty big knock against the idea of anyone else scaling to this, and that brings me to the final point. Butters was also seen creating barriers for himself while using those powers, which when combined with the other boys’ lack of survival, suggests that his survival of the blast was because of his imagination powers protecting him, rather than his own innate durability. This is a pretty important distinction since the ending of the event clearly shows that he can’t use these powers outside of Imaginationland. As such, even if you were to treat this as a universal feat, there’s not much reason to scale anyone to it unless the battle is somehow taken into Imaginationland. And considering no one has tried doing something like that in the middle of a fight and it’s only possible to go there by singing a song which was implied to take a while, the battle being brought there is not likely to be a major factor in this debate.
TLDR: Butters did survive a blast that blew up Imaginationland, but between the land’s vague size and the nuke in question not being established as anything particularly powerful, there’s not much reason to assume the blast itself was innately cosmic. Even if it was, Butters only survived the blast thanks to his imagination powers protecting him, and since these powers can’t be used outside of the land, there’s not much reason to assume he can normally scale to this blast.
New Kid can rotate the Earth???
Another potentially powerful argument for South Park stats actually comes from the games more directly. Near the end of Fractured but Whole, New Kid ends up unlocking the Shift Time Fart, which is able to accelerate time to go between day and night. Rather notably, the animation for the super acceleration done when defeating Mutant Cousin Kyle depicts the moon and sun as blurs going through the sky, which could imply that Butthole is accelerating time by rotating the entire earth when doing this. This is backed up by a comment from Dr Mephisto in which he directly describes the move as doing that. Certainly seems impressive at first glance, and this has been calculated to being planet to star level. However, treating this as that kind of feat is fairly questionable, as I feel it’s more likely the blurring of the sun and moon is just a visual effect for time passing by really fast.
First off, the idea of this fart causing the earth to be rotated is pretty inconsistent in the context of the wider game. For one, all of the other Time Farts New Kid uses are explicitly meant to be affecting time directly, not shifting time indirectly by affecting the whole world. The first Time Fart you get involves doing the direct opposite of Shift by rewinding time, and yet there’s no similar statement of it rotating the earth backwards, it’s pretty clearly just moving back time on specific objects, so it would be a bit arbitrary to treat Shift like this as that would make it the only Time Fart that affects the world in such a way. Additionally, the depiction of Shift’s effects on the world don’t really suggest it’s actually moving back in time by rotating the Earth, given it was shown later than time still seemed to have passed normally to those not in the lab. Sure, most of the adults in town were high out of their minds at the time and therefore could have simply just not noticed, but Cartman/Connor being successfully sworn in as mayor implies he had to have had some time to set up. Given the acceleration caused by finishing off Cousin Kyle only lasted a couple seconds from the perspective of those in range of it, there simply would not have been enough time for an election to have been counted, a new mayor gotten sworn in, and the whole barricade being set up if time had not been moving normally, which it would not have been if the entire earth had been forcibly rotated. And the fact New Kid and the other heroes were still physically on the planet and yet were not fast forwarded also knocks against that being its effects, as if the entire planet was sent ahead via rotation there’s no logical reason for everyone but them to have been fast forwarded.
Additionally, Dr Mephisto’s statement isn’t exactly free of scrutiny. For starters, the game doesn’t really treat him as a reliable source, given a major running gag during the preceding section though the lab was Craig directly pointing out his various actions and explanations as being incredibly stupid. Secondly, there isn’t really a good way he could accurately have known this is how the move is functioning, as the lab had lost power and he lacked any good way to reach out to the outside world, and this fart even existing was something he only could have just learned about that night. Thirdly, this statement is the only one that really supports this conclusion, as all other statements describing the event in the game lean more to the interpretation that this was just a feat of time travel. The most notable example of this would be with Morgan Freeman. In the world of South Park, he’s a guy who had been established as accurately knowing things he’d have no natural way of learning both in the show and the previous game, as well as being the one who taught New Kid the time farts in the first place. And he directly describes this event as a time shift anomaly, not anything to do with worldwide effects, which is clearly implying that he thought it was just affecting time and not the planet.
Finally, it’s also worth noting that this fart accelerating time is only possible due to the New Kid farting into an air conditioning unit, as they are unable to use the fart outside of the two areas in the lab with those units. That already hurts the idea of them doing it in a neutral ground fight like this, but it’s also worth noting that the way Morgan Freeman describes the activation of it indicates the fart accelerating time is due to the fart doing a specific chain reaction in the AC’s machinery, which he also directly describes as enhancing the effectiveness of it. This means that even if they were genuinely rotating the earth, there isn’t much reason to assume the New Kid should scale to the full force of it, as this is not something that they are able to do of their own power.
TLDR: This being treated as them rotating the earth is pretty inconsistent with the rest of the game both mechanically and narratively, Mephisto’s statement is hard to treat as reliable and is directly contradicted by others, and the fact it’s only done through a chain reaction with a nonstandard environmental element means directly scaling New Kid to the feat isn’t valid in the first place.
Other Questionable Cosmic South Park Scaling
This will be a more rapid fire section, as there are some other feats I’ve seen people cite to put South Park at cosmic levels that are so easy to discount as valid that they don’t really warrant having separate sections.
There have been two notable instances of HP Lovecraft deities in South Park. While there is the obvious issue in these being South Park original versions of these characters who don’t have much to suggest they’re cosmic in strength like their original counterparts, the bigger issue is that in both cases, no one can really be argued to scale to them in the first place.
Cthulhu shows up in the Coon Friends trilogy, in which BP’s oil drilling leads to him being unleashed from his slumber on the world. While Cartman does manage to manipulate him enough to guide his actions, Cthullu doesn’t directly fight any of the boys, as he just sends them to his home dimension instantly. The idea of confronting him head on is also treated as hopeless narratively, and while Mysterion does attempt to fight him, it wasn’t really implied that he could actually win. Finally, while Mintberry Crunch does beat him in the end by resealing him in the ocean, he also never ends up taking any direct hits from him, and his appearance in FBW showing he has the ability to completely immunize himself from damage does make it questionable to directly scale him in terms of power to Cutuh- Cuh- Cuh- Cutuh- Cuz- fuck it!
Shub-Niggurath acts as a boss in Fractured but Whole, as it reveals the reason the South Park police are so racist is because they were sacrificing black people to her. While you do kill her in this boss fight, said fight is not based around directly overpowering her, but by taking advantage of a South Park original weakness, which is feeding her white people and causing her to be damaged. Additionally, while she can directly attack your party, attacks from her will one shot everyone on the field if they end up in range of them, which means it’s not possible to downscale anyone to her either.
In one episode, Kyle ends up merging with all of reality. However, he only ended up like this because he was having an existential crisis of faith at the time so it’s not a go to option in the middle of a fight, he did not seem to be able to physically interact with anything in this state so there’s no evidence this form could be at all VS relevant, and he almost immediately reverted from it so it’s not really a form that could last long enough to matter anyways.
The Coon has a cube in his base that can blow up the galaxy, but literally everyone rather blatantly dies to the blast if New Kid knocks it over, so there’s no reason to assume anyone scales to it. And since Cartman directly warns against setting it off he likely wouldn’t directly weaponize it, especially since he would also die from it.
MFTL South Park?
While there are a plethora of higher than light speed arguments for South Park that I’ve seen, a decent chunk of them aren’t really that valid. There are mainly from several cases of spaceships which are able to travel cosmic distances, but in most cases there’s not much reason to scale the characters piloting them to their speeds, as there’s never really a case where the pilots have to react to the full speed of their ships. Most notably, there is the Starvin Martin in Space episode, in which the boys end up in a spaceship that goes to another planet. But not only do they not directly react at the ship’s full speed at any point due to it having a form of autopilot, the fact they only end up on said planet due to going through a wormhole the ship created means there’s no solid reason to say the ship has MFTL speeds they could scale to by flying it in the first place.
I’m also not sure how much of this next bit is a joke argument, but remember when I mentioned that the characters can acknowledge when the game isn’t downloaded? Yeah, that’s an option for if you download the game and try to get started before it’s finished downloading. Since New Kid is directly described as going to the edge of the universe, you could maybe make a funny argument that this is MFTL walking. But there’s not much genuine weight to that idea, as this is clearly just meant to be a meta joke on the game not letting you go outside of the area it’s downloaded. As such there’s no reason to treat this like a universe crossing feat of speed. Again, I don’t know if that was just a joke argument, but you never know in this community sometimes.
All that said, there is an MFTL feat that I feel is good to compare to thanks to Mintberry Crunch, which I feel like I need to fully explain the context of. At the start of the Bring the Crunch DLC, Jimmy sends out a distress call for people to help save his Summer Camp, and this distress call ends up summoning the alien hero, who was on his home planet. First off, Mintberry Crunch being an actual alien was already established in the show, and the hero’s last appearance was flying off into space, so this isn’t just a bit of kayfabe, Bradley is canonically an alien from another world. This also isn’t really an outlier moment for him, as he is seen flying far cosmic distances at the end of the Coon Friends trilogy and in the ending of the DLC, along with the alien stating he had been actively traveling around the galaxy offscreen.
With that established, let’s go over the logic for the numbers of the feat itself. For the time frame, the distress call in question is received in the standard overworld of South Park, where things are a clear day, and the bus ride takes long enough that it’s late evening by the time New Kid gets to the camp. This implies the journey took a couple hours, which is the timeframe MC would also need to take. As for the distance, it is definitely from a different star system, as at one point he states his home planet has multiple suns. Conveniently, the closest known star system to Earth would also fit this detail, as Alpha Centauri has three stars and multiple planets that scientists have found could support life, so it’s pretty reasonable to use it here. With all that established, this feat would clock in at 6136.307 c, which is over 6000 times faster than light. And keep in mind this is a calc I was fairly conservative on the numbers with. You could easily push this even faster by assuming the journey was over a shorter time frame or using a star system that’s further away.
But can anyone scale to him here? After all, the episode where he had his powers revealed treated him as way above everyone, and in the DLC itself he states that he had been weakened from the effort of going that far. Well, for one thing, he’s also a unit in Phone Destroyer who can be defeated by anyone, and has no stated nerfs as a unit there. There’s also the general upscaling done by characters like ManBearPig and Satan, who have both been stated to be some of the strongest beings in the universe and over any mortals, meaning they should be stronger than or at least comparable to him. Finally, while MC crashing to the planet could imply this is just a travel speed feat and therefore is inapplicable to his reactions, Jimmy, Butters, and the New Kid all react to this same flight as it’s coming to earth and got out of the way of his crash landing, showing they can react to the speed of his flight themselves. So yes, I do think there is an argument that this is a valid feat to scale people to. Though it’s not exactly the fastest feat I found…
Mr Slave has infinite speed??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
…yeah, it’s this feat. I could have maybe put it down as debatable, but that would imply there’s something to contend with on this feat, and there really isn’t. I feel this is about as blatant as you can get, as he pretty directly is in two physical places at once and is never implied to be able to duplicate himself anywhere else in the series. Additionally, the fact you get an achievement for doing this means this being possible is an intended element of the game, and as such you can’t write it off as an oversight like a glitch. So yeah this counts as an infinite speed feat. You could maybe argue it’s a gag outlier given there are no other cases of this kind of speed in the series from my research, but that would be lame and boring. However, I also recognise the idea of using this feat in the first place would probably be something most people will just not want to support inherently due to what it’s a feat for, and it wouldn’t really change the result here to include it. So the conclusion won’t be totally relying on it.
Cool Art Section
Verdict
This is a match I actually came up with myself years ago, and I am very much into the idea of it. For one thing, all the Saints Row games I’ve played I think are very fun, with the series being one of my favorite open world series, and the South Park games are pretty good ones that got me into watching the show, which I also like in spite of the episodes that aged badly. But beyond that, this is a match that I think just feels like the most fitting idea you could do for either of them. For the New Kid, I’m not really a huge fan of quite a few of their ideas, since a lot of them tend to just go for “customizable characters”, and while that’s also the big point here, I think there being more than just that makes it more appealing that putting them against a Mii or the Sonic Forces OC. I’ve also seen plenty of other South Park matches get put down due to them involving far less mature series than South Park to the point of having a weird disconnect, such as Cartman vs Bart or Porky, but Saints Row is a series that can match that side of South Park very well. As for the Boss, while their spread is one I’m more ambivalent on, I’m also not a huge fan of a lot of them since they tend to just boil them down to “wacky sandbox guy”, and I feel like they have way more than what guys like the Postal Dude or any of the GTA protagonists could really keep up with, especially once you start bringing in SR4 stuff. But New Kid having so many weird super powers means they can bounce off that absurdity really well.
While researching this I also noticed a bit of an interesting contrast between these two. The Boss’ characterization in the original Saints Row is actually pretty comparable to the New Kid, as in that game they’re a mostly silent protagonist that ends up blindly following along with what others want them to do, until they end up getting betrayed by those they thought they could trust and left for dead. However, the Boss went on to diverge from this characterization in their later games, as from SR2 onwards they were a lot more talkative and was the one actively leading their operations, making their own calls on their goals, and not letting themselves to get pushed around, unlike the New Kid, who stayed as the more passive participant in their later games. So you could say this is kind of like the Boss is fighting their younger self in a way.
Admittedly, there is a bit of a stumbling block I have cited in the past with this match in the fact that there would be a bit of a jarring contrast in art style, since South Park was famously a series that hasn’t worked well when brought to the third dimension, and more standard sprites would inherently look very awkward next to South Park’s art style. However, after I made those comments, Snow Day was released, and regardless of your opinion of the game as a whole, I do think it was a pretty good demonstration in showing how South Park in 3D can still be pretty workable. It might still look a bit weird to have them fight a more realistically proportioned human, but I think it’d be more than good enough to base a short fight animation around. Or just do it hand drawn, that could be cool as well. And I think there’s a lot of animation potential to be had here, with all their weird powers and weapons giving a lot they could bounce off each other with. Sure, banter would be that Tighten meme if you focused just on these two on their own, but the idea of all of the characters from both of these series meeting feels like it would be more than enough to make up for that. And I think this could lead to a very chaotic battle with a lot from both bouncing off each other.
But that’s enough selling on the match. The focus here is on who would win if these guys fought, and that is what I am planning to go over now.
Stats
In terms of power, at the low end, both did have plenty of notable feats from the wall to building range. Though there isn’t much question that Base Boss was well below the New Kid’s heights. The best feat they could realistically scale to without the aid of the armor was surviving their fall from an ICBM, which came in at 548.283 Tons of TNT at the highest. Certainly impressive, but even the New Kid’s direct feats like farting on Kenny’s balls or tanking their past self’s meteors comfortably exceeded this range. However, Playa can more than keep up once they don the Iron Saint armor, as it can compare to a lot of the town to city scaling South Park boasts, and at their highest could even compete with the best feats of South Park. To directly compare the two’s best scaling, the New Kid could scale to Mr Hankey’s blizzard creation at 3.656 Gigatons and the boys tanking an explosion visible from orbit at 4.083 Gigatons, putting them in the high end of the Large Mountain tier. But the Boss could claim higher numbers than this, as being in range of the Black Hole Launcher exceeded this at the high end of 5.589 Gigatons, and taking on the masters of the Simulation meant the Boss could scale to their weather shifting, which was at 8.232 Gigatons at their peak, making them Island level and a little over twice as strong as Sir Douchebag. New Kid did have arguments for upscaling their own feats, but not by enough to really argue they should be significantly stronger. As such, the discussion of power for the commanders was about equal.
Though the Boss also had access to a few options way above their own strength. Most prevalently, there was Johnny and Kinzie scaling to Satan, whose feat of creating a mountain range at 153.568 - 476.283 Gigatons was 37 - 116 times stronger than the New Kid’s scaling. As previously mentioned, there’s not really much reason to scale the Boss to this feat, but that still means Johnny and Kinzie could prove to be a good deal stronger than most others on the field. And of course there was the Zin’s planet busting cannons. These could clock in at 7.122 Yottatons, which was only a marginal 1.7 quadrillion times stronger than anything Team South Park could reasonably scale to. Yeah, no use sugarcoating it, they’d definitely fucking die to it. But similarly, there’s not really any reason to assume any member of the Saints could scale to this cannon’s power personally, meaning that while it was a very potent trump card they could bust out, it’s also one that could eliminate them as well if misused.
As for speed, both had plenty of scaling to bullet timing at the low end, meaning both could easily outpace any of either team’s gunplay. The Boss did have impressive movement speeds thanks to Super Sprint being as fast as bullets, which clocked in at Mach 2.43, but the New Kid could surpass that thanks to their trip across Canada, which could clock anywhere from slightly faster at Mach 3.614 to almost 600 times faster at Mach 1445.644. The Boss did have arguments for faster reaction speeds than this thanks to scaling to various light speed projectiles which could put them in the relativistic range, but New Kid could also match these ends thanks to dealing with their own light speed projectiles, as well as scaling to their allies who are able to directly move at relativistic speeds.
The Boss’s best potential speed feat was from being able to pilot their ship, which have been shown to be able to fly at up to 1.65 times the speed of light. Though scaling to this full speed is a bit questionable, given the ship’s movement was done offscreen while the Saints were busy with other stuff. That’s before mentioning how scaling them to this speed is directly contradicted by the in-game speedometer for the section where they fly it, which directly shows that the ship was far slower while Boss was flying it than the one flying to the sun. But even if you ignore those issues, the New Kid blew this value out of the water thanks to scaling to Mintberry Crunch, whose feat of coming from his home planet at 6136.307 times the speed of light was over 3000 times faster than the ship. And there wasn’t as much to contend with on this feat in my opinion, given New Kid is more directly reacting to this flight speed themself. Even if you ignore both of these feats to leave them at similar relativistic speeds, the New Kid being the only one of the two that has options to buff their speed meant they’d end up taking the edge easily. And of course you used Mr Slave’s feat, then the Boss has no shot in this category at all as they lacked any infinite speed ends. As such, the speed category was pretty comfortably on the side of Team Douchebag.
Arsenal, Abilities, and Allies
Both of them have a lot of potential options to go over here. Starting off with the arsenal, both did have a lot of bullshit to cover. As you might expect, the New Kid did have the edge in terms of melee weapons, having generally more variety and effects with them. However, the Boss definitely dwarfed them in ranged firepower, as the New Kid’s selection of bows and throwing weapons paled next to the sheer amount of guns and explosives the Boss was packing. This did give them a clear edge in sheer firepower, especially once their selections of tanks and gunships started getting involved, which meant they would be able to quickly dominate the battlefield with a bunch of explosions and shit. On the other hand, the New Kid had far better options for defense. Not only did their hundreds of healing items utterly dwarf the 4 that the Boss could carry in, they also had far more varied options for defense, with plenty of options for giving themself armors and shields, as well as a lot of options for buffs and positive status effects. While the Boss could match some of this, as the 40oz and Shock Paddles gave them a method to revive themselves and allies, their options for lifesteal matched New Kid’s similar options, and they had a slight innate regeneration, there really wasn’t much question that the New Kid had a clear edge over them.
There were some more specific points to bring up with this category. New Kid did have access to a hacking device, but Boss had options for both better hackers in Kinzie and Matt along with more combat relevant hacking capabilities in the RC Possessor, which they could use to keep the vehicle combat going without needing to risk themselves getting blown up inside them. There were also elements of the New Kid’s arsenal which would be pretty irrelevant, as the Probe was reliant on specific devices in the environment to teleport them and the tower would just make them a sitting duck. But the New Kid’s access to various status effects would also be particularly devastating. Not only do the damaging status effects like Bleed, Burning, and Grossed Out hit enemies through defenses, which could imply they could negate durability, but options like Sleep and Chilled would make them very vulnerable due to lacking any defense against those, and Pissed Off could make them unable to use their super powers for a time. Along with that, their perks would allow them to deal more damage to enemies afflicted with these, giving yet another way to buff their power.
Now onto abilities, and right off the bat the New Kid did have a clear edge in versatility. The Boss did have a lot to offer, but the New Kid could match all of these capabilities and then some. Both could attack with ice, fire, explosions, electricity, earth, and just standard punching. The Boss also had far superior mobility options, given their ability to run and basically fly about the battlefield, and they had some points that could give the New Kid a run for their money, as their immunity to fire, explosions, and gunfire did mean they could deny a lot of the New Kid’s more directly destructive techniques, and while the New Kid has some resistance to the cold, they’ve never had to deal with getting brought to Absolute Zero, meaning the Freeze Buff could be a major issue. But the New Kid had plenty of advantages here themself. Not only did they have access to attacking types the Boss didn’t have, such as using plants or chi, but they did have a very potent set of abilities in the Time Farts. Messing with time was something that the Boss didn’t really have any counter for, and that could essentially allow New Kid to instantly counter any deadly situations they happened to be put in. This feeds more into the aforementioned advantage the New Kid had defensively, as they had access to a lot of passive abilities which could help keep in the fight longer. They also had some more specific counters to the Boss’s options, as Power Bind could be used to negate the Boss’ powers for a time like the Suppression Grenades, their mutual resistance to mind control meant both of their options were null, and they could make up for the mobility disadvantage with their various ways to give the Boss the Slow status effect.
Of course, a big factor for both is that they’re able to summon a wide amount of their buddies to their side. And as mentioned both have methods to pretty instantly summon this help to their sides, so yeah I think it’s fair to say there’s more than just these two to worry about. Now right off the bat, the Boss definitely had an edge in sheer numbers and destructive ability, as they had an entire alien armada that they could call in, which would quickly be able to cause a lot of chaos on the battlefield with their variety of spaceships. But while that was a lot on paper, their lower number of notable combatants meant that the New Kid could quickly cut through the chaos with his own allies. This is because many of the prominent fighters of South Park have been shown to be on par with each other, meaning that it was far more likely for most of them to scale to the same place as the New Kid. On the other hand, a lot of the most basic Zin troops have been shown to be able to be taken out just with the Boss’s base capabilities without even needing the armor, which meant they would be way weaker and therefore way less of a threat than they look on paper. Speaking of that armor, that also bled into another issue, as while the Boss could outfit his allies with their own versions of the armor given it’s shown the Zin have multiple suits available, that would only give them the same capabilities of the Boss. The only Saints who would be bringing new stuff to the table would be Johnny and Kinzie thanks to their hell powers, which did offer a few more notable haxes to watch out for, but that would only be doing so much when Team South Park as a group tended to carry more unique abilities on average, meaning they could pull a far more versatile offense.
Another big point for the New Kid was that, much like them on their own, their team had a lot better options for defense and healing. Beyond the aforementioned edge in consumables, the New Kid had access to many units with fairly broken defensive options. Whether that be on hand methods for full heals with Moses, the ability to quickly drain health away thanks to Henrietta, Paladin Butters being able to revive the entire team, or Mintberry Crunch being able to completely immunize everyone from damage entirely. While some of these did require charging to be able to be unleashed, these charge meters were reliant on dealing damage to opponents, and thanks to the many Zin most on Team South Park could one shot, there would not be any shortage of energy needed for these meters. And they also had many options for buffing their own statistics while debuffing those of the Saints, which could help them keep pace in terms of AP and widen the gap in speed far more. And quite a few of the units could make a lot of the Boss’ options null, as Youth Pastor Craig could remove their ability to use abilities, Tupperware could be completely immune to anything that wasn’t direct attacks, Jimmy could debuff and prevent them from charging anything just by being around them, and Changeling Red could shapeshift into any of the Saints after beating them to turn their abilities against them. That’s also before mentioning perhaps the most surprisingly busted member of the New Kid’s allies.
While the Saints did possess plenty of methods of killing people, Kenny has shown to be able to come back from practically all of it thanks to his immortality. Whether that be gunfire, getting run over, crushed, ripped apart, slashed into pieces, blown up, electrocuted, even more extreme methods like his head exploding, his heart being removed, melting, his body getting completely destroyed, or getting petrified, none of that would be able to keep him down for good. And while he usually takes a bit to revive, he has demonstrated multiple methods to directly revive in the fight, most of which he’s shown directly in fights alongside the New Kid. As such, even if the rest of his team ended up downed, he could easily come back and revive them in short order, so he’d be able to be the unsung MVP of the battle. Now, Johnny and Kinzie’s Hell adventure did give the Saints methods which could potentially put him down in the Soul Blast and the Ark of the Covenant, as Kenny surprisingly has never been shown to have come back from an attack directly targeting his soul. However, not only would it be hard to keep track of him not dying amidst the chaos of a battle, the fact his deaths also erase themselves in the minds of most people after they happen meant the Saints who had easy access to those methods likely wouldn’t even realize that he needed to be put down with such a specific method in the first place, so the odds of them managing to successfully counter Kenny before getting overwhelmed was pretty slim. Sure, the Boss likely wouldn’t be affected, but between the chaos of the battle and their tendency to just shrug off weirdness, they might not be able to recognise that in time. And even if the Saints did take him out, his ability to reduce their attack to zero on death meant Johnny or Kinzie would be neutering themselves if they took him out, thereby leaving them very vulnerable to other units on the field, and as such Kenny would be removing one of the biggest direct threats from the Saints as a parting shot.
Speaking of removing threats, given their team’s big speed edge, the New Kid had access to quite a few options which they could easily use to subvert the Saint’s edge in durability and power to take them out. For starters, SoT gave them access to multiple weapons and techniques which could reduce or straight up ignore defenses, meaning those would be able to negate said edge in durability altogether. They had access to multiple abilities which could mind control opponents to their side, meaning they could cause any teamwork to break down rather easily. They had some options for haxes that could take out enemies very quickly, like shrinking them down to an easily killable size with the Gnome Dust, transmuting them into rats or chickens, or one shotting them with techniques like Final Vengeance. Their allies also had some haxier methods of winning, as the Boss couldn’t really counter getting sent to another dimension with Stan’s Portal Gun or being exposed to the horror of Mr Slave’s asshole. Finally, even if they were to get the upper hand, the Saints couldn’t really deal with New Kid going back in time to the first Thanksgiving the start of the fight to help their past self win, as the Boss didn’t have an easy way to do the same. While the Zin did have a time machine, this isn’t really something we have details on the functionality of, so it being used in the middle of a battle was something they might not be able to do.
Not helping is that the Boss’ wincons were a lot harder to justify working. The Boss could utilize certain weapons to take an edge, but the issue is that a lot of their haxier weapons, like the Inflato-Ray, Disintegrator, or Black Hole Launcher, were solely seen in the simulation, and therefore it was very questionable if they could use them outside of it. Johnny and Kinzie did have some useful weapons from their Hell adventure, like the Boom Chicka or Last Supper, which could help mess with members of Team South Park. However, not only has the Boss never personally use them and their speed disadvantage means they wouldn’t be the first to bust these out, they wouldn’t be able to deal with New Kid themself, as they were able to break out of similar techniques and could just their various status effect cures to end the shenanigans there. And while the two did have some innate haxes like petrification or the aforementioned soul destroying that could be particularly devastating, the New Kid’s ability to rewind time to deny attacks meant they wouldn’t be dealing much lasting damage. Finally, while Kinzie and Matt could likely hack into the New Kid’s phone to deny them their summoning, the New Kid had options for summoning besides that, and the main boys would be able to summon more units themselves, meaning that they wouldn't be able to cut them off from help entirely.
The final trump card to go over is probably the biggest elephant in the room brought up with the stat discussion, the Zin Armada’s planet busting cannons. On paper it did seem like there wasn’t really anything they could do to stop the Boss from just nuking everything from orbit. But recall the aforementioned point I made about the potential collateral killing the Saints? Yeah, it wasn’t really in character for the Boss to willingly nuke all of their buddies out of existence, so it’s unlikely for them to resort to this unless either all the Saints are dead or they’re all teleported out of the way. In either case, this would make the attack pretty telegraphed, as they’d be able to quickly catch on to the fact that either the leader of the forces or most of their opposition was suddenly gone, and therefore would realize something bad was about to happen. As the beam of the weapon is a lot slower than their reactions, the New Kid could counter the attack by using a Time Fart to stop the beam’s impact, and from there they could hitch a ride with one of their multiple allies who are able to to fly cosmic distances or teleport to take the fight into the spaceships, which would make it so the planet busting wouldn’t do shit to end the fight.
There’s a lot to go over here, as both parties had a very wide selection of options in this battle. However, the New Kid had all the tools they needed to outlast the Saints in this battle, whether you include their many allies or not.
Tertiary Factors
Now in terms of experience and skill, that was a bit debatable. Both are pretty clearly some of their world’s top fighters and have gone on plenty of weird and wacky adventures, and in terms of general intellect there wasn’t too much suggesting a massive gap on that front. The Boss pretty obviously had pure numbers on their side, given they are an adult who has been an active gangster regularly doing violent crimes for at least a decade, whereas New Kid is, well, a kid whose adventures seemed to be over the course of a few months at most. On the other hand, New Kid definitely had a more varied experience in terms of who they had fought, as while the Boss has taken on plenty of gangs, for the most part they were all just guys with guns in different outfits, whereas the New Kid’s experience was generally more varied in terms of foes they had to take on. But general skill in a fight was pretty even, as both have a wide amount of versatility in weapons both normal and unconventional, along with plenty of experience with many different skills
Tertiaries involving their backup painted a similar story. Most of the Boss’s assistance was a lot more experienced and skilled, and the skills offered by their various hackers and criminal geniuses was nothing to scoff at. They did also have a generally better level of loyalty to their leader, as while the South Park cast can generally get along, they are also pretty infamous for splintering apart if situations devolve. But on the other hand, there really wasn’t anything the Saints could pull that the boys of South Park haven’t had some experience dealing with, as they have dealt with everything from gangsters to aliens to all the powers of hell. And that’s not to say that the New Kid’s allies couldn’t keep up in wits, as characters like Cartman have been shown to be just as devious in plotting when push comes to shove.
Finally, neither of the two really had too much that would be holding them back in terms of weaknesses. Neither of them tend to default to complicated manipulations so it wasn't likely for them to end up playing into any traps taking advantage of personal flaws, and while did have limits with their abilities that generally wouldn’t be enough to keep them out of the fight for long. And while the New Kid did have an kryptonite to worry about, none of the backup that the Boss could call in would be able to exploit it enough to matter.
Conclusion
Advantages:
Equal in Power with the Iron Saint Armor
Johnny & Kinzie were far stronger than New Kid, the Zin warships even moreso
More directly destructive arsenal
Better mobility options
Had more sheer numbers for allies which were more loyal
More experienced overall
The Saints Row games are bangers please go play them
Has Keith David on their side
Equal:
Had many of the same abilities with counters for each other
Equivalent in general intellect and skill
Disadvantages:
Far weaker in base
Slower on all counts
Inferior options in defense and healing
No counter for the Time Farts
Would be vulnerable to multiple methods outhaxing by the New Kid
Allies overall were less versatile than New Kid’s
Less versatile experience in terms of foes fought
Volition
Advantages:
Far stronger than Base Boss, equal in power with the Iron Saint Armor
Faster on all counts
Superior options for defense and healing
Time Farts would be a major asset
Had multiple methods outhaxing the Boss
Allies overall were far more versatile
More versatile experience in terms of foes fought
Stick of Truth and Fractured But Whole are banger games please go play them
Has PROFESSOR CHAOS on their side
Equal:
Had many of the same abilities with counters for each other
Equivalent in general intellect and skill
Disadvantages:
Weaker than Johnny & Kinzie, far weaker than the Zin warships
Less directly destructive arsenal
Worse mobility options
Less sheer numbers for allies, and they were potentially less reliable
Likely less experienced overall
Do not rewatch Season 9 Episode 1
This is a surprisingly complicated match to break down, as both of these two had a lot of bullshit that they could pull in a fight to try and take each other down. But while the Boss’ destructive tendencies could dominate most, the New Kid’s superior speed, defenses, and help would be enough to end the Saints’ right to rule. The fragrant flatulence of the fighter from Colorado was more than the Boss could stomach, leaving them winded and out of gas for good.
Sourcelist:
The Boss and Johnny Gat Respect Threads by u/Cleverly_Clearly
ManBearPig and Satan Respect Threads by u/Kyraryc
Next Time
Hello there, I'm Capejedi. and this is my last blog of 2024. If you're unaware and are interested, I recently released a retrospective going over my thoughts on the blogs I’ve made so far. Once again, thanks for all the support with these, I really hope future blogs can keep up the consistency in quality I’ve managed to achieve. Without further ado, let me show you what the first blog of the next year will be.
Have a happy holidays, everyone, and see you next year!
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This was a great season finale, and next time is a really fun match. Quick question: I thought in one of you blogs you said you would do Darkwing Duck vs. Inspector Gadget. Is that canceled or just pushed back?
ReplyDeleteFirstly, Gamzee vs Tricky was the finale, this is the premiere of the next season
DeleteSecondly, Darkwing vs Gadget is still planned as a bonus blog, it'll just come out whenever it's ready
Oh, my bad! Thanks for the update on Gadget vs. Darkwing. It's one of my favorite matchups, and you write blogs so well you're perfect to cover it.
Delete