Conker vs The Postal Dude (Rare vs Postal) VS Prediction Blog
"It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies." - C. S. Lewis
Conker, the snarky alcoholic squirrel trying to find his way home during a real Bad Fur Day
The Postal Dude, the misanthropic trailer park denizen just trying to get his chores done
Many out of touch people over the years have claimed violent and sexual content in video games are rotting kid’s minds and making them shoot up schools and stuff. While these two’s games are held as some of the premiere examples of this, perhaps the people claiming these should take a closer look at said games. If they did, they might instead come to the conclusion that the real evil of the world is random weirdos popping up and getting in your way when you’re just trying to do basic stuff, as that’s the main thing concerning them. This has left the two with a cynical, often jerkish view of the world, but they still have the ability to pull through and save things if the need arises. At least assuming they stand to benefit when it does happen. So, can Conker end the Dude’s week on a sour note, or will he make sure this squirrel never eats lunch in this town again? Let’s see.
Before We Begin
Right off the bat, mature content warning. Both of these are from very crass and gross games that tackle mature topics, with Postal in particular featuring such lovely subject matter like gore, suicide bombings, piss, enough dated stereotyping to make a South Park episode look tame, shootings on various public buildings, mental hospitals, demented imagery, and Gary Coleman. Viewer discretion is very advised.
For Conker, main focus will be given to games he’s had a starring role in, which includes Conker's Pocket Tales, Conker's Bad Fur Day, it's remake Conker: Live & Reloaded, Conker's Big Reunion, and Young Conker, along with details from other supplemental material. This also will include equipment and abilities from crossovers like Diddy Kong Racing and Project Spark, but not any cross scaling to characters from other series or within these crossovers.
As for Postal Dude, this will be a bit more complicated, since Postal is a lot more… weird about the continuity. Postal 2 will be the main focus, as that’s the most famous portrayal of the Dude, and this will include media explicitly tied to it, including its expansions, the J2ME mobile game, Postal 4: No Regerts, and other supplemental material. Postal 1/Redux will also be included, as while there are fan theories that the Dude of that game is a different guy from the main Dude, these haven’t been totally confirmed and it doesn’t really change much regardless. Equipment from Postal 3 and Postal: Brain Damaged will not be included, as both games are canonically just in the Dude’s head and therefore he should not have access to stuff from them. There also won’t be any bits given to him from stuff like Enhanced Mode or cheat codes, as it’s very questionable if he could get access to them in-universe, and I want to stay at least a little down to earth here. Also yes I did look into the Postal movie because I hate myself. Finally, same deal in regards to crossovers. Equipment and abilities are fine, but cross scaling with other verses is not fine.
Background
Conker
“It all started yesterday. What a day that was. It's what I call... a Bad Fur Day.”
Conker the Squirrel was initially kind of a kind kid. His parents told him to never drink, swear, or be greedy, and as such he was a sweet young boy who was always happy go lucky. He spent much of early years doing rather innocent fare, such as saving a birthday party from an Evil Acorn, racing around with Diddy Kong and friends, and possibly working as a secret spy on the side. But when Rare was making his debut game on the Nintendo 64, something changed. Not liking the reputation the company had of only making kiddie platformers, the crew would set out to make this next title a bit more… risque.
Thanks to this, Conker had grown up into a bitter and greedy alcoholic, who could get somewhat ditzy at points. This all came to a head one night, when a long night out at the bar ended with him lost, not able to find his way home to his girlfriend, Berri. Meanwhile, the Panther King, ruler of the land that Conker was now lost in, had found that his throne's side table was missing one of its legs. And it just happened that a Red Squirrel like Conker was just the right size to act as a replacement leg, leading to his men trying to capture him.
Conker would end up going through a series of increasingly absurd situations, including having to fight his way out of a coliseum of dinosaurs and cavemen, fighting a giant opera-singing pile of feces called The Great Mighty Poo, and getting drafted into a war between grey squirrels and Nazi teddy bears. Along the way though, he’d end up getting sidetracked away from his goal of finding a way home to get money, and when he found Berri, he ended up drafting her into a bank robbery to try and get even more money.
However, this bank was a trap by the Panther King and his minions, and his girlfriend would end up getting shot and killed during this confrontation. After a fight with an alien that burst from his chest ended with Conker meeting a developer, Conker would end up defeating it and being crowned as the new king. This victory, though, was hollow, as Conker had realized too late that he had taken his girlfriend for granted, and now had no way to get her back. After lamenting his place in life, he’d go back to where he started, and would get drunk and stumble off into the night once again.
Postal Dude
In an unnamed downtrodden town, things were not great. The town was decaying, the people were bitter, and of course, one man ended up snapping. Convinced the town was full of people who had succumbed to a hate plague with him as the sole survivor, a man by the odd name of Postal Dude Jr. would go on a bloody spree through the town. He’d take many lives throughout this, but eventually his issues caught up with him, and he’d end up arrested and taken to an insane asylum, destined to live the rest of his days inside their walls.
Then after that, he went to move to a town called Paradise with his fat wife named Bitch who hated his guts and lived in a trailer with his dog Champ. Yeah, uh, it’s kind of unclear if he ended up escaping the mental institute, if that whole thing was just in his head, or it’s part of a separate continuity entirely, but regardless, he seemed to have gained a bit of a clearer head. Too bad the new town still sucked, as every time he’d try to do his chores he’d stumble the situation escalating to a violent shootout that he was caught up in. Eventually this led to everyone going nuts, and Postal Dude would end up shooting himself to stop himself from hearing his wife’s nagging.
After recovering in the hospital, he’d end up doing some more odd jobs while struggling with some new found brain damage. After one of these jobs ended with him planting a nuke in the headquarters of a gaming company, the Dude would end up escaping from Paradise with his dog. But then the car crashed, putting him in an 11 year coma in which he hallucinated a third game that everyone hated. After waking up, he would find that his dog was now missing, and ventured back to the now post-apocalyptic town of Paradise to find him.
He’d find out his dog had gotten taken to Hell and was transformed into a hellhound, so he’d go on several more odd jobs to get the resources needed to blast his way into Hell and cure his dog. After doing so and having some encounters with an alternate version of himself from his head, he’d end up saving Champ, and after his ex-wife tried to claim custody, would promptly blow her up. With the town once again in chaos, he and Champ promptly abandon Paradise for good this time.
After several years and a trip through his own head, the Postal Dude would find himself living in the town of Edensin. Though one week would end up starting with some guy stealing his trailer and belongings, and was forced to go yet another week of odd jobs. After this, he’d end up meeting with a mysterious boss who was actually his thought to be dead father, and then they’d have an epic boss fight that ended with his dad getting shoved off a balcony. After this, the Dude would finally find his trailer, and with his dog, would drive off into the sunset, regretting nothing.
Intelligence & Skill
Conker
Conker has shown himself to be rather skilled as a fighter. In his youth he apparently had some time as a super spy, if Young Conker is to be believed, and in DKR, he’s potentially able to beat Wizpig, an alien conqueror from another world that took over many other planets, in several races. In his more well known appearance, he was able to beat various weird foes in a fight, pulled off a bank heist, was a major player in ending a war between the Squirrels and Tediz, and was even able to keep up with a massive alien. He’s also rather crafty, as he was able to trick a guard into thinking that he was not a squirrel, but instead an elephant, and regularly was shown to be able to suss out weak points and strategies to beat unconventional foes.
Postal Dude
The Postal Dude is surprisingly skilled, being regularly capable of fighting off police officers and military forces of various kinds. He managed to fight his way through a military base in the original game and Apocalypse Weekend, and he’s able to fight his way through police stations whenever. Though he’s also had to deal with plenty of weirder stuff, such as Middle Eastern terrorists, protestors, rednecks, mascots armed with rocket launchers, leprechauns, game developer Mike J after he turned into a big demon, and his ex wife after she turned to a giant. He’s also good with weapons, able to figure out how to use practically anything he gets his hands on as a weapon as soon as he gets it. And in the movie, not only was he able to plan out a heist to get dolls and fought his way through the entire town trying to hunt him down, he showed skill in crafting his own bombs, quickly improvising an explosive that blasted him out of a locked bunker room and creating a bomb that blew up his ex wife.
Also he’s pretty good at pinball.
Equipment
Conker
Frying Pan
Conker’s main weapon of choice for batting around foes in comical fashion.
Baseball Bat
Another weapon he’s good at using to smack people.
Chainsaw
Good for slicing apart everything from trees to teddy bears to the N64 logo.
Katana
Another dangerous melee weapon, which he used to slice apart a somewhat familiar looking alien.
Slingshot
Conker’s main weapon in his original solo adventure, which he kept using later in life. He can use it to fire Conker nuts, his namesake, which are strong enough to instagib large bugs.
Throwing Knives
Conker’s utilized these in the past, mainly to cut up wires and ropes at a distance, but they’d presumably be pretty deadly if he stabbed something more alive with them.
Blowtorch
Conker’s used this as a flamethrower to blast at flying enemies and take them down.
Submachine Guns
Conker’s main guns of choice, which have a high rate of fire for blasting people to death.
Revolver
He’s also been using this gun in some promotional material.
Shotgun
Mainly used for dealing with zombies, this lets him blast past foes at closer ranges.
Crossbow
A less modern ranged weapon used for dealing with airborne foes, which comes complete with a laser sight to help aim it.
Explosives
He has a cartoony explosive device which he used to blow up a caveman, a rocket launcher which he can aim at enemies, dynamite he can planet and a plunger for activating it, and a WW2 era grenade.
Pills
He has pulled out several different pills, including Seltzer Tablets that help recover from being hung over, and Confidence Pills which gave him the courage to swim in deeper waters.
Gas Mask
He has one which he can pull out to protect himself from toxic gasses.
Spy Equipment
From Young Conker, a game with a horrible design for him that decided to make him a spy for some reason. Thanks to this, he has some more toys to play with. This includes a radio headset he can use to talk to people, a sentient “Spypan” which can whack people, and a jetpack equipped with a minigun. There might be other stuff the game adds, but it’s basically lost media now and was for an overpriced peripheral that can barely be recorded with, so who cares.
Mech Suit
A yellow mechanical sci-fi suit possibly used for moving cargo, which Conker used to convince an alien to kindly get away from people. It’s strong and equipped with claws for grabbing things.
Tank
Conker has also commandeered a tank for himself. They’re heavily armored and can fire heavily damaging explosives.
Diddy Kong Racing Vehicles
In his first appearance in Diddy Kong Racing before he became a surly drunkard, Conker showed a decent amount of skill in kart racing. Conker has access to a standard go-kart, a plane used for more aerial races, and a hovercraft for more aquatic terrain.
Power-Up Balloons
DKR also gives him a variety of power ups to use during wacky races. He’s able to gather them by collecting balloons during the races, and if he gets several of the same color balloon, he can level them up for three levels of improvement each.
Red Balloons: These give you access to offensive missiles. Tier One gives you a single one to fire, Tier Two gives you one that homes in on other racers, and Tier Three gives you ten missiles to launch rapid fire.
Blue Balloons: These give you a speed boost, with each tier getting progressively faster.
Green Balloons: These drop items behind the racer. Tier One is an oil spill on the ground or a gas cloud in the air that causes other racers to trip up, Tier Two leaves a land mine that will explode if racers cross it, and Tier Three creates a bubble that will temporarily trap foes.
Yellow Balloons: These create shields which can protect you from hazards, with each tier offering progressively stronger defense.
Rainbow Balloons: These give your cart a special magnet power. Tier One is one which will pull you towards other racers, Tier Two ups the strength of it, and Tier Three reverses it to make you pull racers towards you to trip them up.
Nuts
Guess you could say he really likes the taste of nuts in his-
Postal Dude
Weapons
Postal Dude has a lot of potential equipment, many of which are pretty redundant to break down individually. As such, this will be in the form of several lists briefly summarizing them with links to the wikis if you want more information.
Melee Weapons
Shocker - A taser which can be used to stun foes
Shovel - Mainly used for digging, which can be used to either swing or thrust hard enough to dismember.
Protest Sign - Mainly used for protesting stupid things like video games being violent, which the Dude can use to kill people with irony.
Pitchfork - A reskinned shovel used for Halloween costumes.
Baton - A fairly weak weapon mainly used by police officers.
Machete - Can be used to stab things, and get tossed around like a boomerang.
Sledgehammer - A large hammer which can stun foes if the hit doesn’t split their heads. Can also be tossed, though he’ll have to reclaim it.
Scythe - A tool used for grain collection which is just as effective at cutting people in half. Can also be tossed only once.
Baseball Bat - Originally intended for hitting balls, but is good at bashing head in.
Dusters - Brass knuckles which can enhance his punches.
Shears - Large sharp objects which can cut up leaves or heads.
Axe - Good for chopping things
Bali - A butterfly knife which can cause foes to slowly bleed to death and deals insta kill damage from behind, for reasons that I’m not sure of.
Bitch's Katana - Taken from his wife which he can use to channel his inner weeb.
Dildo - If you’re surprised that this is something you can kill people with then you haven’t been paying attention.
Hammer - There’s only so many ways I can say “you hit someone with this and they die”.
Chainsaw - Deals continuous damage, but needs gas to keep revving.
Weed Whacker - An alternative for if he needs better precision
Wrench - He has this art for the Steam Workshop showing him using it, and you know he’s fully willing to kill with it if needed.
Tazer Baton - An electric tipped baton that can stun foes.
Mop - Really cleans up the competition.
Mallet - A rubber mallet he can smash or toss with.
Foam Hammer - A nonlethal weapon used to knock them out.
The Rattler - A sickle and weight tied together by a chain, which can slice apart ot knock out people depending on which end hits.
Guns
Pistols - He has wielded several basic pistols over the years, though none are really notable enough to get a separate breakdown. It does standard damage, but is fairly accurate, making it a good fallback option.
Machine Pistol - Based on the Glock, this deals less damage than the standard pistol, but has a faster rate of fire to compensate.
Revolver - He has several different hand cannons, which deal high damage at the cost of a lower rate of fire. The Postal 2 version has the special ability of a meter which builds up before letting him shoot a full clip which can automatically hit foes.
Machine Gun - A submachine gun with unlimited ammo, which is used in the original game as a fallback weapon.
Ingram - An uzi with rapid firing speed at the cost of low individual bullet damage and high recoil.
Shotgun - Used in a few variations, this weapon has a wide spread and high damage at close ranges.
Spray Cannon - An automatic shogun which can really pump out the damage
Sawed-Off Shotgun - Deals massive damage over even the standard shotgun, but it does have a lower clip size to compensate
Lever-Action Shotgun - An old west style shotgun that has a tighter spread compared to the normal shotgun, giving it a better accuracy and range
Beta Shotgun - This fires more pellets per shot, but also has a lower clip size
The Fournicator - A quadruple barrel shotgun because why kill when you can overkill
M16 Machine Gun - An assault rifle which has a large fire rate and decent range
MP5 - A submachine gun which can swap between full and semi automatic firing modes
AKM - Another assault rifle, this one based on the AK-47
M60 - A monster of a machine gun, with a massive ammo pool letting him go full Rambo.
Hunting Rifle - A scoped sniper rifle that he can use to shoot at foes from further away
Unfortunate Spacemen Weapons - Due to being a crossover guest character in this game, he has access to a bunch of space age versions of standard guns.
Fire Weapons and Explosives
Gas Can - A classic which he uses to douse people and areas with gasoline to ignite. Can also be used for more of the intentional purpose as fuel for his motorized melee weapons.
Matches - Used to light said gasoline and other stuff on fire.
Flamethrower - Is not an actual flamethrower, but rather a can of deodorant he sprays through a lighter to ignite.
Flamer - Is just an actual flamethrower.
Napalm Launcher - Fires a canister of napalm which creates an area that burns people to death.
Flare Gun - Can be used to signal for help or make enemies burn, making them wish they could.
Firebomb / Molotov Cocktail - A throwable weapon which can light things on fire.
Flash Grenade - Acts like a grenade, but instead of exploding they create a bright flash that can stun enemies for a long period of time.
Grenade - Another weapon which was used in various different incarnations. He tosses them and then things go boom, like you’d expect.
Dynamite - These can deal more damage than grenades at the cost of longer fuse.
Krotchy Grenade - These are super powerful grenades which end up exploding into blasts comparable to mini-nukes
Proximity Mine - He can place these, which will explode when enemies get in range
Timed Mine - Another placeable mine, though this one will simply explode after several seconds.
Bouncing Betty Mine - These fly through the air a bit before detonating, launching a large blast radius of shrapnel at foes in an area.
Homemade Bomb - A remotely detonated bomb which he used to blow up his wife in the film. He claimed it was strong enough to blow up a city block earlier.
IED - Assembled with the help of Middle Eastern terrorists that had turned to the hippie lifestyle, this explosive was originally meant to help him blow his way into Hell, and later ended up using it to blow up his wife.
Grenade Launcher - This shoots projectiles that act identically to the basic grenades, mainly being an alternate way of tossing them further.
Missile Launcher - Can switch between standard rockets and heat seeking ones
Rocket Launcher - Same deal, just in 3D
Mini-Nuke Launcher - A missile launcher that launches extra powerful explosions that are, well, mini nukes.
Thermo-Nuclear Warhead - A literal fucking nuke which he used to blow up Paradise at the end of the Apocalypse Weekend DLC.
Miscellaneous Weapons
(I don’t have a good gif for this section)
Cats - He can pick up cats from the world and do horrible things with them, including sticking guns up their butts to use them as silencers, put a grenade on them to make them tiny bombers, put them on rockets to remotely guide them, and just toss them to make them claw enemies. Dog people, this guy is the reason us cat people don’t trust you at all.
Scissors - Can be tossed at foes to stab them.
Cow Head - When tossed at someone, this will give them a disease that will kill them
Bean Bag Gun - A rotating cannon that uses compressed air to fire lead-filled bean bags at enemies, knocking them out.
Weapon of Mass Destruction - A special rocket launcher that launches some kind of gas, which will create a mist that can insta kill most foes. If they somehow survive, they’ll also be infected with a virus that will make them be forced on the ground to puke until they die. Grim.
Clipboard - Contains a petition he can get people to sign. Could probably hurt to smack you with it as well.
Photo - A picture of Postal Dude and his dog that causes people to run away in terror upon seeing it.
Bucket - <Insert creative TF2/Stanley Parable reference here>
Ensmallen Cure - Created through methods you don’t want to know, this is a special concoction which can shrink whoever’s injected with it while making them easier to kill.
Pigeon Mine - When thrown, this unleashes a flock of pigeons which will kill foes
Spurt’ N ’Squirt 9000 - A modified toy water gun which can shoot gasoline, piss, and just normal water.
Dilbow - A bow that shoots dildos instead of arrows at people, and can pin them at walls until they pull it out. Because of course.
Krotchy Dolls - In the movie, they happen to contain vials of Avian Bird Flu for some reason, which was stated to be so deadly the world would end if it was fully unleashed.
Handcuffs - there’s a lot of shit here, I can’t give creative commentary on all of it
Armor and Other Equippable Items
Backpack - Can double his carrying capacity for ammo.
Construction Helmet - Was shown with one on art for the Steam Workshop, which presumably can help protect from accidents.
Gas Mask - Was shown with one on box art for Postal Plus, which presumably helps protect from gasses.
Kevlar Vest - Gives the Dude 100 points of armor, which essentially blocks most of the direct damage done by foes.
SIC Body Armor - Gives 200 points of armor
Tactical DuraFlab Armor - His most powerful armor, giving 300 points of armor
Police Uniform - Disguises the Dude as a Police Officer, letting him freely commit crimes on any non-cop because satire.
Lawman Chaps - Does the same as the above, just with some Wild West flare.
Gimp Suit - Makes everyone laugh at him.
Reflex Sight - Can be attached to guns to make them more accurate
Consumables
Bottle of Water - Heals Dude for 2 HP and resets his “piss” counter
Doughnuts - Heals Dude for 3 HP
Pizza - Heals Dude for 5 HP
Bag of Fast Food - Heals Dude for 10 HP
Health Pipe - Dude’s most powerful healing item, healing him for 125 HP. However, after a few minutes, he’ll go into withdrawal, hurting him for 25 HP.
Vodka - Heals Dude for 100 HP, but hurts him with withdrawal after a while, along with making him temporarily lose balance after consumption
Can of Habib's Power Station - Soda which lets the Dude dual wield any weapon for a bit
Crackola - Same as above
Akimbo Power - Same as above. Geez, did the recipe get leaked or something?
Catnip - This can be used for its intended purpose of attracting cats, but if the Dude eats it himself, he’ll enter a special bullet time mode where he’ll move at normal speed while everyone else moves slowly.
Doggie Treat - He can use these to tame dogs, making them attack foes. Dude can also eat themselves for 1 HP if he wants to for some reason.
Vitamin X - When consuming this, his piss stream gets strong enough to knock over people, his movement and attacking speed gets 20% faster, and his power with kicking and melee weapons is increased.
Explosive Rounds - Makes his guns’s bullets explode on impact
Tazer Rounds - Makes his guns’s bullets shock on impact
Tranquilizer Rounds - Makes his guns’s bullets nonlethally knock people out
Incendiary Rounds - Makes his guns’s bullets burn people on impact
Vehicles
Postal Dude’s main vehicle is a 1987 DeFuQue, which is a fictional brand that resembles the Volkswagen Golf, and is hitched to the trailer that he lives in. It presumably does what you’d expect a car to do. He’s also driven a scooter and kart, which he can use for drive bys, and in the movie he drove a mail van that he stole as part of a heist, along with other basic cars.
Fish Finder
Originally meant to help fishermen find fish, the Dude instead can use this to help detect people. Red marked people are hostile, yellow marks are those that were just alerted to you, and white marked ones are unprovoked. It can also be upgraded with the Largemouth Plug-in to detect law enforcement officers, the Piranha Plug-in to detect armed and potentially dangerous NPCs, and the Chompy Game Cartridge to activate a minigame in which the fish hunts down icons, killing people with dark voodoo powers as he catches their icons while the Dude is stuck standing still and invincible.
…wait what the fuck-
Phone
In Postal 4, he has this, which he can use to track his location, keep track of objectives, take calls and pictures, and other stuff you’d expect a phone to do. It does have a button that lets you go to the main menu, possibly suggesting he can access cheat codes or saves through it, but it’s very questionable if that’s a fully diegetic detail or not.
Champ
The Dude’s pet Pitbull Terrier, and probably the one thing he actually cares about, given he literally went to Hell and back to save him. He can bite foes and fetch items like you’d expect a dog to do. He also ended up turning into a hellhound that could spit explosive fireballs, though it’s a bit questionable if he still has access to those abilities.
Also he’s based on the late dog of Vince Desi, one of the game’s creators. o7
Abilities
Conker
Funny Helicopter Tail Thing
Conker is able to fly around by spinning his tail, which probably has nothing to do with any foxes that follow around hedgehogs.
Digging
In Pocket Adventures, Conker has the ability to dig under obstacles when encountering loose dirt, which he does rather quickly.
Toon Force
Conker has shown plenty of generally cartoony abilities, like being able to make his eyes pop out of his head, changing what his pupils look like, pulling random stuff out of nowhere, and even being able to turn into a cartoon anvil. Somehow.
Context Sensitive Buttons
To get access to his weaponry, Conker can walk over to various buttons in his world to pull out whatever he needs at that moment, essentially giving him on will hammerspace. While you could argue this means he doesn’t have access to them for the sake of VS as he needs to go over to stuff in the environment, in Project Spark it’s shown he has the ability to summon them whenever he wants. Speaking of which, some notable abilities these can give him in this game include:
Conker grows big with a dragon suit and gets the ability to breath fire
Conker gets a gas mask and gets the ability to kill using his farts
Conker gets an afro and dances, seemingly hypnotizing other enemies
Conker gets the ability to toss an infinite amount of molotov cocktails
Piss
He has the ability to get drunk enough that he needs to start pissing, which is strong enough to let him put out fires and push around large rock monsters.
Hypnotism
He was able to use a stopwatch to hypnotize a dinosaur that was trying to eat him into letting him ride it, and was even sad when Conker had to leave it. Though it does try to eat you again if you get knocked off, so it’s not completely infallible.
4th Wall Awareness
Conker seems pretty aware of the fact he’s in a video game. Not only does he have multiple moments of giving aside comments and winks to the player, but in the ending he was able to take advantage of the game freezing to have a developer give him weapons and make him the master of the world. Also in Young Conker he spends the whole game yapping at you.
Immortality
Because squirrels happen to be one of those “special cases”, like cats, Conker is able to come back from death “as many times as (he) thinks (he) can get away with”. The exact amount of tries is not acknowledged in-universe, but given it’s the explanation for the extra lives system, it’s likely that he can come back as many times as there are lives. In terms of how many he has for this discussion, well, you can technically get up to 99 lives in total, but you’re unlikely to do this over the course of standard play. What is important to note would be the special red tails you can find, which give you up to 10 lives in total when collected. I’m just going to play relatively conservative and say he’s only god these 10 for the sake of this discussion. Just know it’s hypothetically any value up to 99, but would still be finite and able to be brought down with enough effort.
Postal Dude
Piss
Postal Dude is fully willing to just piss on you, which is naturally enough to make enemies immediately stop to throw up. He can also piss on himself to put himself out if he’s on fire, and can also use it to change what photos look like and resurrect zombies into unkillable spirits that shoot lightning. You might be wondering how or why, and that is an excellent question.
Kick
The Dude is also good at kicking. Not only can he kick open doors and kick people in the nuts, but he can also use it to deflect projectiles like grenades and rockets back to sender. Also he can do a sick dropkick.
Hammerspace
The Dude is somehow able to keep all his weapons and equipment in his trenchcoat, which some promotional material has described as infinite.
Finger Gun
He can pull a Makima and just finger gun people to death. Somehow. Considering the visual effect, it might just be the result of a drug trip, but who knows with this series.
4th Wall Awareness
The Dude is pretty aware he’s in a video game. He can recognise if you’re saving too much, recognise when you use cheat codes, call the developer to get his voice actor back, stop you from skipping cutscenes, and even stop you from wasting money on overpriced DLC. See, he’s not a monster.
Insults
In Oh Sir! The Insult Simulator, Dude is able to string together loquacious insults so cutting that other people react in pain.
Mobile Perks
In the mobile Postal game, the Dude can unlock several perks which are able to increase his killing potential. I’d show gameplay of it, but this game is incredibly obscure due to only being on older phones, and all the gameplay videos I can find online are in Russian, which I cannot speak. So this section will have to have a bit of a “just trust me” addendum.
Beefcake - Increases his endurance
Psycho - All shots at point blank range are deadly
Veteran - Increases damage with bullet weapons
Mutant - Gives him faster Health Regeneration
Athlete - Increases his movement speed
Sniper - Increases his precision with ranged weapons
Pyromaniac - Increases damage with his flamethrower and possible other fire weapons
The Chosen - Higher chance for enemies to miss attacks
Unfortunate Spaceman Perks
Another random crossover he’s had is in this game, where you play as space guys running around a base while two of them are traitors trying to kill them. The obvious comparison to use is Among Us, but it’s actually a 3D shooter game more similar to Trouble in Terrorist Town. This also gives him several perks, which are split into several categories. You can equip only one perk from each category to use for your character. Also some of the perks are irrelevant to a one on one fight like this so they won’t be included.
Profession Perks
Recruit: Increases Max HP and gives health regeneration
Doctor: Gives you a health kit that helps heal other players
Janitor: Gives you a fire extinguisher which can remove hazards like fire or acid puddles and deprive foes of oxygen. Also increases movement speed when carrying important objects
Investigator: Gives you a Pocket Detective, which can be used to track footprints and see through disguises.
Cultist: Gives you Space Milk, which when drunk, will give temporary damage resistance and heal diseases before teleporting you to a random spot on the map. After this, you get an increase to max health but can no longer talk with team mates. If you’re the last one standing in your squad, you’ll get Space Madness, which will increase your movement speed and damage
Soldier: Assault Rifles have half the bullet spread and you get Stim Pack gear which can temporarily increase your fire rate. Blindness effects from flashbangs also only last half as long.
Warden: You get a Stun Baton which can electroshock foes, stunning them for a moment. You’re also immune to getting stunned with these yourself.
Utility Perks
Oxygen Filter: You recover Oxygen twice as fast, are immune to the choking of the Fire Extinguishers, and are less affected by toxic gas hazards.
Welder: Gives you a welder which you can use to repair objects and weld doors shut.
Springy Step: You move 15% faster and jump higher.
Defense Perks
Magnetic Boots: Masks your footprints, reduces distance when getting shoved, deals damage to monsters grabbing you from below, and makes you take 5% less damage overall.
Blast Shield: Upon taking lethal explosive damage, the blast shield triggers, saving you from death while leaving you at low health, and causing any headshots on you to deal non-headshot damage while the shield is active.
Antibodies: You’re immune to viruses and toxic gasses, take 25% less damage from acid damage, and if a monster eats your corpse they’ll be poisoned, preventing them from regenerating health.
Security Perks
Brawny: Unarmed attacks do more damage and are faster, you take 25% less damage from melee attacks, and you can attack foes that are burrowed to make them come out faster.
Nimble: Your footsteps are quieter and untraceable and you are able to avoid triggering proximity traps like mines.
Traitor Perks
Haywire: Lets you hack security bots, making them shoot anyone who comes into contact with them
Translocator: Lets you place a device which you can teleport back to at will, which will cause it to be destroyed when used.
Man Traps: Lets you place traps which can trap foes for a short period, though they will take less damage from guns while trapped. You have an unlimited supply of these traps, but can only have 2 active at once.
Also you are able to randomly become a monster in this game, which gives you other perks, but I’m not going to include that here. Partly because it’s a bit questionable if that counts as Postal Dude himself doing it and not just a monster pretending to be him, and partly because it is far too off brand for even the weird world of Postal to treat him as if he’s actually a shape shifting alien on top of all this other shit.
“Hey! This is inconsistent since you let Ghostface use Amongus stuff to fight Baldi!!!”
Nice argument. Counterpoint: your mother is unattractive.
Resistances
Disease - Can be in range of various toxic weapons he tosses with lesser effect than on normal people
Electricity - Can walk on power lines without being electrocuted
Radiation - In Paradise Lost, he runs around radioactive areas with little ill effect.
Temperature - Dude’s running around a desert town in a trench coat without caring.
Feats
Conker
Overall
Survived having a real Bad Fur Day
Was a spy in his youth
Fought in a war between the Squirrels and Tediz
Defeated the Evil Acorn, the Big Big Guy,, the Great Mighty Poo, Buga the Knut, Count Batula, and Dr. Von Kriplespac
Became the King of the Panther Kingdom (Who would’ve thought that?)
Power
Sawed the N64 logo in half (Outerversal????)
Decapitated a Xenomorph completely legally distinct alien monster
Can blast open a trapdoor by turning to an anvil (407.64 kilojoules)
Speed
Durability
The same explosion knocked out Private Rodent, who would later end up staying conscious through an explosion that blew up a bunker and sent him flying hard enough to destroy a windmill on impact
Scales to the Evil Acorn, who survived an explosion that sent him flying into orbit (9.509 tons to 108.332 kilotons)
Postal Dude
Overall
Regrets nothing
Survived at least 5 different apocalypses
Took out multiple armies, police forces, terrorist cells, and other hate groups
Saved his dog from demonic transformation and his ex wife
Power
Claimed homemade bomb was strong enough to blow up a city block
A stockpile of multiple of them going off blew up the entire world (See Before the Verdict)
Was able to defeat Mad Cow Mike J, who survived a nuke (See Before the Verdict)
Speed
Able to outrun Pit Bulls, Cats, and Elephants
Can react to and dodge bullets and rockets in gameplay
Can dodge attacks from the Easter Bunny, who can move fast enough to leave a fire trail
Can react to possible laser based projectiles while in an in-universe “VAG” game (See Before the Verdict)
Durability
Can survive many explosions
Got shot in the head and was fine after an overnight hospital stay
Weaknesses
Conker
Besides basically everything Microsoft did to screw over his series and company, Conker’s biggest issue is probably himself. Not only is he depressed and an alcoholic, he does have a tendency to get himself into sticky situations due to not thinking things through. He’s also rather greedy, often not caring for others as long as he gets what he wants, and not caring for how others are hurt by his actions until it’s too late.
Postal Dude
Postal 3 exists. As does the movie. Beyond that, The Postal Dude can be rather carefree and casual when it comes to deadly situations, which is funny in the moment, but that also means he’s likely to not take fighting that seriously. He also has some issues with his inner psyche and brain damage leading to cases of psychosis and hallucinations, which have pushed him to be very violent towards other and have mental breakdowns. Finally, while he does have a lot of weapons, he still has to worry about limited ammo for many of the ranged weapons, many of which also share ammo pools.
Before the Verdict
Developer Hax?
Both characters here have shown the ability to actually discuss things with their game’s developers, and there’s an argument that they could use this to pull some sort of meta narrative shenanigans. However, I feel that’s not something which is reasonable as a major argument. For Conker, while he was able to use it to his advantage to give him weapons and change the world, this was something he only was able to do because the game itself froze and he agreed to not tell the developer about it. This was also only a temporary thing that he wasn’t able to take advantage of afterwards, as seen with how he forgot to get him to bring Berri back to life, and was unable to do so after the developer left. As such, his usage of the developer is pretty non standard and something he’d be unable to use again.
As for the Dude, the issue with him is a matter of capability. While he has directly chatted with the developers from time to time, he’s never actually been shown to use them for dev command purposes. The most he’s ever used them for is getting his voice actor, which is hardly a relevant thing he could do. It’s also worth bringing up that the RWS devs are actually an in-universe game company he’s worked at, which could suggest he’s actually talking to them rather than the actual IRL game company, and they never show anything to back up the idea they’re capable of changing the game world either.
Postal Dude Resurrection
Some have suggested that Postal Dude has the ability to come back to life. This is mainly thanks to how if you reload an older save after dying, The Dude will react to it with comments saying he just came back to life. While this might seem like it at first glance, all the things Dude can say are more just responding to the action, not actively going “good thing I did this” or something to that. This suggests to me that these moments are simply an extension of his fourth wall awareness, meaning this is not an ability to actively exploit saves to come back from the death, but simply him having awareness of them existing and you the player using them. To use another series as an example, he can’t do a reset himself like Flowey or Frisk, but he still has an awareness that the resets exist like Sans. This is unlike Conker’s resurrection, which is very blatantly established as an ability of his in-universe.
Postal Nukes
Now, there are some potential town level feats for Postal Dude involving his various forays into nuclear warfare, which oddly comes up more than you’d think. While I do think it can be reasonable to give him the 100 kiloton nuke as part of his arsenal, the idea of him actually scaling to it fully for his personal durability is a bit questionable. While Mike J and potentially other residents of Paradise were able to survive being in the 100 kiloton blast that blew up Paradise, the problem is that we have absolutely no context for how much of the blast they were actually taking. Especially so for Mike, given he was last seen in the game several level transitions and at least 10 minutes of gameplay away from where Postal Dude planted the bomb, so there’s no reason to assume he took the full brunt of the blast. And given Postal Dude is far less bulky than Mike J physically, it also means he’d likely be further downscaling from him. There’s also nothing to support the idea of any of the faceless NPCs tanking it’s full force, as not only does the town have multiple bunkers and tunnels they could have hid in, the fact over a decade passed means there’s no real way of tracking their movements during the blast and it’s entirely possible these could be people who moved in from elsewhere entirely. The narrative also supports this, as the fact Dude stated he needed to get out of town ASAP after planting said nuke shows even he doesn’t think he could tank an entire nuclear blast himself.
Also taking this as a chance to go over the whole planet level nuke thing. While you could maybe argue this could support this nuke blast actually being higher by dividing their yield from planet level, there’s two major issues with that. A) The nukes going off here are not the “clearly labeled as lower in yield” nuke Dude takes with him, but a different model entirely, so it’s entirely plausible they’re a separate, much stronger type of nuke, and B) The fact this game over blatantly ends with the entire planet dying clearly indicates this is a level beyond anyone’s durability. So while it is funny, this value is not something that should be scaled to.
Postal 3/Brain Damaged scaling
This is going to be a bit confusing to talk about, so try to bear with me. As previously mentioned, both of the above mentioned games are canonically dreams the Dude has, with 3 being retconned into one in the Paradise Lost DLC, and Brain Damaged blatantly establishing itself as much in it’s intro and ending. This means the idea of him directly scaling to any feats from these particular games is fairly questionable. However, some have pitched there being a roundabout way to scale normal Dude to the feats of these games. Basically, the Dude of the third game was retconned into being a voice in the Dude’s head as of the Paradise Lost DLC, and ends up escaping from his head and becoming real later in the story. Remember this bit.
Now, to go over other stuff, we need to go back to Postal 1 for a moment, as in that came the various vocal lines that are meant to be a “Demon” in his head pushing him to kill. This is important as, during the Paradise Lost DLC where 3 Dude was still in his head, he ends up giving Postal 2 Dude various advises to do the violent option when accomplishing his various tasks, suggesting they’re meant to be the same entity. This only came through in the final boss of Brain Damaged, where you fight a second Dude that’s more explicitly meant to represent the Demon. This seemingly confirms that the two are meant to be the same entity, and during the final boss, both the evil Dude and the one you were playing though Brian Damaged fight each other physically, showing they should scale. Brain Damaged gives the Dude pretty solid relativistic speed feats from various laser weapons, and since the main IRL Dude met 3 Dude in the real world, Real Dude arguably scales..
You got that? No?
Well good because I think it’s bullshit. For starters, the whole thing with 3 Dude and The Demon being the same guy is pretty unconfirmed at the moment. In fact, Brain Damaged kind of throws a huge ass wrench in the idea of him being the Demon at all, given in that game, Rick Hunter, the voice of the Dude in 2 and it’s expansions, plays the evil Dude, while Corey Cruise, the voice of the Dude in 3, plays the Dude you were playing as. This is kind of confirming the fact that the 3 Dude and the Demon aren’t the same entities, especially if you know that the guy that provided the voice lines associated with the Demon in the original game and it’s remake was also Rick Hunter.
The above was more clarifying rather than discounting the scaling chain, but it’s also worth noting that the 3 Dude doesn’t really do anything to suggest he should scale to the Main Dude during his time out of his head. While he does open a gate which confirms he isn’t just a hallucination, he’s never seen fighting foes or really doing much of anything besides bantering, which does kind of hurt the idea of Dude actually scaling to him. We also have nothing confirming he’s as strong outside of his head as he was inside, and it’s also worth noting the events of Paradise Lost seem to happen long before the events of Brain Damaged, further casting doubt on if scaling is even valid. Finally, it’s also worth noting that we never see 3 Dude go back inside Main Dude’s head and there’s nothing confirming them to be the same besides sharing a VA, so it’s entirely possible Brain Damaged Dude is a completely new entity that just happens to share a VA. Which is hardly unbelievable given the Dude’s long history of mental issues.
Postal Laser Dodging
So during one mission in Postal 4, the Dude ends up wrapped up in a Game Testing job in which he’s able to fight enemies that are using what appear to be laser guns. The Dude is able to sort of dodge them, and using power ups you can even actively block them. While this might seem solidly relativistic on the surface, there’s a couple caveats. First off, these lasers are one frame attacks, which is already a major issue when it comes to tandem movement since it’s kind of impossible to do any kind of movement in the time it moves. Second off, I couldn’t really find anything that confirmed these guns are meant to be actual lasers and not just vague energy blasts, which also kind of hurts the idea of assuming they are lasers. Finally, this whole mission takes place in an in-universe video game. Not only does it further hurt the validity of the beams themselves, as there’s no guarantee they’d be behaving like actual light speed lasers in a space that had to be actively programmed, there’s also no guarantee it’s a game designed as such that the Dude has to actually be as fast as real beams in real life, for the same reason you or I do not have massively faster than sound reactions just because we can play a Sonic game. While you could argue he’s meant to be physically transported into the game because it’s described as “better than VR or AR”, not only is the source of this a guy that’s later shown to have some ego issues, the actual device is pretty much identical to a standard VR headset and there’s no other visible equipment that could have transported him into the game at either the mission’s start or it’s end. And even if he were, the above mentioned issues with the beam’s actual validity still stands. As such, this is likely not valid as a laser timing feat.
Verdict
Stats
Now when it comes to comparing their stats, just on the general level they weren’t too out there. Both had plenty of physically impressive attacks, and their weapons could easily hit around the building level. Postal Dude generally had the edge in terms of said weaponry, as his many explosives meant he had a massive edge in overall destructive potential. However, Conker’s scaling was generally better. For one thing, he had several more impressive displays of physical strength due to his strength being far more cartoony. And just comparing major feats, Private Rodent surviving the windmill collapse was a lot more impressive than any of the Dude’s smaller scale feats of destruction.
Then we get into their higher tier scaling. Postal Dude’s 100 kiloton nuke was certainly incredibly powerful, and through characters potentially being in its blast radius, he should personally downscale to some level from it. The exact limit isn’t really that clear, but even when it comes to this, Conker had him beat. Through scaling to his Gameboy nemesis, Conker could potentially tank up to 108 kilotons. This was just slightly beyond anything the Dude could compete with, meaning not only could he possibly tank the nuke entirely, he’s definitely superior to any of the Dude’s potential downscaling. While again, the exact value is practically impossible to figure out, you’d have to be either absurdly generous with scaling Dude to practically the entirety of the blast, despite no known characters at ground zero of it, or be assuming Conker ought to be downscaling from his own feat, despite there being no real reason to assume he’s inferior to a guy that was described as his nemesis in his first known adventure, to assume they’re equal in stats. As such, Conker solidly takes the attack and durability category.
As for speed, neither of the two had a lot, but Conker generally had the edge as well. The Postal Dude’s potential bullet timing was overall rather vague and questionable in presentation, as opposed to Conker’s far more blatant Matrix bullet dodges. And even if you were to give him it, Conker’s ICBM dodging was just blatantly far more impressive. You could arguably give the Dude the edge with his relativistic arguments, but as I went over, these arguments weren’t going to stand up to much scrutiny. As such, Conker also takes speed.
Arsenal & Abilities
Right off the bat, there really wasn’t much question that in terms of arsenal, the Postal Dude had a clear edge in sheer versatility. He has dozens more toys than what Conker had to play with, which on paper may make it appear like he had all the chances in the world to figure out a way to take Conker out. Though on closer inspection, things weren’t going to be as easy. Conker also had access to various melee weapons, guns, and explosives, so while the Dude did have more theoretical versatility, Conker was fully capable of countering a lot of it. He was easily able to dodge gunfire, could tough it out through many of his explosions, and even get around Dude’s various gaseous weapons thanks to his gas mask. This meant a lot of the Dude’s more conventional ways of killing things would be ineffective
Though of course, the Postal Dude’s arsenal is anything but conventional. He could use his various non-lethal weapons to temporarily knock Conker out or electric weapons to stun him. He also had access to the Ensmallen Cure to try and shrink him down to an easier to kill size, and stuff like the Chompy Game and finger guns offered methods of death which would potentially work regardless of the stat gap. Though he didn’t really have an explicit way of taking out Conker’s regeneration itself, he was certainly capable of killing Conker enough times to kill him for good.
This was added to by his other major advantage offered by his arsenal, which was less violent. His myriad of healing items, defensive armors, and multiple methods of natural regeneration meant that he was far more prepared to play a war of attrition, as Conker’s methods of healing were pickups he finds in the environment, not things he actually carries on hand. He also had access to Catnip, which he could use to enter bullet time, and Vitamin X, which can boost his speed and strength, meaning he had ways to help close the stat gap. All this did mean he had the potential on paper to outlast Conker and quickly blast through his lives.
However, in practice this wasn’t likely to be the scenario more often than thought. For one thing, while he has some weapons which could be effective up his sleeves, these are a couple weapons among his very large arsenal. And while he may end up opting to use them after some time, there’s absolutely no guarantee he’d use them as one of his opening attacks. And when dealing with someone who had more than enough strength to take him down in a couple attacks, that makes the odds of this strategy being pulled off without a hitch rather slim, as even with healing one misstep is likely to end with him dead quick.
While it is true Conker’s natural arsenal was far less versatile, he still had plenty to offer himself. In fact, considering he had plenty of melee weapons, guns, bombs, and even a flame weapon, that meant he was fully capable of keeping up with most of the Dude’s standard arsenal. And for the bits he couldn’t match, he did have options to outmaneuver them, thanks to his better mobility options and superior natural speed. And even if he were to die to the Dude’s ways of killing him, his natural durability being far greater than the rest of his arsenal meant he would have plenty of chances to take the Dude out before his lives ran dry.
There was also one part of the arsenal where Conker definitely held the edge, that being the vehicles. While the Dude did have more than you would expect, he was limited mainly to vehicles you would expect just any normal guy could access. Meanwhile, Conker’s access to a hovercraft, airplane, and jetpack meant he had a sizable mobility edge in areas the Dude couldn’t follow, and his tank meant he was more than prepared to take any ground engagements. The Power Up Balloons also would give a big help, given they can either create barriers to block the Dude’s counterattacks or just blow his vehicles to hell with 10 back to back missiles. As the Dude really didn’t have a good counter for if Conker did take to the sky.
Now moving on to natural abilities, and likewise, while the Dude had a lot on paper, not a lot of it was stuff that was helping him in the long run. His various perks could give him various improvements, but none of them really gave him enough of a boost to make up for his statistical disadvantages. This especially so for the Unfortunate Spacemen perks, as a lot of them gave him equipment or upgrades that he already had in some form, and many of the ones that didn’t were irrelevant as options in this fight. Really the only major one was the Translocator, which could help somewhat subside the mobility disadvantage by letting him teleport, but the fact it’s a single use device he actively has to place does somewhat hamper it’s potential helpfulness.
On the other hand, while he does also have a couple irrelevant abilities, Conker had a few tricks up his sleeves that the Dude would have a hard time contending with. I’ve already kinda gone over his lives, but to hammer the point home, the fact he basically can reset from any misstep means that the Dude is going to be hard pressed to press any kind of advantage. His context sensitive buttons would also give him plenty more versatility, especially given that he can bring them in whenever he wants. And of course there’s his hypnotism, and while it’s not really a go to option for him, the fact that Dude has never shown a resistance to that sort of thing meant that it would be an easy way to basically end the fight.
Also to briefly acknowledge it because I’m sure everyone’s wondering about it, Dude’s urine did have some odd abilities Conker’s didn’t, they likely would not come into play. Meanwhile, Conker’s, uh, stream was far stronger, as even with drugs the Dude’s piss was only able to knock around normal people, not large rock people. So Conker’s definitely winning any potential challenge pissing.
So overall, while the Dude does have a massive amount of potential options on paper, the fact that he lacked a way to take Conker down quickly meant that the odds of him managing to outlast Conker were slim, especially when accounting for Conker’s own options.
Tertiary Factors
Much like usual with this kind of thing, intelligence was a tricky beast. Both of these two have had a wide history of dealing with a lot of foes, both in terms of skilled enemies and in terms of weird stuff, so there really wouldn’t be too much either could toss at each other that they’d be caught off guard by. When it comes to general battle intelligence though, Conker was likely the one that took it. Both can be cunning if needed, but generally Conker was a lot more actively devious when he fights, often employing trickery and figuring out weak points and strategies. Meanwhile, the Dude not only treats threats far more casually, he also doesn’t tend to default to complicated strategies, more often preferring to just use his overwhelming firepower to solve issues that pop up. This meant that Conker was the one who would be likely to figure out strategies to take him out rather than vice versa.
On the topic of their mentalities, while both of them have their fair share of issues, the Dude simply had the far more damning issues holding him back. Between his psychosis and hallucinations, his far less stable personality meant that the odds of him pulling any kind of complex plot was even less likely. Meanwhile, Conker’s issues were more personal ones that would be unlikely to hold him back in a fight. While his tendency to get himself in jams might lead to him losing a life or two, he had more than enough cards in his favor to ensure this wouldn’t hold him back for too long.
Conclusion
Advantages
Stronger regardless of the end
Likely faster
Resurrection isn’t easily countered and gives him plenty of time to win
Hypnotism would give him an easy wincon if needed
Equal in experience
Smarter fighter and more stable personality
Probably has the moral victory
Disadvantages:
Massively less versatile in arsenal
Lesser options for defense and healing
Was vulnerable to certain ways of killing him regardless of the stat gap
Microsoft
Series is as dead as his girlfriend
Advantages
Massively more versatile in arsenal
Better options for defense and healing
Had some methods of slightly closing the stat gap
Possessed ways to kill Conker which bypasses his durability
Equal in experience
All of his voice actors are epic
Disadvantages:
Weaker regardless of the end
Likely slower
No easy way to counter Conker’s resurrection
Potentially vulnerable to getting hypnotized
Not as smart as a fighter and less stable personality
Made me watch the Postal Movie
While the Postal Dude’s ludicrously large arsenal gave him a level of killing potential that wasn’t to be scoffed at, Conker’s greater physicality, smarter fighting, and extra chances would be more than enough to ensure he would not end up as another vermin. Unfortunately for the Postal Dude, all he could do was say nuts to that.
The winner is Conker the Squirrel
Next Time
SHODAN vs XANA
(System Shock vs Code Lyoko)
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