Davey Stone vs Howard Langston (Eight Crazy Nights vs Jingle All The Way) VS Prediction Blog
Holidays can be a frustrating time for many. Whether you’re a jewish asshole who’s taking out childhood trauma on the world around him, a dad trying to get the respect of his son by getting that toy he wanted, or a VS blogger making a holiday blog a couple weeks late because motivation died horribly. I legitimately have no idea if there’s any actual thematics here, I just accidentally spent 5 dollars watching Eight Crazy Nights and wanted my money to be worth something and wanted to talk about a movie I like more at the same time. Uh, one of them’s sad because of their parents while one’s sad because of his kid, sure. Let’s make them fight.
Before We Begin
This is gonna be looking into both films, along with side media such as the official novelization for Jingle All The Way and advertisements for Eight Crazy Nights, for exactly the reason you expect. There’s not much else to say here, what were you expecting to read here? I mean I guess there was a sequel to Jingle All The Way starring Larry the Cable Guy, but it has no story connections to the original and was basically only titled that for brand recognition. I guess there was also a card game based on the movie but like, look at the instructions for the game and tell me do you really think that’s going to be adding anything? Also I guess the character of Whitty originally showed up in Little Nicky, but like, do you really expect me to watch a second Adam Sandler movie to find out if there’s a legitimate reason to scale Davey to Satan based on that? Also I guess mature content warning since Eight Crazy Nights has a lot of crude humor and I will probably be making jokes of a similar quality.
Background
Davey Stone
“I hate love, I hate you, I hate me.”
Idk what to put here man just watch the movie. Or just look up the plot summary on Wikipedia…
Howard Langston
“I was just looking for Turbo Man!”
Same.
Intelligence & Skill
Davey Stone
In terms of actual fighting, Davey has been in a grand total of 0 onscreen fights. Though he is undeniably skilled when he can, whether that be successfully evading the police while drunk and singing, and later managing to get two cops who were trying to arrest him cuffed to each other so he could escape. Though his real skill is in basketball, as back when he was a kid he was able to easily turn around a game his team was losing in the final quarter by taking the lead on most of the shots, and even in his adulthood when he presumably hadn’t played in years he was still able to easily dominate a 2v2 match despite playing alongside an actual child.
Howard Langston
Howard is a fairly successful salesman, thanks to his genius strategy of making everyone think they’re his number one customer. But beyond that, the film shows he’s quite skilled in a fight, having been a prize winning fighter in his college years, and which he’s shown off in fights against black market santa workers and trained stunt performers. He’s also a pretty clever improviser, such as when he got a bunch of shoppers to beat up Myron to get a ball he wanted, he talked his way out of a police raid by pretending to be an undercover officer, and even was able to quickly come to grips with how to control the Turbo Man suit’s jetpack. He also allegedly has the driving skill of an Indy 500 driver.
Equipment
Davey Stone
Car
He has one. Which seems to be his lover? I’d be shocked but I’ve been on DeviantArt way too much to be surprised by what people want to put their dicks in.
Snowmobile
In the opening song he was able to steal a snowmobile that he proceeded to instantly crash. Should it be considered standard? Eh, who gives a shit.
Nunchucks
He has one of these on hand which he used to murder some unfortunate snowmen.
Hose
A tool he borrowed in order to quickly freeze Whitty in place, which was shown to have immobilized him for several hours and would have left him stuck there had some deer not come over and freed him.
Snowball
How jolly!
Howard Langston
Truck
He has one. Thankfully he does not attempt to have drunken intercourse with it.
RC Car
A toy car Howard borrowed to trip up Myron.
Candy Cane
A plastic decoration used in the fight with the Black Market Santas, though he did end up breaking it in half on the one that was stronger than him.
Turbo-Man Suit
Near the end of the film, Howard ended up mistaken for an actor meant to play Turbo Man in a parade, and ended up dressed in this costume. It’s lightly armored and has plastic weaponry like disc shooters and a boomerang, but the main thing to note about it is that it has a completely real jetpack???
Abilities
Davey Stone
Broadway Force
During certain song sequences, Davey has shown some odder abilities. Beyond the fact he can make an entire room of people sing along with him, he also seemingly demonstrates the ability to teleport between locations, which is backed up by Whitey and Eleanore suddenly appearing on the other side of the room.
Farting
Because Eight Crazy Nights is a mature film for grown ups, Davey at one point shows the ability to fart hard enough to propel himself.
French Fry Manipulation?
At one point Davey was somehow able to toss a bunch of fries onto a table to perfectly spell out words. I don’t really know how to define this but it is treated as a conscious action of his so it’s clearly meant to be an ability of some sort.
Howard Langston
None Notable
Feats
Davey Stone
Overall
Watch the movie
I had to so you have to as well
Or don’t, I’m not a cop
I’ll just stalk you until you do
For legal reasons that is a joke
Power
Kicked his shoes hard enough to smash a lightbulb and knock out a guy
Could carry Whitey and Eleanore on his shoulders, the latter of whom weighs 300 pounds
Should be physically superior to Eleanore, who broke a wooden board in half (14.8 - 27.69 Kilojoules)
Snowmobile smashed apart an ice sculpture (41.234 Megajoules)
Speed
Has a car he is presumably capable of reacting to the speeds of while driving
Should presumably have reaction speed comparable to an average person (5 - 7.7 m/s)
Durability
Bros got pipes
Should be physically superior to Whitey, who survived
This might not be canon but please give me a single person that will legitimately care about the canon of Eight Crazy Nights
Howard Langston
Overall
Watch the movie
It’s really stupid but really funny
Don’t watch the sequel though
I don’t actually know anything about it besides the fact Larry the Cable Guy stars in it which I feel is a better signal of its quality than anything else
Power
Speed
Has a car he is presumably capable of reacting to the speeds of while driving it
Turbo-Man Suit Jetpack is fast enough to go to the sky quickly (14.65 m/s)
Durability
Survived ramming through various objects while flying (12.7 - 327 Kilojoules)
Should be comparable to Officer Hummel, who survived a package bomb exploding on him hard enough to shake the ground outside the building (15.09 Tons of TNT)
Weaknesses
Davey Stone
Beyond all the problems he has as a person which are far from combat relevant, Davey’s biggest issue in a fight is just… that he’s not really been in one? The best he does in the movie is run away from the cops a few times but besides that he somehow was not seen throwing a punch once in the entire film. That’s genuinely shocking considering his character, but I guess if they had a fight scene they couldn’t have the scene of deer eating shit and then later shitting out that shit.
Howard Langston
Beyond being the worst planner in existence, Howard also doesn’t really have any issues in a fight. I don’t really know how to put it here so I’ll just use this as a chance to say I did another blog retrospective if you were interested in reading that. Why is it here instead of at the end like a sane person? I don’t know, I'm just kind of winging this bullshit.
Before the Verdict
Is This An Out Of Season April Fool’s Joke?
Yes.
How Strong is Davey’s Broadway Force?
Eight Crazy Nights is unfortunately a musical, so the characters have shown some odd abilities that have been done during song sequences. However, the issue is that it’s kinda hard to give Davey anything that wasn’t mentioned. All the major cases of people actually warping reality around them during songs are pretty clearly shown to be just imagination. Whitty’s first song is the biggest example of this, as we see him suddenly create an elaborate fantasy, only for it to quickly fade after the song’s over. There’s also the random mascots that come to life for the worst song of the movie, but that song also ends with an implied cut to reality. We do see later them seemingly coming to life when Whitey returns to the mall, but even if you wanted to say that meant the song was real, it’d still be irrelevant to Davey since they were clearly the ones in control during the sequence, not him. And while Davey has instances of seemingly warping areas to look like his memories, which even happens outside of the songs, we never really see anything to suggest they’re actually real outside of his mind.
Verdict
(I think the reason this match came to me is because these posters are vaguely similar)
Stats
To start with stats, let’s discuss Davey. He could comfortably place himself wall level range himself by smashing through a glass door at 153 Kilojoules, and his snowmobile was able to cause an impact worth 41.234 Megajoules, though in that case it’s pretty questionable to personally scale that impact to Davey’s own durability given he wasn’t actually exposed to the impact. However, scaling did offer a more solid way to get higher thanks to Whitey, whose hot dog explosion was worth 725 Kilojoules, which might be a feat depending on how you interpret it, and surviving a lightning strike at 0.382 Tons of TNT. And these are both feats you can certainly argue Davey ought to be upscaling, as the movie typically portrays Whitey as an elderly person well past his prime that Davey was even able to casually overpower in one scene, though the movie is admittedly a bit inconsistent about his physicality.
As for Howard, he was able to knock down a deer that made a big hole in a wooden door at 151 Kilojoules, and he survived ramming into objects with his jetpack at 327 Kilojoules. Howard’s best feat would be scaling to the cops surviving a bomb that blew up the floor of a building, which had a few ends to go over. At the lowest based on the novel’s depiction, it could range from 0.001 - 0.042 Tons of TNT. And while these descriptions are a lot more extreme than its depiction in the movie, the fact the movie depicted the blast as causing the ground to shake which was felt on the ground outside the building is pretty insane, enough to make the bomb potentially be worth 15.09 Tons of TNT.
So when it comes to the case for power, it definitely would come down to the question of what feats you’d consider to be valid. Obviously accepting everything here gives Howard a pretty significant lead, but if you were to stick with the lower ends for the bomb, that would actually send the ball to Davey’s court thanks to the lightning strike being at least 9 times stronger than the bomb. And naturally both of these feats are a good deal higher than the other feats for each of them, so you may feel the urge to write them off as outliers. In which case, the discussion is fairly even, with Howard’s best feat only being about twice as strong as Davey’s best direct feat, and about half as strong as Whitey’s explosion that may or may not even be applicable.
Though for a funny category that doesn’t matter too much, Davey had a pretty sizable edge in lifting strength. He was able to lift up Eleanore, who weighs over 300 pounds according to her twin brother, who’s also potentially comparable, and both of whom Davey casually lifted up on his shoulders. This is like the one case where a guy played by Adam Sandler would be more physically impressive than the guy played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. For how little it’s worth.
Speed, though, that was pretty unquestionably something Davey had no real way of competing in. His singular feat of dodging a weapon completely paled to Howard’s, as not only does his jetpack offer far faster speeds than any of his potential vehicles, but just his running speed from outrunning a reindeer was gonna make it practically impossible for Davey’s average human stats to keep up. For context, Davey would be spending the fight essentially fighting someone that’s moving anywhere from 3 to 10 times faster than he could react.
Arsenal & Abilities
Now in terms of the general arsenal both had, uh, cars that could drive them around. Beyond that, neither had a whole lot, though Davey did come out ahead of Howard normally thanks to A) having an actual weapon in nunchucks as opposed to Howard’s decoration, and B) having a decent way of potentially ending the fight thanks to his hose, which could freeze Howard solid. Considering Whitey only got out of the freezing with outside help, it would certainly be a good way for Davey to end the fight in his favor.
However, the Turbo Man outfit changed things. Not only was it armed with actual ranged weapons that Davey couldn’t really counter, the jetpack just offered far too much mobility for Davey to keep up with. Once Howard went to the sky, Davey basically couldn’t do anything to him, as he had no actual range capabilities. Meanwhile, Howard would be free to either whittle him down at range with said weapons, or barring that, potentially just pick up Davey and drop him from a high enough height. And Howard’s massive speed edge meant that, even if you think Davey ought to hold the edge in power, he just didn’t have a reliable way to take Howard down before he got the chance to get to the skies.
As for abilities, Davey did have Howard beat in terms of… actually having some, though even on paper most of them weren’t too good. His farting might stink a bit but wasn’t lethal, and his fry manipulating was just… not useful in any stretch of the imagination. The biggest thing Davey had going for him was Broadway Force, as being able to force Howard to sing or arguably teleport would be useful. Y’know, if he wasn’t fighting someone who was moving 3 to 10 times faster than he could perceive.
Tertiary Factors
As for tertiaries, they’re both good quick thinkers, but uh, only one of them has actually fought people onscreen. So you know.
Conclusion
“You can help me with my dream. To have someone wish me a Happy Hanukkah and feel as good as I used to when my dad would say it to me.”
Advantages:
Generally even in strength, with arguments for being stronger
Ironically way better at lifting
Hose offered a way to incapacitate Howard
Actually has abilities…
Has genuinely pretty good animation and songs
Disadvantages:
…most of which are worthless, and none of which could make up for the speed gap
Slower on all counts
Massively outmaneuvered by jetpack
No ranged capabilities
Has not canonically thrown a punch
Adam Sandler humor
Fuck the product placement song that ruins any emotional impact the movie could have and singlehandly makes the movie like a 7/10 at best
Advantages:
Generally even in strength, with arguments for being stronger
Faster on all counts
Higher mobility
Has ranged options
Has canonically thrown a punch
From the funnier and better movie
Disadvantages:
Ironically way worse at lifting
Would be incapacitated by hose freezing him
Doesn’t have abilities
The plot of the movie is literally him getting almost cucked
So, while Davey did have some stuff going for him, generally Howard was a pretty clear victor when looking at everything as a whole. And that’s no technical foul, it’s the turbotastic truth!
Next Time
First there was the announcement of Gadget vs. Darking. Then there was the announcement of Sparrow vs. Threepwood. Now there's a blog featuring my favorite Christmas movie? You are determined to be my favorite Vs. Blog maker, aren't you? Thank you very much.
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